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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018555">did I make the most of loving you?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/brazilianchild/pseuds/brazilianchild'>brazilianchild</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Society (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Historical, Childhood Friends, Downton Abbey!AU, F/M, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi-POV, Slow Burn, a lot of literature references because this is the 1900s so all they do is read, characters are gonna be part of several historical events, period drama, there are some but not a lot of "Fall of the Giants" references, they're all british except for a couple characters here and there</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:42:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>68,633</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018555</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/brazilianchild/pseuds/brazilianchild</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“To love or have loved, that is enough.” -Victor Hugo, <em>Les Misérables</em></p><p>Throughout all the conflicts and mishaps in the early 20th century, love seems to be the most prevalent of them all in the country estate of Downton Abbey. Whether an aristocrat or a servant, no one is immune to matters of the heart.</p><p> __</p><p>  <em>Or a The Society Downton Abbey AU</em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassandra Pressman/Gordie, Elle Tomkins/Helena Wu, Harry Bingham/Allie Pressman, Luke Holbrook/Helena Wu, Sam Eliot/Gareth "Grizz" Visser</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. childhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! </p><p>I've spent a long time working on this and making sure that I managed to get the first two chapters perfectly before publishing. This first chapter is pretty hallie-centric but the rest of them will introduce more POVs and storylines. </p><p>Don't worry, you don't have to have watched the show to understand this fic. Some characters will parallel ones from the show, but the only character that's ACTUALLY from Downton Abbey is Violet, the grandmother, because Maggie Smith is iconic.</p><p>I made a Pinterest board for anyone who's interested in seeing more about the setting or outfits or just the general aesthetic. You can find it here: https://pin.it/umHEbCT</p><p>The title of this fic comes from the song "Did I make the most of loving you" by Mary-Jess, from the official Dowton Abbey soundtrack.</p><p>A big, BIG thank you to Maria for being my beta reader and making sure this story makes some sort of sense. I have no idea what I would do without you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> September 1903 </em>
</p><p>“Allie! What have you done to your dress?”</p><p>Allie scowled as Cassandra pulled at the edges of her frock, which was now coated in mud. </p><p>It’s not her fault that the grounds had been wet. What was she supposed to do? Stay inside and read with Cassandra? <em> No</em>, thank you. Downton had too much to explore to just ‘stay inside’. She loved this castle with her entire heart and she loved nothing more than exploring its corridors and its grounds. She’d even found a couple of secret passages here and there.</p><p>Cassandra always scolded her for running around with Sam and claimed that “eight years old was too old to be playing like that” and she should start being a “proper lady.”</p><p>Allie usually ignored that. It’s not like Cassandra was her mother, after all. Even her mama, who was a proper and grown-up lady, had less of a problem with Allie’s shenanigans than Cassandra did. </p><p>Whenever Amanda Pressman caught sight of her playing or getting herself dirty, she would just sigh with a badly concealed amused smile and say, “<em> Allie </em>.” Allie knew she was never truly in trouble unless her mother called her “Alexandra”.</p><p>Allie pulled her dress away from Cassandra’s hands and lifted her chin, imitating what she’d seen the grown-ups do when going all ‘high and mighty’. “It’s none of the matter to you.”</p><p>Cassandra rolled her eyes and grabbed Allie’s wrist to pull her to the side. “We have <em> visitors</em>. And you’d do well to act accordingly.”</p><p>It took all of Allie’s willpower to not stick out her tongue at her sister. Cassandra was only ten and yet she acted all grown up herself. She let her sister pull her to her room, where her nanny cleaned her up and dressed her in a blue frock. </p><p>Cassandra told her it was their distant cousins visiting from their father's side which made Allie considerably more excited. Sam was her cousin (from their mother’s side) and he was her very best friend. On the other hand, she didn’t like Campbell all that much. He was <em>mean.  </em></p><p>She prayed that whoever this relative was they would be more of a Sam and less of a Campbell. She had enough Campbell’s in her life.</p><p>She waited patiently in the Front Entrance, the whole staff standing in front of her. She caught the eye of their butler, Pfeiffer, and he gave her a wink. She giggled in response.</p><p>Her father had left to meet them at the door, and soon enough he came with their visitors, the footmen following behind them. It was a couple with a young boy and a girl. The children’s hair matched their father’s brown curls, while the mother was a golden blonde.</p><p>Allie smiled when she saw the children, the girl seemed too young to properly play with but the boy looked about her age, maybe a little older. Maybe she could get him to play with her after all. </p><p>Amanda stepped forward, a warm smile on her face. “Welcome to Downton.”</p><p>The couple smiled back, but Allie couldn’t help but think that the action seemed much more forced than her mother’s. The woman was stiff, but she was cordial enough to reply, “Yes, thank you. We’re delighted to be here.”</p><p>Allie’s father, James Pressman, as well as the Earl of Grantham, nodded politely. “Mama, may I present to you George and Karen Bingham, as well as their children Harry and Elizabeth. My mother, Lady Grantham.”</p><p>Allie’s granny, an old woman with an ever-present air of decorum, nodded in acknowledgment once.</p><p>Sensing the awkward silence, Amanda stepped forward and took Karen’s arm. “Come into the Drawing Room and we can make all the proper introductions.”</p><p>Allie’s eyes were on the dressed-up boy. He looked all prim and proper with his chin held high as if he owned the place after mere seconds. Allie thought that maybe he would make a rather poor playmate after all if his smugness was any indication.</p><p>But then his eyes met hers and he flashed her a small but wicked smile. Oh, yes. Maybe there was something fun in him after all.</p>
<hr/><p>Allie was smart enough to never cause trouble at dinner. It was too public, too <em>easy</em>. She liked to cause troubles in the shadows, where she could see if anyone would ever catch her.</p><p>She was always prim and proper at the table, and this time was no exception. Her only mischief were the jokes she would sign to Sam when no one was looking. Therefore, dinners were never fun for Allie. </p><p>Tonight though, even without any mischief from Allie, the dinner proved to be a hilarious disaster.</p><p>Cassandra sat next to Harry, and all Allie would have to do was sit back and watch as the duo proved explosive. </p><p>She smiled into her glass after Cassandra snapped back with another passive-aggressive comment at him. Cassandra had a vocabulary big enough to put any other ten year old to shame. </p><p>The newcomer was proving to be quite a match for her.</p><p>A “<em> Cassandra </em>” from Amanda was enough to silence her. Cassandra’s face fell with a polite mask Allie had long gotten familiar with.</p><p>Harry muttered one last thing under his breath, which Allie couldn’t quite catch. But from the way Cassandra’s mask fell in an instant, it must’ve been quite horrible.</p><p>Allie was hoping that Cassandra would finally do something improper for the first time in her life, and yell at him or pour her glass over his head or <em>something</em>. But to Allie’s disappointment, Cassandra didn’t say another word and remained polite for the rest of the evening.</p><p>When the dinner was done and the ladies all withdrew to the Drawing Room, Allie pulled Cassandra to the side.</p><p>“What did he say to you?” She whispered.</p><p>Cassandra looked unusually solemn as her eyes swept the room. “Nothing that wasn’t true.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie frowned. She didn’t understand what he could’ve possibly said. “Cass…”  </p><p>Cassandra finally met Allie’s eyes, as if she was truly seeing her for the first time. “Allie… the Binghams aren’t just regular visitors. They’re staying in Downton for a while.”</p><p>Allie waited for Cassandra to continue but her sister seemed unusually flustered. </p><p>“When Papa dies…the Binghams get to keep Downton.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie’s eyes widened. Downton? They couldn’t take this away from her. This was her <em> home. </em> What did these <em>strangers </em>know about it in the first place?</p><p>“But-but <em>why? </em> ” Allie sputtered and Cassandra hushed her quickly. Allie lowered her volume. “Why do <em>they </em>get Downton? Why don’t you?”</p><p>Cassandra bit her lip. “It’s complicated but…grandpapa tied the estate so that only a man could inherit. Mr. Bingham’s great grandfather was a younger son of the 3rd Earl of Grantham. And so following the male line of succession, he would be next. And when he dies, then comes his son. They’re the heirs.” </p><p>Those words barely made any sense to Allie. All she could think about was her home being taken from her. This was the 20th century, how could anyone possibly think this was okay? Cassandra should be the one to take Downton.</p><p>Cassandra grasped her hands. “But Allie, you mustn't tell anyone about this. Mama told me not to tell you, but I think she’s wrong. You’re old enough to handle the truth.”</p><p>Cassandra gave her a hug, an unusual sign of affection that seemed to point the direness of this situation even further. She squeezed Allie’s hand before leaving to join their mother on one of the couches. </p><p>Allie took a seat in one of the corners and looked out the window. Her thoughts were too wild to force herself to be polite right now.</p><p>Unfortunately, the boys soon joined them in the Drawing Room. Allie hoped they would just leave her alone but much to her dismay, Harry Bingham sat down next to her.</p><p>She promptly ignored him and stared at the window as if he was invisible.</p><p>“Cousin Alexandra, right?”</p><p>“It’s Allie, actually,” She couldn’t help but correct. She still didn’t face him.</p><p>“Well…I really like your dress, Allie.”</p><p>He was <em>complimenting </em>her? As if he could just take her home away from her and think it was all alright between them?</p><p>She turned to face him and gave him the coldest glare she could manage. “You can’t be a prat to my sister and then be nice to me. It doesn’t work that way.”</p><p>Harry’s mouth fell slightly open at her rudeness, and she left the bench without another word. </p><p>She joined Sam on the other side of the room. They plotted the adventures they could go on the following day. She could feel Harry’s stare on her, but she knew there was no way he could interpret BSL.</p><p>It gave her a little, irrational feeling of satisfaction. He could take her home from her but he couldn’t understand her conversations with her <em>real </em>cousin.</p>
<hr/><p>The next day, Allie waited out by the front entrance for Sam. He was a little late, but Allie didn’t mind. They still had plenty of time.</p><p>“Pardon me.”</p><p>Allie jumped and turned to face the newcomer. Harry stood in front of her with his hands behind his back. He looked different in everyday clothes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie said nothing. She still didn’t like him very much and she liked to see him fidget.</p><p>“I wanted to come to you and apologize for last night. I already apologized to your sister, but I thought I owed you one as well. I acted unmannerly, and I’m sorry.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie squinted her eyes at him. She couldn’t tell if he actually meant it or was just doing this because his parents had forced him to. She hadn’t missed the disapproving glares his mother had thrown to him during dinner.</p><p>“And Cassandra accepted?”<br/>
<br/>
“She did.”<br/>
<br/>
Of course, she did. Cassandra was too proper to ever be rude outwardly. If he had apologized, she would never just blatantly deny it. Cassandra would be polite in public but hate him in private. She would never act on it though unless provoked.</p><p>Allie was not Cassandra though. </p><p>She gave Harry the sweetest and most innocent smile she could muster. Something she had mastered to fool everyone around her that she was a harmless little girl. “Then I accept, as well.”</p><p>Harry smiled back at her, clearly pleased she had accepted. Good. Allie’s plan would go easier if he didn’t suspect her.</p><p>Sam joined them and gave Harry a nod of acknowledgment. “What is he doing here?” He signed to Allie. </p><p>Harry frowned. “What does that mean?”<br/>
<br/>
He had been told that Sam was deaf and could read lips, and even though Sam would sometimes speak out loud himself, he only tended to do that when there were no other options.</p><p>Allie smiled at Harry, “He asks how you are doing.”</p><p>Harry straightened slightly. “Oh. Tell him, I’m doing great thank you.”<br/>
<br/>
<em> Idiot. </em>Allie thought to herself. She signed, “He came to apologize for last night.”</p><p>Sam’s eyebrows raised slightly. “Really?”<br/>
<br/>
“I think instead of doing what we planned we could have a little fun with him instead.” Allie signed back. It took all of her willpower to not smirk.</p><p>Sam looked Harry up and down before turning back to Allie. “What did you have in mind?”</p><p>Allie batted her eyelashes at Harry. “I’ve talked to Sam and he asks if you’d like to join us for our walk around the grounds today?”<br/>
<br/>
Harry grinned. “I would love to.”</p>
<hr/><p>Allie led both boys down the familiar path into the forest. She’d gone riding here plenty of times before. Her shoes were coated with mud and properly ruined but this was worth it. </p><p>“May I ask where we are going?”</p><p>Allie didn’t turn back to Harry to reply, “No, you may not.”</p><p>He gave a slight huff of breath at her blatant refusal and she smiled to herself.</p><p>“But we’re almost there, don’t worry.” She added, trying to appease her rudeness of mere seconds ago. Harry didn’t seem much appeased.</p><p>Harry gave Sam a glance. “How long has Cousin Sam been deaf?”<br/>
<br/>
“He’s <em> my </em>cousin, not yours.” Allie corrected harshly. “He’s from my mother’s side. And he was born deaf.”</p><p>“Oh,” Harry looked down at his feet. “Well, where are his parents? I haven’t seen them.”<br/>
<br/>
“They stay up in London most of the time with his older brother Campbell. Sam stays with us more often.”</p><p>Allie let the conversation drop and didn’t answer any more of Harry’s questions except with a vague reply. She had no need to entertain his stupid curiosity.</p><p>Sam gave her a couple of worried looks. “Are you sure this is a good idea? It’s getting dark.” He signed to her.</p><p>She rolled her eyes, “I’m sure. Just trust me.”</p><p>“We’re here,” She announced. Soon enough, the woods opened up to reveal a small clearing and a creek. This was at a deeper end, big enough that she would come swimming here with Cassandra when they were younger.</p><p>Harry grinned and inched closer to the edge. He picked up a pebble and tossed it to the water, where it scattered across the surface before sinking out of sight.  “Oh, yes. This is incredible.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie smiled and stepped up next to him. “Do you know how to swim, Cousin Harry?”</p><p>“Harry’s just fine, and yes, I do.”</p><p>Allie nodded. “Good.”<br/>
<br/>
And without any warning whatsoever, she pushed him into the water. He tipped over the edge and collapsed easily into the water.</p><p>Allie laughed and grabbed Sam’s hand before sprinting. “Let’s go before he surfaces!”</p><p>They ran down through the shortcut Allie knew like the back of her hand. They ran all the way back and Allie’s lungs burned all the way through. They didn’t stop until they were back in the castle, tucked away in one of the many rooms. The sun had properly set outside.</p><p>Allie rested her hands on her knees and tried to regain her breath. She shared plenty of grins with Sam, always glad to cause mischief with her partner in crime. </p><p>Now, <em>this </em>was what she called proper payback. Why would she try to be like Cassandra and let things roll over when this was so much more fun?</p><p>It was almost time for dinner, so she got dressed and ready as if nothing was wrong. She sat quietly by Cassandra in the Drawing Room as they waited to be called in for dinner. Cassandra looked suspicious of her silence but didn’t comment.</p><p>Pfeiffer walked in after a while and Allie tried to act nonchalant. “I’m sorry to bother you, ma’am. But this is a matter of urgency. I’m afraid Mr. Bingham is nowhere to be found.”</p><p>“I beg your pardon?” Karen asked. </p><p>“He’s gone, ma’am.”</p><p>“Do you mean Harry?” Karen prodded further. Allie noticed her grip around her cup tightened.</p><p>“Yes, ma’am. None of the staff have seen him for hours.”</p><p>Granny gave a huff, “Well, that’s not exactly surprising. I said that boy looked like trouble.”</p><p><em> “Violet!” </em>Amanda reprimanded.</p><p>The old lady looked unapologetic. </p><p>“I was wondering if dinner should be postponed until we find the boy–”</p><p>“Nonsense.” Karen interrupted Pfeiffer. “We must continue with dinner. He will turn up eventually, and if he doesn’t, we will deal with it then.”</p><p>Pfeiffer nodded once, and let the ladies be. Allie looked away from Karen’s face and down at her lap. The fury in the woman’s face made guilt bubble in her stomach.</p><p>But she had no reason to feel guilty. He was taking her home from her. She didn’t see what could be so wrong about playing a little joke.</p><p>Dinner was a tense affair. Harry’s absence to the seat in Cassandra’s right was painfully obvious. Allie couldn’t bear to look at it for more than a couple of seconds. He had to turn up…didn’t he? </p><p>She had picked that spot because it was an easy enough (if a little long) path back to the castle. She’d assumed he’d be a little late to dinner, and be a little humiliated in the process. But she never thought he’d miss it entirely. What if he couldn’t find a way back? What if he had lied and actually didn’t know how to swim? </p><p>She barely ate anything. </p><p>He still hadn’t turned up by the time they all withdrew to the Drawing Room. Allie was really getting worried now. She bit her thumbnail and stared at the door, waiting for Pfeiffer to walk in and say that they had found him.</p><p>“What did you do?” Cassandra whispered in her ear.</p><p>Allie turned to her with wide eyes, her hand dropping from her mouth. “Nothing.”</p><p>Cassandra’s eyes swept over Allie’s face, and whatever she might’ve seen made Cassandra look even more worried. “Oh, Allie…<em> what did you do?” </em> </p><p>Allie opened her mouth to answer but no words came out. Her eyes started to water, “Oh Cassandra–”</p><p>“Pardon me, my lady.” Everyone looked up to Pfeiffer at the door. The tension was palpable as they waited for Pfeiffer’s next words. “Mr. Bingham has been found. He seems to have fallen in the creek, but has returned safely if a little shaken.”</p><p>Karen gave a cry of relief and covered her eyes with her hand for a moment. She stood up, “Where is he?”</p><p>“He’s in the library waiting, ma’am.”</p><p>Karen pushed past Pfeiffer and rushed out of the room. In the hurry of things, no one even noticed that Cassandra and Allie had followed. </p><p>James and George were already in the library waiting.</p><p>Allie stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of him. Harry was on one of the couches, a towel over his shoulders. His hair was wet and matted against his forehead. He was as pale as a sheet and she could see him trembling from here. </p><p>Dear God. What had she done?</p><p>“Oh my dear boy,” Karen cried before bringing him into a hug. They embraced for mere seconds before Karen pulled away. “How did this happen? How did you even get there? <em> What did you get yourself into?” </em></p><p>Allie was shocked at the speed Karen went from worried to furious. </p><p>Harry looked hesitant to answer, his lower lip trembling from the cold.</p><p>His eyes met hers and Allie could tell that despite everything, he still didn’t want to tell on her. But unfortunately, that one look was enough. </p><p>Her mother caught it and turned to Allie immediately. “Allie…did you have anything to do with this?”</p><p>Amanda’s glare was cold and unflinching. Allie resisted the urge to curl into a ball. “I…”</p><p>Her lack of an answer seemed more than enough.</p><p>Allie swore she had never seen her mother so furious. “<em> Alexandra</em>. I can’t believe this. What were you thinking?” </p><p>All the guilt, and regret, and worry in Allie’s stomach came to surface and she burst into tears. “I’m so sorry, Mama. I-I d-didn’t mean t-to…”</p><p>She trailed off as her sobs became stronger. Amanda’s fury drained from her face and she crouched down in front of her daughter. “There, there. Take a breath and explain to me what happened.”</p><p>Allie took a shaky breath, “I-I led him to the creek. I thought it would be a good joke if he f-fell in and h-had to w-walk home by himself.”</p><p>“Why on earth did you think that would be a good idea?”</p><p>Allie’s sobs came back in full strength, “B-because they’re taking Downton from us.”</p><p>Amanda’s face fell, and it seemed the rest of the people in the room seemed to grow even more silent. “I see.”</p><p>She closed her eyes for a moment as if this whole thing was taking a great toll on her. She straightened up, “Cassandra, take your sister up to her room. I will talk to you in a moment. Pfeiffer, please make sure Harry gets to his room alright. And fetch him some tea, something sweet preferably.”</p><p>Pfeiffer bowed his head, “Of course, my lady.”</p><p>Cassandra’s hand came to rest at her wrist. She spoke low into her ear, “Come on, Allie.”</p><p>Allie let herself be led out of the room easily, and she didn’t dare spare a look at Karen or Harry. </p>
<hr/><p>Amanda watched her daughters leave the library. Her two beautiful little girls. It wasn’t fair that they couldn’t inherit what was rightfully theirs, and her daughter’s tears had awakened despair within her. This wasn’t right.</p><p>“This is outrageous!” George roared. He paced the library back and forth. “How dare your <em>daughter </em>do this? It’s October. What if he hadn’t found his way back? He could’ve gotten hypothermia and died out there!”</p><p>“And we are deeply sorry–” James started but George didn’t let him finish.</p><p>“Sorry? You’re ‘<em>sorry’? </em> Is that all after your daughter almost murdered him?”<br/>
<br/>
“Now, there’s no need for dramatics–” Amanda tried to assure him.</p><p>“Dramatics? This isn’t—”</p><p>“I understand that my daughter's actions were wrong and she will be punished accordingly.” Amanda cut in and George stopped his pacing. She kept going before he had a chance to interrupt, “But we must also consider that Allie is a <em> child</em>. She found out her home was in peril and she lashed out accordingly. We mustn't deny the fact that her fears had merit.”</p><p>The room fell to silence. The Great Matter was finally being properly addressed. Amanda had nothing against the Binghams, but they were a threat to her daughter's security. She couldn’t handle any more of this avoidance, especially when it was her daughters’ mental health at stake.</p><p>“Yes,” Karen conceded, “this situation isn’t exactly easy on anyone.”</p><p>“No, it isn’t.” Amanda agreed. “But what if there was a way we both could benefit?” </p><p>Another silence followed.</p><p>“Are you proposing what I think you are?” George asked.</p><p>Amanda looked out the window. Once she said it she couldn’t go back. But these were her daughters and their home at stake. James had grown up here. Her family’s fortune had also been put into the estate, and her daughters deserved to have their share. It was the best they could do.</p><p>She turned back inside and shared a look with James. They’d talked about this. She knew where he stood, but she wanted one last confirmation before she went ahead with it. He nodded.</p><p>It was decided.</p><p>“Yes, I am.” She continued. “I propose a betrothal between your son and my eldest daughter, Cassandra. It would be most convenient for all parties involved.”</p><p>“I agree it would be…convenient.”  Karen reasoned. She spoke slowly and deliberately as if she was trying to make sure not to offend anyone. “But the children must have a say in the matter and right now they can barely stay in the same room together.”</p><p>Amanda nodded. “I want my daughter to have a choice as well. But they’re only children. They will grow out of this animosity, and if they don’t we can revisit the matter. I still believe that the proposition should be on the table.”</p><p>Karen shared a look with George. This was no trivial decision. This was their son’s life. Amanda knew very well what she was asking of them, so she didn’t push them.</p><p>“May we have some time to think on it?” Karen asked.</p><p>“Of course,” James assured them. “Take however much time you need.” </p><p>“Well, if you’ll excuse us.” Karen said standing up from the couch, “I’m rather quite tired.”</p><p>They bid their goodnights, and at last, only Amanda and James remained.</p><p>He remained at his spot on the couch and she turned away from his judging glare. She looked out the window, her hands behind her back. </p><p>“I did what had to be done, James.”</p><p>He scoffed. “My God, Amanda. She’s <em> ten years old. </em>It isn’t fair–”</p><p>“It had to be done, James!” She turned to snap at him. “All the lawyers we’ve talked to said there’s nothing that can fix this. The entail must go to whoever inherits the title. My <em> fortune </em> , James, the one that saved this place, not one penny will go to our daughters. Tell me how any of it is <em> fair?” </em> </p><p>He stared up at her, shocked at her outburst. He sighed. “It isn’t.”</p><p>She collapsed next to him on the couch and took his hand. “The look on Allie’s face…” She shook her head, “All I could see was my little girl being stripped of everything she had ever known. Something needed to be done, James.”</p><p>He nodded and stroked the palm of her hand with his thumb, “I know. I just wish we didn’t have to sell our daughter’s life for it.”  </p><p>“Nothing should be official.” Amanda added, “Not yet. Karen is right… they must both have a say. And they’re too young to understand.”  </p><p>Amanda let herself sit there for another couple moments basking in her husband’s comfort. She sighed. “I have to go up and talk to the girls.”</p><p>James nodded and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. “Alright. I’ll see you in bed.”</p><p>With one last kiss, Amanda left her husband. </p><p>She visited Allie’s room first. The little girl was already under the covers. Her blonde curls were fanned out against the pillow. Her blue eyes were wide and rimmed with red.</p><p>Allie was always such a firecracker. She was a ball of energy for a girl, always causing mischief. But now she looked so small and helpless. Her usual fire was gone. It broke Amanda’s heart.</p><p>She sat down at the edge of her bed and reached over to push Allie’s curls off her forehead. “My devious little girl.” The softness in her tone betrayed her words, “You shouldn’t have done that to Harry.”</p><p>Allie bit her lip. “I know. I really am terribly sorry.”<br/>
<br/>
“And you must tell him so first thing tomorrow. You are also grounded, and will not leave the castle for two weeks.” </p><p>Amanda kept stroking her daughter's hair. Allie’s eyes were fluttering closed every once in a while, but like always, her daughter was a fighter and she fought with all her might to remain awake.</p><p>“Allie, I don’t want you to worry about Downton. It’s not going away any time soon.”</p><p>“But it <em> will </em> go away eventually?” Allie pushed on: a curious little girl who needed to know everything.</p><p>Amanda sighed. “Yes. But me and Papa are working on it. You shouldn’t take it out on the Bingham's either. They’ve done nothing wrong and they’re going to be a big part of our lives from now on.”<br/>
<br/>
“Do they have to?” Allie whined.</p><p>“Yes, they do sweetheart. You better get used to it and be kind to them. It will only serve you well.”</p><p>Allie pouted as she always did when she was told what to do. God, Amanda prayed the world wouldn’t take this determination away from her.</p><p>“Sleep well, darling.” She pressed a kiss to Allie’s forehead.</p><p>“Goodnight, Mama.” </p><p>Amanda blew out the candle by Allie’s bed and left her daughter’s room. </p><p>She walked down the hallway to Cassandra’s room, and was not surprised to see the girl was still awake with a book over her lap.</p><p>Cassandra shut the book as soon as she saw her. “How did everything go? The Binghams aren’t too vexed at Allie?”<br/>
<br/>
“No, they’re not.” Amanda said and took a seat at her daughter’s bed. Cassandra’s back was straight as she sat up. Her daughter was always proper, even in the comfort of her own room.</p><p>Cassandra stared at the book in her lap. “I’ll have to marry him, won’t I?”</p><p>Amanda’s face fell. She should have known she couldn’t keep anything from Cassandra for long. She was too smart for her own good and Amanda should’ve assumed the girl would put two and two together. “Not unless you want to.”</p><p>Cassandra pursed her lips and looked up at her mother. “But it would make sense wouldn’t it? I would be able to stay in Downton and have my family here.”</p><p>The pragmatic tone in her daughter’s voice was making her uncomfortable. Even with all of Amanda’s talk of ‘what would be best’ her daughter was only ten years old. She shouldn’t be thinking of marriage like this at such a young age. “Well…yes.”<br/>
<br/>
Cassandra nodded. “Then it is settled. I will marry him.”</p><p>“Oh sweetheart,” Amanda reached for her hand. “No one is asking you to decide now. It’s just an idea that is out there and we’ll contemplate in the years to come.”</p><p>But Cassandra also shared her sister’s determination. Her jaw was set. “But I have a duty to this family and I must fulfill it.”<br/>
<br/>
“There are more important things in a marriage than duty, Cassandra.”</p><p>“You and Papa didn’t marry for love either. He married you for your money and that turned out well, didn’t it?”<br/>
<br/>
“I-that… that was different.” Amanda sputtered. This was not a conversation she’d expect to have with a ten year old. She sighed and tried to figure out a way to put it nicely. She gripped her daughter’s hands firmly. “Cassandra, what me and your father want most in this world is for you to be happy. And if that is marrying Harry and living in Downton, that is fine with us. And if it means marrying another Lord or moving to London, we will be fine with that too. It is your life, Cassandra. We’re only laying options out on the table for you to choose when you are <em> older </em> and ready.”<br/>
<br/>
Cassandra nodded. “I understand.”</p><p>Amanda bid her daughter goodnight and left her to rest. God knew they all needed it.</p>
<hr/><p>Allie could count the times on one hand when she’d felt truly nervous. And apologizing to Harry Bingham was definitely one of them.</p><p>Both their parents were watching as Allie made her way up to him in the center of the room. He looked considerably better now that he’d gotten all warmed up and rested. The paleness had left his cheeks. </p><p>She couldn’t read the emotions on his face and she tugged at the end of her ear. “I’m sorry for yesterday. I shouldn’t have done what I did and I deeply regret it. I hope you will forgive me.”</p><p>She’d rehearsed the words over and over in her head before coming down but now she wished she’d thought of something less basic to say.</p><p>He stared at her for a long moment and Allie got hit with a sense of deja-vu. Only yesterday he was asking <em> her </em> for forgiveness, and now here they were.</p><p>His mask broke and he gave her a small smile. “It’s alright. It was actually kind of funny later on.” </p><p>Allie blinked up at him in shock. This wasn’t the reaction she was expecting at all. She smiled at him. Maybe they could be friends after all.</p><p>Their parents seemed appeased enough with their apologies and left them be.</p><p>Allie toyed with the end of her hair. “I’m not allowed to go outside, but if you want I can show you some interesting places inside the castle.”<br/>
<br/>
He raised an eyebrow. “You’re not gonna ditch me in a secret passage, are you?”<br/>
<br/>
It took her a second to realize he was joking. She shook her head with a smile, “No, I won’t. I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>August 20th 1905 </em>
</p><p>Allie was hiding away from everyone during her tenth birthday. She knew she was being rude and her mother was probably driving everyone mad trying to find her, but she didn’t want to move.</p><p>She was in her second favorite hiding spot (because Sam would most definitely look for her in her favorite one). It was outside in one of the ruins on the grounds. She hid behind the white Greek pillars away from the view of people walking by. She sat curled into a ball to try and keep some of her body heat from the cold Autumn wind. Her dress was surely dirty by now and her shoes were already ruined with mud.</p><p>“Aren’t you cold?”</p><p>Allie jumped and let go of her knees. Harry was leaning on the pillar next to her with his arms crossed.</p><p>She scowled and resumed her position, “No.”</p><p>A breeze passed by making Allie give an involuntary shiver. He raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. </p><p>“Everyone’s looking for you.”</p><p>“I’m aware, thank you,” She wasn’t being particularly welcoming but she knew that he would try and bring her inside. The guests were arriving soon. </p><p>He sighed and took a seat on the floor next to her. He was facing the castle and the lights cast a yellow shadow on his face, “I’m not sure if you’re aware of this too but it is <em> your </em> birthday. I think they’ll be expecting your presence.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie didn’t reply and just stared ahead of her and into the forest.</p><p>“Why don’t you want to go inside? It’ll be lots of fun with food and dancing–” Allie froze and he seemed to notice, “What’s wrong? Do you not like dancing?”</p><p>She didn’t respond.</p><p>“Wait…do you…not know how to dance?” She didn’t answer and he started laughing, “How do you not know how to dance? You’re an aristocrat, surely they would make sure to teach you.”</p><p>“I…never went to the classes.” She admitted in a low voice.</p><p>“Why?” He said, still laughing.</p><p>“Because I hated them!” She snapped. “They were boring and I wanted to do anything else so I would skip them. I never thought it would be an issue, but then mother said because I’m ten years of age there would be dancing tonight to celebrate and I…” She cut off with a frustrated groan and leaned her head back against the pillar. She closed her eyes, “I don’t know what to do, Harry.”</p><p>She heard some shuffling next to her and her eyes snapped open in fear that he was ditching her to tell everyone her secret. He was still there but now on his feet. He offered her a hand, “Come on. I’ll teach you.”</p><p>Allie looked at his hand and considered for a good moment. She didn’t really fancy the idea of embarrassing herself in front of him, but what did she have to lose? </p><p>She took his hand and he pulled her to her feet. At eleven years old, his growth spurt hadn’t come and they stood at about the same height. </p><p>He took her left hand and put it on his shoulder and took her other hand into his. His right hand came to rest at her waist and Allie thought this was probably the closest she’d ever been to a boy.</p><p>He cleared his throat, “Alright. So all your steps should mirror mine, when I step forward, you step backward. Like this–” His right foot stepped forward and she stepped back with her left foot to make space. </p><p>“You don’t have to step so big. And now when I step to the side, you mirror me as well.” She followed his direction and he smiled, “Yeah, that’s it. Now with dancing, you have to keep in mind the song. The key to being a good dancer is understanding the music and moving <em> with </em> it. With a waltz, think in beats of three. All your moves will go <em> one, two, three, one two three. One </em> is stepping forward or backward. <em> Two </em> is stepping to the side. <em> Three </em> is your feet coming together. Understand?”</p><p>She bit her lip and reluctantly nodded. She never thought dancing would be so complicated.</p><p>He seemed to sense her distress and assured her, “It’s alright. Just follow my lead.” </p><p>She gave him a small smile and he gave one in return. His eyes were unusually soft. </p><p>“Let’s try it slowly, and we’ll pick the speed up eventually,” He suggested.</p><p>Allie’s shoes clinked against the old stones as he moved them around in a big circle. He counted the beats of three and soon Allie joined him under her breath. She tried to move with him and follow his lead.</p><p>She kept her eyes on their feet, mostly not to step on his feet too much. After a little while she felt like she was actually getting the hang of it. </p><p>She felt brave enough to look up and meet his eyes. He was much closer than she thought he was. The lights from the castle highlighted half of his face. His nose was in sharp contrast and casted a shadow over his features. His eyes were on hers with a boldness she would never expect from any other boy their age.</p><p>“OW!”</p><p>Allie gasped and pulled from him, “Sorry.” </p><p>He shook his head and rubbed the top of his foot, “It’s alright.” He looked her up and down, “Maybe you should skip out on the dancing after all.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie scowled and pushed against his chest as he laughed at her.</p><p>He looked over at the castle, “But seriously, we should go back inside now.” She didn’t move from her spot and he sighed, “You’ll be fine. No one will notice if you don’t dance that much. I taught you the basics so now at least you won’t make a fool out of yourself.” </p><p>Allie still didn’t move.</p><p>Harry gave her a smirk and yelled “Coward!” before running off towards the castle. Allie ran after him in seconds.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>July 1907 </em>
</p><p>“Are you nervous about going to Eton?”</p><p>Harry spared a glance down at Allie. She was laying flat on her back. Her light purple dress fanned out against the grass. With the sunshine, her blonde hair shone almost like a halo. Her eyes trained on the few clouds above them looked crystal blue.</p><p>She looked really pretty. </p><p>Harry had started to notice more and more how pretty she was all the time. Allie was his friend. She was the one who played with him at the gardens of Downton and helped teach him BSL. He’d never even <em> considered </em> whether she was pretty before and he didn’t know what to do with the realization that she was in fact, <em> really </em>pretty.</p><p>Harry looked around the garden and tried to push that thought away. He had to admit, for a house in the middle of London, Sam’s house had a really nice garden. There were varying colors of pink and purple in beautiful arrangements. Harry wished he knew what they were called. </p><p>He was distracted from his thoughts by Cassandra’s voice coming from inside the building and held back an eye roll.</p><p>He knew that everyone was hoping they’d agree to marry each other one day. He knew how convenient it would be for both their families. Unfortunately the animosity they had for each other the moment they’d laid their eyes on one another hadn’t passed like they all hoped it would. In fact, it only seemed to have worsened. </p><p>“Not really.”</p><p>Allie’s eyes drifted to stare at him and she knew she didn’t buy his nonchalance. “Really? You’re not the least bit nervous about leaving your family for most of the year.”</p><p>Harry shrugged. “If anything I’m more nervous about the ‘no girls’ situation.”<br/>
<br/>
<em> “Harry!”  </em></p><p>He grinned at her reprimand, exactly the reaction he’d expected from her.</p><p>The truth was that Harry had always known that when he turned thirteen, he would go to study in Eton. His father had done so and so had his father before him. There never really was much room for discussion or to be “nervous” about an all boys boarding school. He’d long gotten used to that idea.</p><p>He leaned back on his left hand to pluck a daisy from the grass. He twirled it between his fingers, “Why do you think flowers have meaning? Like did someone simply sit down and claim that this flower meant this or that and everyone just agreed to it?”</p><p> “Actually flowers have held symbolic meanings for centuries across several continents,” Allie mused, “But during the Victorian era the habit of sending flowers as messages people couldn’t say out loud became a popular pastime. It was very meticulous. Even how the ribbon was tied could mean a different message completely.”</p><p>He stared at her.</p><p>“What?” She shrugged, “I read.”</p><p>He leaned back on his elbow to face her, “Then what pray tell does this daisy mean?”</p><p>“Well, there were several different dictionaries with contradicting definitions, so it would depend on your copy.” Allie answered, completely ignoring the mocking tone in his voice.</p><p>“That seems confusing. How would you know you sent the proper message?”<br/>
<br/>
“You would just hope the person had the same edition as you. If not you could send a daffodil that in your edition means “the sun shines with you” but in theirs means “unrequited love” and  receive a slap in the face instead of a kiss.”</p><p>He grinned and brushed the daisy over her nose, “You still didn’t tell me what this daisy means.”</p><p>She swatted his hand away and stared at the daisy as if it had the answer to her question, “As far as I can recall some say it means innocence and hope. While others say it means ‘I love you truly.’”</p><p>Before Harry could respond, Sam rejoined them in the garden and took a seat next to Allie, “Tea will be served soon.”</p><p>Harry had gotten much better at BSL over the years with Allie’s and Sam’s help. He could now understand most of it, but he was far from mastering it.</p><p>Allie sat up as well so she could sign properly, “Have they left yet?”</p><p>Sam shook his head, “Not yet.”</p><p>All their parents were going to a ball that night, but none of them were old enough to go. Lady Becca was joining them later, as her parents were also going to the same ball. Cassandra was somewhere inside reading and Campbell was–</p><p>“Well, hello.”</p><p><em> Oh </em>. There he was.</p><p>Harry held back a curse and looked over his shoulder. Campbell was standing above them, that usual sinister grin on his face. </p><p>“See Harry, I don’t understand why you want to spend your time with <em>these</em> <em>two</em>,” Campbell signed the words as he spoke, making sure his brother understood the offense. “I hope when we go to Eton in the fall you’ll make better decisions on who you keep as company.”</p><p>Sam looked to the ground with a red face. Eton was a sore subject for him. His deafness made sure Sam would never get to go. He would only ever be tutored at home like Allie and Cassandra.</p><p>Allie looked livid and just about to stand up and hit him.</p><p>Harry smirked, “I’m sure I will. But I don’t think we’ll be seeing much of each other anyway. At least, I certainly hope so.”</p><p>Campbell scowled and with a final huff, he left them alone. Harry was sure he would pay for that comment later. </p><p>But the way Allie beamed at him with pride made it just a little more worth it.</p><p>Cassandra came out with a book tucked under her arm, “Becca has arrived.”</p><p>Allie jumped to her feet and sprinted past Cassandra. Harry and Sam both scrambled after her. Lord, that girl was fast.</p><p>Becca was in the Grand Hall with both her parents chatting with Amanda. Her brown hair was pinned up neatly and she was wearing a light green dress.</p><p>“Becca!” Allie squealed and forsaked all propriety to pull the short brunette into a hug. </p><p>“<em> Allie </em>.” Amanda scolded. But Harry had long since found that Allie’s mother’s reprimands were never nearly as harsh or serious as his mothers.</p><p>Allie pulled away from Becca to give the Geldrichs a sweet smile, “Pardon me. I hope you’ll forgive my enthusiasm.”</p><p>Lord Thomas smiled down at her. “It’s alright, Allie.”</p><p>“May I go with them Papa?” Becca turned to ask her father. He nodded and Allie took Becca’s hand immediately to bring her down to the garden. </p><p>Harry didn’t know Becca nearly as much as Allie and Sam. The three of them had been as thick as thieves ever since they were babes. Becca had also learned BSL from an early age. </p><p>Harry remembered how strange it was to him that everyone seemed to know BSL and always signed as they spoke. He’d quickly understood the kindness behind it and gotten used to it. </p><p>Becca took a seat out on the grass and looked inside wistfully, “I wish we could go to the balls.”</p><p>Allie fixed her dress around her knees, “Our time will come.”</p><p>“And I’m sure we’ll wreak our own havoc when we do,” Sam added. “How have you been, Becca?”</p><p>Harry felt a touch on his arm and turned to face Allie. She inched closer to him and spoke in a low voice, “I wanted to thank you for standing up to Campbell. I really appreciated it.”</p><p>“It was no problem.”<br/>
<br/>
“Still,” She bit her lip, “You won’t change too much when you go to Eton, right?”</p><p>All that talk about him being nervous, it never occurred to him that <em> she </em> might be the one who was nervous about him leaving.</p><p>“I won’t,” He assured her. “I promise.”</p><p>She smiled and pulled away to join the conversation between Becca and Sam.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>August 20th 1907 </em>
</p><p>“Happy birthday,” Cassandra whispered in her ear. </p><p>Allie smiled into Cassandra’s shoulder. “Thank you.”</p><p>Cassandra pulled apart to hold her at the shoulders, “Do you feel older? You <em> look </em> older.”</p><p>Allie looked away in embarrassment. “<em> Cassandra!"</em></p><p>She kept her teasing, “I’m serious. Twelve is a very good age and you sure are starting to look it.”</p><p>Allie smiled at her slightly, “Thank you.”</p><p>Cassandra winked, “I can’t wait to give you my gift. I hope you’ll like it.”<br/>
<br/>
“I’m sure I’ll love it.”</p><p>She grabbed her hand and led her down the stairs. “Let’s get to breakfast.”</p><p>Their father was already at the dinner table when they arrived. He dropped the newspaper he was reading and stood up to give Allie a hug. “Happy birthday, my dear girl.”</p><p>“Thank you Papa.”</p><p>He motioned to a pile of letters on the table, “You have some letters.”</p><p>Allie smiled and took her seat on the table. She flipped through the letters and read the names on the outside. Her heart did a little flip when she saw Harry’s name on one of them. He wasn’t able to come to the celebrations tonight because he was still in London to get settled for Eton. She wished he could come.</p><p>She put his letter off to the side; she would read that last. </p><p>There was a letter from her Grandmama wishing all her best from New York. There was one from her Aunt and Uncle. One from Becca. One from Sam, though his was short because he was coming to Downton tonight. Allie wasn’t surprised to see Campbell hadn’t sent one. </p><p>She got through all of them as Cassandra and James enjoyed their breakfast. When Allie had only Harry’s letter left, her eyes raised slightly to look at Cassandra across the table. She didn’t understand why but this felt so…private.</p><p>However, her sister wasn’t paying any attention to her. She was sipping her tea and looking just over Allie’s shoulder and out the window.</p><p>Allie took a deep breath and opened it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Allie, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Happy birthday! I really wish I could be there for this day but we both know that isn’t possible. I still can’t believe you’re twelve already. It feels like only yesterday when you pushed me into the creek and left me there for dead. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Allie snorted and quickly looked up to see if any one had noticed. Her father raised an eyebrow at her over his newspaper but said nothing. </p><p>While albeit very scary at the time, the incident at the creek became some sort of inside joke between them. Harry always loved to be dramatic and claim that she’d almost murdered him. Allie would just roll her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Thankfully, your murderous tendencies have gone in check. I know you’ll have lots of fun today and you do deserve it. Unfortunately, I feel our interactions will be greatly reduced to these letters. But I pray we’ll keep in touch. Please write and tell me what mischief you got yourself into recently. It should keep me entertained while I stay stranded here with my family. I sent you a gift as well, I hope you like it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yours truly, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Harry </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Allie held her breath at the word sign off. It was common to say “yours truly” she <em> knew </em> that. She had even used it before. But the simple thought of Harry Bingham being <em> hers </em>was sending her heart racing. </p><p>“Who’s got you smiling over there?” Cassandra asked. </p><p>Allie shoved the letter under the table and on to her lap, “No one.”</p><p>Cassandra squinted at her but didn’t ask further.</p><p>Allie ate the rest of her breakfast in silence while trying to hide a smile.</p><p>The servants spent all day decorating the castle. They put flowers on the staircase and cleared the Great Hall for dancing. </p><p>Since it was Allie’s birthday, her usual lessons were suspended. She didn’t really have anything to do but sit in the corner and watch them all set it up with a grin on her face. </p><p>“Pardon me, my lady.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie jumped. Pfeiffer was staring down at her with his eyebrows raised. “What, pray tell, is your ladyship doing?”</p><p>“I…I was just watching them.” Allie stuttered while scrambling to her feet.</p><p>“Why may I ask?”</p><p>Allie shrugged, “I just…I like to see how it all comes together. It makes it even more magical somehow to see the process.”</p><p>Pfeiffer looked like he was resisting a smile. “Well, you are right there, my lady. Hard work tends to make most things magical.”</p><p>Allie smiled at him. Pfeiffer always showed her the most kindness, and she had a sneaking suspicion she might be his favorite. </p><p>Pfeiffer eventually continued, “Your ladyship is not disturbing their work though, is she?”</p><p>Allie shook her head. </p><p>Pfeiffer nodded once, “Good.”</p><p>And with one last smile he let her be.</p><p>Not before long, it was time to get dressed. Her mother had let her get a new frock for tonight. It was a light blue to match her eyes. It had puffed sleeves that reached her elbows and a lace collar. A broad ribbon tie cinched at her waist making her dress fan out even more. Some of her hair was pulled out of her face and pinned with a flower pin. Her curls were let loose to tumble over her shoulders. </p><p>She brushed her dress off while watching her reflection in the mirror. She felt so beautiful. She felt a particular pang in her heart when she thought that a certain someone wasn’t here to see her like this. She pushed that feeling away. It was just a foolish fancy.</p><p>Everyone was already waiting for her when she went down. Friends and family were in the Drawing Room chatting while they waited for dinner. It was their family tradition. On someone’s birthday they would have a large feast with their loved ones. Then after dinner the person would open their presents at the library, then they would all take to the Great Hall to dance. </p><p>They all stood up as Allie walked in the room. She searched the room for her friends, and found Sam and Becca already huddled in a corner. Sam looked her up and down and mouthed a “wow.”</p><p>Her mother came up to her with a smile, “Happy birthday, my darling,” She pressed a kiss to her cheek, “Let’s go greet everyone.”</p><p>Allie was paraded around the room, letting everyone bid her happy birthday and congratulate her. She would smile politely until her face started to hurt. This was the worst part of birthdays: having to make conversation with acquaintances. </p><p>But her mother was there through it all. She would squeeze her shoulder and tell everyone, “Isn’t my daughter absolutely beautiful?” It was enough to make Allie beam with pride. Her mother rarely showed this much affection towards her. She usually spared those compliments for Cassandra.</p><p>Dinner included all of her favorite dishes. Mrs. Chapman, their cook, had really outdone herself this time. There were several courses with hors d’oeuvres, and soup, but what really took the gold was the cake. It was her favorite lemon cake, with frosting that made her almost moan in delight. It was absolutely delicious. </p><p>Allie was full to the brim when it was finally time for presents. They all followed into the library where drinks were also served. She took a seat on the couch and Cassandra sat next to her. She grinned at her and handed her a package, “Open mine first.”</p><p>Allie smiled and took the gift to her lap. She ripped the wrapping so viciously that Cassandra flinched slightly. Cassandra never ripped the wrapping paper.</p><p>Allie was unsurprised to find that it was a copy of <em> Little Women </em>. Cassandra always gave books. She traced the title with her fingers before reaching over to pull Cassandra into a hug.</p><p>“I love it, thank you.”</p><p>It took a while to open all the gifts. Becca gave her a beautiful pair of white evening gloves that went above her elbows. It was something a fine and proper lady would wear, something Allie would wear when she was older.  </p><p>Sam gave her a pair of shoes. His eyes twinkled when he signed, “Because you insist on ruining a pair every day with mud.”</p><p>Her parents gave her a pink dress so beautiful that she felt tempted to try it on immediately.<br/>
<br/>
The other guests gave her a wide array of gifts. She received some more books and dresses. Some also gave her gifts that felt more for the house than for her, like a vase.</p><p>“There’s one more,” Amanda said, “It’s from Mr. and Mrs. Bingham.”</p><p>Allie felt her heart racing as she ripped the wrapping paper. It was a velvet box almost as big as a book. She opened the box and gasped.<br/>
<br/>
It was a headband made of light pink silk. It was embroidered with a pattern of a growing flower across the band with pearls along the stem.</p><p>“It’s beautiful,” Her mother said, “Karen picked wisely.”</p><p>Allie traced the embroidery with her mouth slightly open. The two words <em> He remembered </em>were on a loop in her head. She and Harry had stopped outside a shop window in London and she had fawned over this headband for a good while before they were eventually scolded for stalling. </p><p>Allie smiled and didn’t look up, “Yes, she did.”</p><p>She always thought her feelings for him were nothing more than a foolish fancy. She always thought there would be no way he would reciprocate. But this gift…maybe there was some hope there after all.</p><p>She took a shuddering breath and put the headband pack in the box. Sam was looking at her curiously but she turned away to her mother. “Shall we start the dancing?”</p><p>Amanda squeezed her shoulder and smiled, “Yes, my dear.”</p><p>Dancing was always her favorite part. It didn’t scare her anymore, not since after her tenth birthday when she made sure to take the proper dance lessons. She remembered clearly the day when Harry had taught her the basics, twirling her around in the dark.</p><p>The string quartet played a cheerful tune and she watched from the sidelines as people zipped across the room. The footmen were walking around with drinks and she smiled at them in thanks.</p><p>Becca was dancing with Brandon Eggles, the son and heir of Viscount Branksome. </p><p>Sam and Allie watched them dance from the sidelines. </p><p>“So…” Sam started, “How long have you fancied Harry?”</p><p>Allie’s jaw dropped. She was so flustered she forgot to sign, “I don’t!”</p><p>Sam raised an eyebrow, “You’re a terrible liar.”</p><p>Allie scoffed which only made Sam’s grin widen. “Care to dance birthday girl?” He signed before offering her a hand.</p><p>Allie gladly took his hand and let him lead her to the center of the room. She spent their dance with her mind far far away. With a boy she had no business thinking about.</p><p>She noticed Pfeiffer watching over everyone and helping the footmen serve. She took a flower from one of the decorations and walked over to him. She reached up and put the flower in his jacket pocket before he could protest. She smiled at his stunned expression from her gift and scurried away. She realized later he still hadn’t taken the flower off.</p><p>When the festivities came to a close, and it was time for her to finally retire to her bedroom, Allie decided to write Harry back. She sat in her writing desk and searched for her dip pen for a good while before realizing it was nowhere to be found. </p><p>She asked her maid if she could find one for her and she brought over a spare one from the library.  </p><p>Allie took a deep breath and started writing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Harry,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Thank you for your birthday wishes and also for that beautiful headband, I’ll cherish it fondly. I just returned from my birthday celebrations, and I do wish you had been there. I danced so much that my feet will take days to recover.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She paused, wondering what else she could write. She settled on just saying what she would tell him if he was sitting right beside her.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You would be surprised how much of a struggle it was to write this letter. I couldn’t find a pen for a full half an hour, but eventually they brought me one from my father’s collection. I wish I was old enough to have my own pen. Something fancy with my initials. It seems like something a proper and sophisticated lady would have. As for any mischief I caused lately, I’m afraid I will prove disappointing. It was my birthday after all and I had to be on my best behavior. But I am planning something I think you’d rather enjoy… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Allie smiled as she wrote to him the plans she had for the mean Duchess they absolutely despised. She thought he’d appreciate her creative use of a can opener.</p><p>Her pen hovered over the paper as she was about to sign off. She thought of his closing and leaned back on her chair with a sigh.</p><p>She wished Harry was here <em> so </em> badly. She felt like him going to Eton was the start of his new life. A life without her. But maybe not. Maybe he would remain hers even if they didn’t see each other as often. She knew that <em> she </em> certainly would.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yours truly, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Allie </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> December 1907 </em>
</p><p>Allie bounced on her heels, her shoes crunching in the snow. She waited out on the lawn in front of the castle. The entire staff was to her left and her family was with her to right, and it all formed a pyramid.</p><p>She was looking out to the gate for those headlights. Sam took her wrist and whispered in her ear with his raspy voice, “Could you be any more obvious?”<br/>
<br/>
She glared at him and let her feet rest on the ground. She couldn’t be blamed for her enthusiasm. Harry was coming to Downton for the first time since May. Of course, Campbell, and Mr. and Mrs. Bingham and Elizabeth were also coming, but that didn’t feel nearly as important to her than the fact that Harry was coming.</p><p>The last time they had seen each other she had only been eleven. She was <em> twelve </em>now, only one year away from being a proper teenager. She was wearing the pink dress her parents gave her for her birthday, but most importantly the headband he gave her. It had quickly become her most prized possession and she’d been saving it for an important occasion, like this one.</p><p>Allie grinned when the headlights shone in the distance. He was <em> here </em> . He was going to step out of that car and give her that smile of his and pull her into a hug. She could barely restrain herself from jumping out and chasing after the car herself. She had missed him <em> so </em> much. They exchanged letters often but it wasn’t the same.</p><p>The motor pulled to a stop outside the front door. A footman rushed to pull the door open and help Karen out the car. </p><p>Amanda took a couple steps forward, “We’re so glad you could join us for Christmas. It would feel wrong to be apart on the holidays.”<br/>
<br/>
Karen smiled, “I couldn’t agree more. Thank you so much for having us.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie kept her eyes on the door and watched them file out one by one just <em> waiting </em>. George came out next. Elizabeth jumped out after him but the motor was still too far from the ground for her and she fell on her face. The footman rushed to help the seven year old to her feet. Allie swore she could hear Harry’s laughter from inside the car and her heart did a little flip. </p><p>This was it. He would step out and rush to give her a hug. </p><p>The butterflies in Allie’s stomach roared awake when Harry stepped out of the car with a grin on his face. She waited for him to meet her eyes, and then he didn’t. He turned back to look over his shoulder and wait for Campbell to climb out as well.</p><p>Allie’s blood froze as she watched the two of them laughing like the oldest of friends. <em> No </em> . This was temporary. Harry was just humoring him before he would turn back and join his <em> true </em> friends.</p><p>He still didn’t look at her. His eyes were solely on Campbell as they followed the adults inside the building. </p><p>Allie couldn’t move from her spot. She remained staring into the distance with a frown on her face. She knew this would happen. He would go to Eton and leave her behind. But he had <em>promised</em> <em>her</em> and for a moment she thought that maybe it wouldn’t happen. </p><p>How foolish had she been.</p><p>She reached up to touch the headband and was overwhelmed with the desire to toss it far away from her.</p><p>“Allie?” </p><p>She jumped at the sound of Sam’s voice. She looked around and noticed it was only them left. All the servants had also gone back inside. </p><p>He was looking at her with so much worry, “Are you alright?”</p><p>No, she wasn’t. But she nodded anyways, “I am. Let’s go inside.”</p>
<hr/><p>Allie sat with Cassandra in the library. She was trying to focus on her book but was distracted by Harry’s and Campbell’s laughter from across the room. She was tempted to throw the book at them. </p><p>She was furious. And every minute that ticked by without Harry talking to her would only make her even more angry. </p><p>She didn’t understand why Harry would want to talk to <em> Campbell </em> instead of her. Campbell was despicable and cruel. She didn’t understand how anyone, especially Harry, would just ignore those traits.</p><p>Allie was not nearly as self-righteous as Cassandra, but she knew there was a right and there was a wrong. Being friends with someone like that was <em> wrong </em> . What Harry was doing was <em> wrong. </em></p><p>It was Christmas Eve<em> . </em>She shouldn’t be feeling like this today. She shut her book and tucked it under her arm. </p><p>“I’m going to find Sam,” She explained to Cassandra. Cassandra nodded and looked down to read again. </p><p>She all but stormed out of the room. She was halfway up the staircase when Harry grabbed her wrist. She reluctantly turned back to face him.<br/>
<br/>
He gave her a smile like nothing was wrong, “We haven’t had the chance to talk since I got back.”<br/>
<br/>
“And whose fault is that?” She tugged her wrist from his grip and fled without another word.</p>
<hr/><p>Allie was spared from making conversation with Harry at dinner since he was sitting next to Cassandra. Again. </p><p>They were always put together for some reason, and Allie never understood why. It wasn’t like they ever talked or addressed each other.</p><p>Campbell was to Harry’s right and they spent the entire evening chatting. Allie wanted to scream.</p><p>She focused on Sam beside her and made conversation with him to distract herself. It helped. Somewhat.</p><p>The void in her stomach only seemed to grow every time she could hear Harry’s laughter in the distance. She felt like she was suffocating and soon enough, she would lose the ability to breath completely.</p><p>Thankfully, the time for the girls to take in came and she managed to flee to the safety of the Drawing Room. It would only be a short time before the boys joined them, so Allie made sure to enjoy every moment of it.</p><p>Not nearly enough time had passed when the boys joined them.</p><p>“I’m glad the headband turned out nicely. It looks good on you.”</p><p>Allie’s heart tightened at the way his voice softened. But she refused to look up from her book and meet Harry’s eyes. She wouldn’t break that easily.</p><p>He sighed and took a seat next to her on the couch, “I’m sorry, Allie. I didn’t mean to offend you.”</p><p>She gave a light scoff in disbelief.</p><p>“Is this about Campbell?” He asked. Her silence seemed to be enough of an answer. She could see him smirk from the corner of her eye, “Are you jealous that we’re friends now?”</p><p>She finally looked up to stare him dead in the eye. “Campbell doesn’t have friends, and you’re a fool to think otherwise.”</p><p>His smirk wavered slightly and she could see the doubt creep to his face. She shook her head and turned back to her book.</p><p>“You promised me you wouldn’t change when you went to Eton,” She admitted in a low voice.</p><p>“I didn’t,” He rushed to defend himself quickly and she snapped her head up.</p><p>“But you <em> did </em> . Since when are you friends with him? He’s…there’s something <em> wrong </em> with him. And you used to be able to see it too.”<br/>
<br/>
“I do still see it, it’s just,” He looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, “Things are different in Eton. It doesn’t mean things between us have to change.”</p><p>She stared at him for a long time, “That’s not true and you know it.”<br/>
<br/>
She snapped her book shut and stood up. She excused herself to her mother and went to bed.</p>
<hr/><p>Allie stood with her sister by the Christmas tree in the Great Hall. They were handing out Christmas gifts for the servants. </p><p>She could hear Harry and Campbell snickering behind them.</p><p>She pushed her annoyance out of the way. Now was not a time for her pesky feelings. Now was about thanking and showing appreciation for the people who made her life easier throughout the year so graciously. </p><p>The servants were all lined up and their names were being called one by one to receive their gift. </p><p>“Mrs. Chapman.”</p><p>A stout and short old lady hobbled up. Her red hair was peeking out under her cap.</p><p>Amanda smiled kindly and handed her her gift, “I can’t wait for you to open this.”</p><p>“Thank you, your ladyship,” Mrs. Chapman replied.</p><p>“Happy Christmas, Mrs. Chapman,” Cassandra said as politely as always.</p><p>Allie forced a smile on her face too, “Happy Christmas.”</p><p>Allie’s smile slid of her face when she heard Campbell whisper, “I still don’t understand the point of this stupid tradition. They serve <em> us </em>.”</p><p>She turned around to glare at him over her shoulder. She whispered at them furiously, “Shut your mouth and learn some respect.”</p><p>Campbell gave her a snide smile, completely unfazed by her reprimand. Harry had the decency to look sorry and looked down at his feet to avoid her eyes.</p><p>She faced the front again with a huff and focused on the task at hand. </p><p>When all the gifts were handed out, Allie all but rushed up the stairs and into her room.</p><p>When it was time for luncheon, Allie spent her time only with Sam and Cassandra. She barely spared Campbell or Harry a single glance. </p><p>They were all together in the library and would now open their gifts, as was tradition. The staff would have their Christmas feast below while they fended for themselves. And then they would have their proper feast at dinner. </p><p>Sam gave her his gift and Allie ripped open the wrapping paper within seconds. She opened the circular box and smiled. It was a beautiful white broad brim hat adorned with lace and ribbons.   </p><p>Allie thanked him and gave him a hug. She reached for the next present and felt a lump grow in her throat when she saw it was Harry’s. She felt his stare on her from across the room and she tore the paper even more viciously.</p><p>She opened the velvet box underneath and froze when she saw what was inside. It was a golden dip pen, and it felt cool underneath her fingers. The letters <em>A. R. P, </em>her initials, were engraved on the side with big cursive letters.</p><p>She looked up to meet Harry’s eyes. He looked almost nervous as he watched her reaction. </p><p>Maybe he was right. Maybe what happened in Eton didn’t mean that things would have to change between.</p><p>She gave him a small smile and his expression softened immediately at the peace offering. </p><p>Allie broke their gaze and shook her head slightly, “Who’s next?”</p><p>When Harry opened her gift, she also couldn’t help but watch him too. She’d previously considered switching it out to something else when she was angry at him, but now she was glad she didn’t. </p><p>She watched his eyebrows furrow when he saw the book title, probably wondering why Allie would give him a book on floriography of all things.</p><p>But then he turned to the first page and he smiled. She knew exactly what the note on the front page said.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Now we can exchange flowers without accidentally offending each other. If I plan on insulting you with a bouquet, I’d rather you understand how purposeful and clever it is. I have the same edition. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> - Allie </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He looked up to meet her eyes and smiled. He shook his head slightly as if he couldn’t believe her. She just shrugged with a small smile and looked back down at her lap.</p><p>Not much after Cassandra had vacated the spot next to her, Harry came to join her, “I have to admit your gift must be favorite. I cannot wait to send passive aggressive messages to people.”</p><p>She smirked, “Well, we are English so that isn’t necessarily new territory.”</p><p>He laughed and she smiled at him. It felt so good after all the frustration and anger she felt towards him to be able to have that bright laugh directed at her. </p><p>Harry cocked his head slightly, looking a little bit nervous. “Does this mean that we’re alright?”<br/>
<br/>
She nodded, “Yes, we’re alright.”</p><p>“Good,” He smiled before adding, “I missed you terribly, you know.”<br/>
<br/>
Something in her heart tightened and Allie beamed, “I missed you too.”</p><p>“So…” His eyes swept the room, “Did anything change around here?”</p><p>Allie raised an eyebrow, “What do you think?”<br/>
<br/>
He grinned and it made Allie’s stomach tighten, “Fair enough.”</p>
<hr/><p>“What are you doing?”<br/>
<br/>
“Reading.” </p><p>Harry rolled his eyes at Allie’s deadpan answer. She barely even looked up from the book on her lap. She’d been doing that more lately: reading. It reminded him of Cassandra.</p><p>“That’s a shame,” He said and leaned back to drape an arm over the back of the couch, “I was hoping you’d come out for a ride with me. I needed a distraction to take my mind off the shoot.”</p><p>“Why would you need–” Her head snapped up when she realized, “You’re going to the shoot?”</p><p>Harry nodded, glad to have gained her attention. This was more like the Allie he knew, “Father said I’m finally old enough to take part.”</p><p>Allie’s eyebrows furrowed slightly, the way she always did when she was frustrated. Allie always hated being left out, “Lucky.”</p><p>The New Years Day shoot was one of Downton’s many traditions, but only Cassandra was old enough to partake. Well, not anymore.</p><p>Harry didn’t mention how his father had told him he would come by claiming “it was time to be a man.” Or that his disappointment in Harry seemed to come off in waves as he ranted about the importance of a shoot in regards to manhood. </p><p>He only grinned, “I’ve already had Jasper saddled up.”</p><p>She smiled and snapped her book shut, “I’ll go and get dressed.”</p>
<hr/><p>Becca and her parents came up the day of the shoot and Allie couldn’t be more ecstatic.  It had been awhile since she’d seen her friend and she had missed her. </p><p>She was glad she was coming today, especially since Harry and Cassandra were both going to the shoot and leaving her behind. </p><p>At least her and Sam would have Becca as well. </p><p>The three of them went outside to see the people off. Everyone was chatting right outside on the pebbles. Footmen passed drinks around as they waited.</p><p>Allie carefully approached Harry, who was staring off into nowhere with a solemn look on his face, “Hello.”</p><p>He jumped and looked at her as if he’d only just noticed her come up, “Oh. Hello.”</p><p>She gave him a small smile, “You alright?”</p><p>A second went by before he nodded, “Perfectly fine, thank you.”<br/>
<br/>
She didn’t believe him for a moment. But she didn’t have time to prod before he was called for the first drive. He didn’t even bid her goodbye before joining his father.</p><p>Allie frowned as she watched him leave. She wished, not for the first time, that she was old enough to join them.</p><p>With a sigh she went back inside with Sam and Becca. They chose to stay in the Library. Becca was telling them all the gossip she had overheard from her mother. Apparently, Lady Kelly had spat on the Viscount’s shoes after he had said something particularly offensive. </p><p>Allie had nerve, but she never thought she would have enough courage to defy someone so outright. She was more of the “quiet defiance” type of girl.</p><p>Allie excused herself when she saw the party had returned and ran out to the gravel to greet Harry.</p><p>“How was it?” She asked.</p><p>He brushed past her and knocked his shoulder against hers, “I have to get cleaned up.”</p><p>She frowned after him as he disappeared in the castle. What had happened in the shoot?</p>
<hr/><p>Harry sat on his bed with his palms pressed against his eyes. Even with the stars that danced around his eyes, he could still see the disappointment in his father's face. Stupid, stupid, <em> stupid </em>. </p><p>He stood up and kicked his bed with a frustrated groan. Why was he such a coward?</p><p>His father was right. He was barely a man at all. Harry was fully capable of talking circles around most people, but when it came to any sort of action he would bail. </p><p>It was just a bird. Why couldn’t he bring himself to pull the trigger? He couldn’t even kill a bird. What would happen if, <em> God forbid </em> , he was ever involved in a war? How was he supposed to kill a <em> person </em>? He would just have to pray it would never come to that.</p><p>He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and froze. He looked like a mess. He had mud splattered on his face and his left cheek was still slightly red from his father’s smack.</p><p>Harry closed his eyes and collapsed back on the bed. He had to calm himself down before joining the New Years celebrations. </p><p>He could pull himself together. He could put on the mask. He had done it plenty of times before.</p><p>He took one last deep breath and stood up to pull on the strip of cloth that would ring the bell in the Servant’s Hall, indicating he was ready to get dressed. </p>
<hr/><p>Harry joined the celebrations in the Drawing Room. He walked over to the drinks table and picked his own glass. Like Christmas, New Year’s was also a holiday that they would fend for themselves and let the servants celebrate downstairs.</p><p>He had barely taken a sip before Allie came up to him. Her eyes were calculating as she looked him up and down as if assessing for injuries. She was wearing a teal dress that made her eyes even more blue. “Are you alright?”</p><p>He nodded, making sure to keep his face in the calm mask he had long mastered, “I’m great, actually. I’m quite excited for 1908. Do you have any resolutions?”</p><p>She looked at him for a long moment and he thought that maybe she could see right through him. But then she shook her head and smiled lightly, “I couldn’t really come up with anything. Do you have any?”</p><p>“Oh, you know the usual. Read more, be kind and all that nonsense I won’t ever do.”</p><p>She snorted in a very un-ladylike manner. He felt somewhat better.</p><p>“It’s nearly time everyone,” Amanda announced.</p><p>Allie gasped and walked over to stare at the golden ornamented clock. </p><p>Elizabeth joined her and tried to go on her tiptoes to see the clock with no avail. Harry walked over and picked his sister up. He had underestimated how much she weighed. She was seven years old and she definitely looked it. But Elizabeth was clinging to his neck and watching the hand go around the clock with baited breath and Harry couldn’t find it in his heart to set her to the ground. </p><p>“<em> Ten, nine, eight, </em>” Elizabeth murmured under her breath. </p><p>The clock sounded loudly and Elizabeth cheered, “Happy New Year!” She pressed a kiss to his cheek.</p><p>Harry grinned at her, “Happy New Year, Liz.”<br/>
<br/>
He set her down to her feet and together they went over to wish a Happy New Year to their parents. Karen gave them both a hug and a kiss on the cheek. George hugged Elizabeth but then straightened to give Harry a handshake. Harry tried to ignore the rotten feeling at the bottom of his stomach. </p><p>He moved across the room to where Allie was sitting with Sam, Becca and Cassandra. </p><p>Allie smiled up at him, “Happy New Year Harry.”<br/>
<br/>
He grinned and took a seat next to her, “Happy New Year.”</p><p>“Can you believe it’s already 1908?” Cassandra said and signed at the same time, “I feel like it’s all going by so fast.”</p><p>“Not fast enough,” Becca complained. “I just want to be old enough to partake in all the fun events and it feels so far away.” </p><p>Allie nodded in agreement, “Like the Season.” </p><p>“Exactly. How many years do you have until you’re presented, Cassandra?” Becca asked. </p><p>“A few more to go, I’m afraid.” Cassandra said.</p><p>“Well, I suppose it doesn’t really matter,” Becca commented. “Being presented at Court is all about taking part in the Season, but I don’t believe that has as much importance when you’re not looking for a suitor.”<br/>
<br/>
Harry froze. <em> No </em>, she couldn’t be saying what he thought she was.</p><p>Allie cocked her head curiously, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean that Cassandra doesn’t really care for looking for a suitor when her and Harry are to be wed,” Becca answered easily. She took notice of the tense silence and her eyes widened, “Oh no. Have I been terribly mistaken?”</p><p>Harry’s eyes met Cassandra’s and her face was as hard as stone.</p><p>“Nothing’s formal yet,” Harry corrected. His throat felt as dry as sandpaper. Did everyone know? Was he going to be seen as off-limits for the rest of his life because of a girl he wasn’t even sure he wanted to marry?</p><p>Allie was still staring at Becca with her mouth slightly open. She shook her head lightly and dipped her chin to her chest, “If you’ll excuse me, it’s late and I’m not feeling too well. I’m going to bed.”</p><p>Harry frowned at her. Allie loved New Years, it was her favorite holiday, and she usually was the last one to go to bed.</p><p>He reached for her arm, “I can ask someone to bring you some tea if you’d like.”<br/>
<br/>
She brushed off his touch and stood up. “I’m alright, thank you.”</p><p>He watched her leave, wondering what could’ve made her feel ill all of a sudden.</p>
<hr/><p>Allie slammed the door of her room shut and took a seat on her bed. She closed and tried to steady her breathing.</p><p>She was a foolish, <em> foolish </em> girl. How had she not seen this coming? Of course Harry and Cassandra would get married.</p><p>It would make the most sense. Cassandra was the first daughter and in theory, <em> she </em> was the rightful heir. Of course, she would be chosen.</p><p>She’d always known this was a foolish fancy. But there was always a part of her that hoped that <em> maybe </em>this would all work out in her favor. She and Harry just got along so well… </p><p>That part of her was the reason she cried that night. </p><p>These feelings were just that: <em> feelings </em>. Maybe if she never acted on them, they would one day disappear completely.</p><p>She and Harry were just friends. That’s all they would ever be. </p><p>He would never be truly hers. Not ever. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>January 1st 1908 </em>
</p><p>Allie walked down the stairs to breakfast with a heavy heart. She tried to ignore it and buried her nails into her palms to try and focus on something else.</p><p>Sam and Cassandra were already there eating with James. Allie took her seat next to Sam and she could feel his stare.</p><p>After she poured herself a cup of tea, she finally turned to face him. The pity in his eyes were obvious. </p><p>She looked away, feeling like his gaze had burned her. She wished Sam had never figured out her feelings for Harry. It made her disappointment more real. </p><p>He nudged her and signed right over his lap, out of view of everyone else on the table, “I’m really sorry.”</p><p>Allie sighed and took a sip of her tea. Her eyes looked at Cassandra across the table, her book open near her plate. She asked him what she had been asking herself since she found out, “Did you know?”</p><p>“No,” He replied immediately, “I swear I didn’t. I would have told you.”</p><p>“I believe you. Now, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” </p><p>Sam understood and Allie ate the rest of her breakfast in peace. </p><p>She approached Cassandra in the Library, where her sister was reading as always. </p><p>Cassandra closed the book immediately as Allie took a seat next to her. She seemed to guess what Allie was here to talk about. Allie noticed Cassandra was reading <em> Little Women </em>again.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Allie asked.</p><p>Cassandra didn’t look away or cower in shame. She was too strong for that. But the way she bit her lip let Allie know that she was indeed nervous, “Because nothing was official. We still have to decide for ourselves and we’re both too young. And…telling you would make it real, and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.”</p><p>Allie took a deep breath to prepare herself for what she would ask next. She spoke the words out quickly and all at once, as if she wanted to get it over with, “Do you think you’re going to marry him?”</p><p>Cassandra’s eyes widened and her mask broke. Allie had never seen her sister get so emotional. </p><p>“Oh, Allie I don’t know. It’s all so horrible and confusing. Part of me wants to because it’s so <em> practical </em> . Marrying Harry would mean staying at Downton and leading the life I always thought I would lead. But then another part of me says it’s–” She broke into a whisper as if she was too afraid to say it out loud, <em> “– </em> it says <em> it’s not worth it.” </em> </p><p>Allie reached for her hands and Cassandra clung to them tightly.</p><p>“Because I don’t love him, Allie. I don’t think I ever will. I read these books and I think this is what romance and love is like and I feel part of me waiting for this big love story and I hate myself for it.”</p><p>Allie shook her head, “Why would you hate yourself for that? That’s nothing to be sorry for.”<br/>
<br/>
“But it is.” Cassandra insisted. “Everyone is counting on me to do this. It’s my duty. Allie, it’s my <em> duty– </em>” </p><p>Cassandra broke into tears and Allie reached over to pull her into a hug. The book was stuck awkwardly between them and it jabbed Allie in the stomach but she didn’t pull away. </p><p>Allie had been so focused on her own pain that she never thought of what Cassandra was feeling. She couldn’t do that again. Her sister needed her, and Allie had failed her by her own selfishness. <em> Never again. </em>Family must always come first.</p><p>Cassandra pulled apart to wipe her face, “I’m terribly sorry for all this–”<br/>
<br/>
“Don’t apologize,” Allie interrupted quickly.</p><p>Cassandra looked at the book in her lap again, “You know, I was reading this again because it reminds me of us, and how important sisterhood is. I was trying to place us. You remind me so much of Jo sometimes, with your fire and your ambition.” She reached up to touch her cheek, “But your kindness reminds me so much of Beth.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie shook her head lightly, the way she failed her sister was still to clear in her mind. “I’m not kind.”</p><p>“But you are,” Cassandra smiled softly, “Maybe you can’t see it. But the way you take care of everyone in small things, without them even asking, is so meaningful. Small acts of kindness Allie, can change the world.”<br/>
<br/>
Allie wasn’t sure she believed her but she found herself getting emotional as well. She blinked away the tears, “My copy of <em> Little Women </em> is upstairs. Why don’t I go get it and I can come back here and we can read it together?”<br/>
<br/>
Cassandra nodded, “I’d love that.”</p><p>Allie squeezed her hand and left her. </p><p>She was halfway up the stairs when she ran into Harry.</p><p>“Hello Allie. I’m about to go on a ride. Fancy joining me?”<br/>
<br/>
Allie saw the temptation in the offer but stopped herself. <em> Family first. </em>“No, thank you. Maybe later.” </p><p>He blinked in shock. “Oh. Alright then.”</p><p>Allie gave him a small smile and walked past him to reach her room. She spent the afternoon with Cassandra on the couch as they dived into <em> Little Women </em> together. She couldn’t find herself regretting her decision one bit. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. childhood is over</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>May 1913</em>
</p><p>It was the day of Allie’s presentation to Court. She could barely breathe and she didn’t know if it was because her corset was too tight or if it was pure anxiety. </p><p>Her maid, Helena, was putting the finishing touches in her hair. Helena had started working with them a couple of years ago, but since then has managed to work up to Head Housemaid. Allie was quite fond of her. </p><p>Helena fixed the veil on to Allie’s hair and made sure the three white ostrich feathers looked alright.</p><p>Her sister and her mother were already ready and were both staring at her with smiles on their faces. Her mother would keep saying how “proud she was” and Allie didn’t have it in her to dissuade her compliments. </p><p>“All done, m’lady,” Helena said and took a step back. </p><p>“Thank you, Helena.”</p><p>Allie took a deep breath and stood up to the full-length mirror. She was wearing the traditional white short-sleeved evening dress, with a train. She put on the white evening gloves that Becca gave her when she was young. </p><p>“Here,” Amanda came up behind her and clasped on a pearl necklace around Allie’s necklace, “It’s your granny’s. She told me it was time to pass it on to you.”</p><p>Allie teared up and reached up to brush her fingers against the pearls. Because Cassandra was the older sister she mostly received all of the heirlooms. But not this.</p><p>Amanda rested a hand on her shoulder, “You look beautiful, darling.”</p><p>Allie smiled and reached up to put a hand over her mother's, “Thank you.”</p><p>Cassandra came up on her other side and met her eyes through the mirror, “Are you nervous?”</p><p>Allie bit her lip and nodded. This was another one of those times when she felt truly nervous.</p><p>Cassandra smiled and reached over to take Allie’s hand. She could see their clasped fingers in the mirror. “I was <em>petrified </em>in my own presentation. But you’ll do great and dance and have a good time. And you’ll have Becca there as well.”</p><p>Allie nodded. The idea of her friend being presented with her soothed a little bit of the anxiety.</p><p>“Excuse me, m’lady. This just came in for you.” </p><p>Allie turned around and grinned when she saw what was in Helena’s arms. She unlatched herself from her mother’s and sister’s grasp to take the bouquet of flowers. She didn’t even bother asking if it came with a note. She knew who sent it.</p><p>She set it on her dressing table and grabbed the book by her bedside.</p><p>She ignored the crazy looks from her family and flipped through the pages. The white myrtle meant “Good luck.” The blue salvia meant “I think of you.”</p><p>She grinned and pressed the book against her chest. She took one last deep breath, letting the soothing smell of the flowers wash over her. </p><p>Allie set the book down and turned to them with a small smile on her face, “I’m ready.”</p><p>She felt the anxiety in her stomach had subdued substantially by the time they arrived at St. James Palace. </p><p>She found Becca before they were meant to come in. Becca was wearing a light pink gown, which was still acceptable but definitely unconventional compared to the other white dresses. Becca never was very good at following the strict rules of fashion. She looked beautiful either way.</p><p>She and her mother were finally announced and they stepped forward to curtsy before King George V and the Queen consort. Allie felt her fingers shake even though she had practiced this a billion times. </p><p>But then she blinked and it was over. She was officially an eligible young woman. </p><p>Honestly, it felt somewhat anticlimactic. But it didn’t matter because now she could take part in the Season. Now she could go out and attend balls and parties and actually <em>enjoy </em>London. It also meant she was old enough to find a husband, but Allie didn’t think too much about that.</p><p>She found Becca afterward and gave her the biggest hug.</p><p>“Can you believe that after all these years it’s finally happened?” Becca asked.</p><p>“I can’t really,” Allie answered honestly.</p><p>“Well, it has!” Becca shook Allie’s shoulders lightly in enthusiasm. “We can now wreak havoc like we always said we would.”</p><p>Allie laughed, “I can’t wait.”</p><p>“Are you coming to the races tomorrow?” Becca asked.</p><p>Allie nodded.</p><p>“Good, I’ll see you there.” Then with one last hug, Becca left.</p><p>Allie took a deep breath and brushed some hair off her forehead. <em> It was over. It was done. </em></p><hr/><p>Helena helped her pick her outfit for the races the next day. This was her first event of the Season and she wanted to make sure she picked the proper outfit. </p><p>They chose a light blue day dress with buttons that pinned the dress to her left and went all the way down. There was a white lace collar and white lace cuffs on the sleeves that came to her elbows. She chose a hat of the same shade of blue and Helena pinned her curls up masterfully.</p><p>She wore shoes with a small heel, just enough so that she felt like a proper lady. </p><p>She smiled at the mirror at the final result, “Thank you, Helena. This is perfect.”</p><p>Helena smiled back and nodded once.</p><p>Cassandra, Allie, and Sam chatted all the way through to the Royal Ascot. Allie was distracted though. She would keep looking out the window and sometimes miss a couple of signs and have to scramble back into the conversation.</p><p>Amanda and James were both quiet, just happy to enjoy the ride in silence.</p><p>They arrived and Allie took a deep breath to steel herself. She was very aware of how her first impressions would last upon this very elite crowd. A footman opened the door and helped them out of the motor. </p><p>Sam seemed to notice her anxiety and offered her his arm. She happily took it and he leaned in to speak into her ear, “You’ll do great.”</p><p>Allie smiled at him in thanks.</p><p>There would surely be plenty of press and important politicians which Allie was sort of excited about. She desperately wanted to talk to them about the female vote, but that would have to come later <em>after </em>she had charmed them. For now, she had to get through the first part. </p><p><em> Yes, I can be charming, </em> Allie thought to herself as they reached their enclosure. </p><p>Becca found them first, and they quickly started talking as if they hadn’t seen each other less than 24 hours ago.</p><p>Sam left and came back with drinks that Allie easily accepted. Her eyes swept the room looking for anyone she might recognize. Cassandra had disappeared to talk to one of her friends. There were a couple of other lords and ladies she recognized like Kelly Aldrich and Brandon Eggles. She didn’t come up to say hello though, <em> no, </em>she wanted to say hello to someone else first.</p><p>She finally saw him. Harry was laughing and talking to a couple of other boys. Though Allie didn’t fancy him anymore (that was a dark phase she forced herself to forget about) she had to admit he looked quite good in his morning coat and top hat. <em> Who was she kidding? </em>He always looked good.</p><p>After he graduated from Eton she assumed he would come down to Downton more often. But he had stayed in London, spending time with his school friends.</p><p>It was a false hope that their friendship would go back to what it once was. They were kids then. They were still friends, of course, it was just <em>different. </em>Those flowers though…she had to talk to him.</p><p>She excused herself from Sam and Becca and walked over to where he was standing. </p><p>“Hello,” Allie said tentatively.</p><p>Harry turned to look at her and something in his face shifted, “Hello.” There was an awkward moment where they all stood there before Harry caught himself, “Right. Allie, this is Walter Franck, he works at the German Embassy.” Allie smiled at Walter, a boy with blonde hair and a mustache that looked awfully bizarre on his baby face. </p><p>“And this is Oliver Smith, his father is an American senator. We all went to school together.” Oliver was a tall, lanky boy with a smile that didn’t sit too well with Allie. “Gentlemen, this is Lady Allie Pressman, Cassandra’s sister.”</p><p>Allie’s face fell. Since when was she ever known to him as <em>Cassandra’s</em> <em>sister?</em></p><p>The boys both nodded immediately in understanding. </p><p>“Ahhh, so you’re going to be Bingham’s sister in law?” Oliver teased.</p><p>Cassandra and Harry’s supposed engagement was practically common knowledge in the elite. They still hadn’t formally announced it yet.</p><p>Allie gave him the sweet smile she usually gave people when she wanted to hide the fact that she wanted to smack them, “You could say that.”</p><p>“Well, that’s good for me then. It would be such a shame for a lovely thing like you to go to someone like Bingham.” </p><p><em> Jesus Christ. </em> This American really had no control over his tongue. </p><p>“Just shut up, Ollie,” Harry snapped. He looked more uncomfortable with every second that passed. Walter was at least looking a little bit ashamed at his friend’s manners.</p><p>Allie cleared her throat and faced Harry, “I wanted to thank you for the flowers.”<br/><br/>“Flowers?” Oliver exaggerated, “You’re sending <em>her </em>flowers now, Bingham? I thought it was her sister you were marrying.”</p><p>Allie felt her face heat up. It wasn’t like that at all. Those flowers were an inside joke between them, a message of good luck. It wasn’t meant to be romantic, and she waited for Harry to explain that to them.</p><p>But he simply scrunched his eyebrows, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t send any flowers.”</p><p>Allie stared at him in shock. She knew he was lying.<em> Of course, </em> it had been him. He just didn’t want to admit it in front of his friends. Allie felt overwhelmed with disgust. She could barely recognize this prat in front of her.</p><p>Allie did something she hadn’t done to Harry since she was a child: She gave him her sweet smile. “You’re right. I must’ve been mistaken. I should’ve known that such a lovely gift would never have come from someone like yourself.”</p><p>His eyes blazed with fury and Allie felt satisfaction course through her veins. She turned to the boys next to him, “Have a good evening, gentlemen.”</p><p>She left them with a sour feeling in her stomach. Lord, she had hoped that Harry would welcome her further into his life now that she had been presented but she had been wrong. Instead, he was ashamed of her.</p><p>Well, she would prove him wrong. Lady Allie Pressman was nothing to be ashamed about. She circled the room and chatted with different lords and ladies, being her most charming self. </p><p>She was having a particularly interesting conversation with Brandon Eggles, the son and heir of Viscount Branksome when Harry came around to talk to her. </p><p>“Will you excuse us for a moment?” He didn’t wait for the answer before grabbing her wrist and pulling her away. She protested but he didn’t let go until they were out of the enclosure and away from prying eyes.</p><p>He turned on her with the same burning look as before, “What do you think you’re doing?”</p><p>“Well, I thought I was ‘talking’ before some prat pulled me away with no warning.”</p><p>“This isn’t funny, Allie. You can’t just go around talking to every eligible bachelor in the room. What will people think?”</p><p>“They won’t think anything of it!” Allie laughed, “I’m a lady who has just been presented. According to everyone, my whole life mission should now be finding a husband.” Harry looked like he was about to retort when she continued, “Besides, I don’t see how this is any of your business. You don’t seem to care about anything else I do so why should you care about this?”</p><p>His eyebrows came together slightly and his shoulders deflated. He actually seemed offended and even disappointed at her assumption, “I <em> do </em> care.”</p><p>Allie scoffed, “Oh, please. Spare me. You just can’t bring yourself to admit that we’ve changed–that <em> you’ve </em> changed!” </p><p>“Oh, <em> I’ve </em> changed?” He pointed at his chest, looking absolutely indignant. “What about you? It seems all you do these days is hide behind Cassandra and bite your tongue. Where is the girl who would wreak havoc for fun and not let anyone else get in the way?” </p><p>“That girl grew up,” She spat at his face. “And it’s about time you grew up too. You’ve graduated from Eton a year ago and what have you done since then? <em> Nothing </em>except drink with your old school friends. You’re not a child anymore, Harry. <em> Act like it. </em>” </p><p>He deflated and she knew some of what she said had hit home.</p><p>“Harry–” He brushed past her without another word. Allie closed her eyes as she heard him walk away. </p><p>A part of her (the one that had finally listened to Cassandra’s lectures on propriety) was telling her that she should go and apologize for her words. But another, much more stubborn, part was saying that <em>he </em>was in the wrong and that nothing in her speech was something she should apologize for. </p><p>She chose to listen to the latter. She walked over to Sam and stole his drink to take a big gulp. He raised his eyebrows but didn’t comment.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> June 10th, 1913 </em>
</p><p>“You are not going.”</p><p>“I <em> am. </em>”</p><p>Allie was not backing down. She would find a way to go to the funeral of Emily Davison even if her parents chained her to her bed.</p><p>In life, there were moments that mattered. There were choices that mattered, and this was definitely one of them. </p><p>“You are not!” James wasn’t giving in either, “This could be dangerous, and I will not have my daughter hurt over something like <em> this </em>.”</p><p>Her father never raised his voice, only when he was extremely furious. Like now.</p><p>“Alexandra, do you have any idea what this would mean for our family?” Amanda argued with a significantly lower volume than her husband. </p><p>“What?” Allie snapped back, “Are you scared that people would think you have a daughter that actually thinks for herself?”</p><p>“Lord, what has gotten into you?” Amanda waved her arms about in a dramatic manner only Americans ever seem to do, “You’ve been so good lately. I thought you had finally grown out of whatever mischievous phase you had when you were younger but I suppose not.”</p><p>“This isn’t about causing mischief, Mama,” Allie pleaded. “This is about what is right. Emily Davison contributed wonders for the female vote and she deserves to be honored properly. I want to attend her funeral and pay my respects for everything she has done.”</p><p>“She was A TERRORIST,” Her father roared. Allie couldn’t help but flinch and take a step back. “SHE BROKE WINDOWS, WENT TO PRISON SEVERAL TIMES AND THREW HERSELF INTO THE RACECOURSE OUT OF HER OWN VOLITION. SHE IS NOT A MARTYR.”</p><p>He stopped his rant in deep pants. Allie stared at him in horror. He had never yelled at her like that. She could see regret in his eyes as he tried to regain his breath. </p><p>He took a couple steps closer to her. She didn’t pull away. “You are not going to that funeral, Alexandra. And that is final.”</p><p>Allie stared at her father straight in the eye. How couldn’t he understand? How didn’t he understand why this mattered to her? He had two daughters and yet he didn’t seem to care for their rights at all. </p><p>Of course, he meant well and loved them deeply, but what did that matter when at the core he didn’t even think they should have the right to vote? What was their relationship even worth when their morals were incomplete misalignment?</p><p>She knew it was pointless to argue further. He wouldn’t ever give her permission to go. Allie would just have to find a way to go without it. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> June 14th, 1913 </em>
</p><p>Allie was going to the funeral. She had come up with a strategy that could involve the least amount of people, especially servants (she didn’t want to get them caught in the crossfire.) </p><p>Helena helped her get dressed, but Allie told her it was for lunch with Sam.</p><p>She wore her simplest white dress in hope of downplaying her wealth. She added a purple silk ribbon to her broad-brim hat. White and purple were the colors of the suffragette.</p><p>When she was about to leave Cassandra grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. “I know where you’re actually going.”</p><p>Allie hesitated. Cassandra was still uneasy with defying her parents, “And are you going to stop me?”</p><p>Cassandra stared at her for a long moment, “No, I won’t.”</p><p>Allie beamed and grabbed Cassandra’s hands, “Come with me.”</p><p>Cassandra shook her head, “I couldn’t. You’re the revolutionary in the family. I’m more of the type to work the politicians themselves.” </p><p>Allie didn’t doubt that. Cassandra had some good friends in high places. She was liberal as well and even had the ear of the chancellor of the Exchequer, David Lloyd George. Allie always told Cassandra she should get into politics herself. </p><p>“Alright. If you say so.”</p><p>Cassandra gripped her hands even tighter, “Be sure to make them pay for how women are treated in this society.”</p><p>Allie leaned forward and kissed Cassandra’s cheek, <em> “Thank you.” </em></p><p>She left feeling even more motivated than before. </p><p>She told the chauffeur, Shoe, to drop her off a couple of blocks before the meeting point, Victoria station. She could walk the rest and this way he couldn’t be held accountable. </p><p>She met her friend and pen pal, Gwen Patterson, a member of the Women’s Social and Political Union. Her parents would faint if they knew how close she was to someone who had been arrested plenty of times.</p><p>Gwen smiled when she saw her, “You came!”</p><p>“I did,” Allie eyed all the police officers waiting along the street. </p><p>Gwen seemed to catch on her anxiety, “Don’t worry. The coppers won’t touch us when we’re all going on the telly. And if they do we’ll just shove them right back.”</p><p>Allie held back a smile at Gwen’s strong cockney accent. She had few people in her life who spoke so crassly and bluntly; it was refreshing.</p><p>“Here,” Gwen gave her a black armband that matched hers and Allie put it on quickly.</p><p>“Come on, we can’t be late,” Gwen grabbed her hand and led her through the crowd. There were plenty of people, men and women all gathered to see the procession. They reached the edge of the crowd, where a path was cleared for the coffin to go through. Police officers were holding the crowd back and setting up metal railings. </p><p>Gwen was trying to explain to the officer (using a vocabulary so vulgar it made Allie blush) that they were meant to join the procession when someone from the inside recognized Gwen and helped them through.</p><p>The woman had brown skin and wore a hijab. She wore a black sash like Gwen and had her arms filled with white lilies. </p><p>Allie couldn’t help but be slightly surprised. There weren’t many Muslim people in her inner circle.</p><p>“I was afraid you wouldn't make it,” The woman spoke to Gwen.</p><p>“No need to worry, I made it just fine.”</p><p>The woman’s eyes turned to Allie, “She’s not a member.”</p><p>“No, she isn’t,” Gwen admitted, “But I can vouch for her. Allie, I’m sure you heard of Bean Akkad, co-founder of the London branch of the WSPU.”</p><p>Allie blinked. This was Bean Akkad? “Of course, I’ve heard many great things about you.”</p><p>Bean’s eyebrows raised slightly and Allie was sure her posh accent had given her away.</p><p>“This is <em> Lady </em> Allie Pressman,” Gwen spoke the ‘lady’ in a whisper as if it was a dirty little secret.</p><p>Bean looked her up and down in a way that made Allie uncomfortable, “A lady suffragette? I never thought I’d see the day.”</p><p>Allie didn’t know what to say, she felt slightly intimidated by these women. They were hard-working women that fought every day for the female vote, and what had Allie done? </p><p>So she said the first thing that came to her mind, “Well, I don’t think my family did either, yet here we are.”</p><p>She didn’t know if that was the right thing to say but then Bean laughed and looked at Gwen in approval, “I like this one.”</p><p>Allie held back a smile herself.</p><p>“Well <em>m’ lady</em>, I can’t say everyone will be happy to have you in our midst.” Bean said truthfully, “We’ve fought a lot of aristocrats, yeh know?”</p><p>Allie nodded, thinking of all the people she heard dismissing their movement at dinner tables, “I know.”</p><p>“But I reckon anyone who wants to honor the life of Emily Davison and what she stood for is welcome,” Bean finished and handed Allie some of the lilies in her arm.</p><p>Allie smiled at her in gratitude and Bean smiled back. She knew what a big deal this was, a lady associating herself with a “terrorist group”.</p><p>Another woman came over and Bean turned around to talk to her.</p><p>“Emmeline’s been arrested. She can’t come today.”</p><p>By the way, the woman said <em> Emmeline </em>she could tell this was Emmeline Pankhurst, the founder of the WSPU. </p><p>“What?” Bean gasped. They talked in hushed tones and Allie couldn’t catch anything else.</p><p>The woman left and Bean turned to Allie and Gwen, “It’s time.”</p><p>The women around them started to march and Bean disappeared into the crowd. Gwen grabbed Allie’s hand to bring her to flank a carriage full of flowers and wreaths. Gwen found herself some lilies to carry as well.</p><p>There were so many women, and even young girls gathered to walk down the street. Spectators watched from the sidelines, waiting for the carriage with Emily Davison’s coffin to pass by.</p><p>All this attention, all these people watching, it made Allie’s heart fill with hope. Women mattered. Their lives <em> mattered </em>. The fact that so many people were gathered here to honor the life of this woman was proof of it.</p><p>Her eyes turned glassy at all the women standing together, as they should.</p><p>She caught Gwen’s eyes and she expected the girl to scoff and say something condescending like “Going soft there, m’lady?”</p><p>But she didn’t. Gwen gave her a watery smile in return and looped her arm with hers. </p><p>She was sure that if she hadn’t marched here in solidarity with her sisters she would regret it for the rest of her life.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> July 1913 </em>
</p><p>Allie looked out the window as they rode back from the train station. Sam sat quietly as well.</p><p>Her father and mother were discussing some business or another. She wasn’t paying too much attention. If she even tried to join the conversation, her father would simply stop talking. He still hadn’t forgiven her for going to Emily Davison’s funeral. She had no chance to hope that she wouldn't be caught; her name was featured on the next day’s paper under “Notable Appearances” at the procession.</p><p>The way her father had yelled at her was something she would never forget. Maybe someday he would understand, but it didn’t seem like that day would come anytime yet.</p><p>Cassandra was staying in London for a couple more weeks, setting up her charity clinic somewhere in the East End. Allie knew she was trying to find a doctor to work free of charge which was proving no easy task. But Allie wasn’t worried, Cassandra always managed to get what she wanted.</p><p>Allie envied Cassandra on that account. She felt so useless sometimes. Especially since the procession, Allie felt like her life had come to be nothing except read, go to dinner and write letters. She ached for a purpose. But she couldn’t seem to find it yet.</p><p>The motor finally pulled up at Downton and Allie smiled at all of the familiar faces waiting for them. </p><p>Their footman opened the door and helped Allie out, “Thank you, Luke.”</p><p>Luke smiled slightly at her in response. </p><p>Pfeiffer was waiting for them inside the Great Hall. He had come up from London a day earlier to make sure everything was in order.</p><p>James smiled, “What a relief to be home.” </p><p>Mrs. Williams, the Head Housekeeper, smiled at them, “Will Lady Cassandra be back soon?”</p><p>“She’s staying with her Aunt Lynette for a couple more weeks,” Amanda explained. “I think I’ll wash the train off me before dinner.”</p><p>“Very good m’lady,” Miss. Lexie Pemberton, Amanda’s lady’s maid, “I’ll unpack while you’re bathing.”</p><p>“See you up there,” Amanda called out before going up the stairs. </p><p>James shared an awkward look with Allie before going up as well. Allie held back a sigh. She loved her father and she wished he would just forgive her already. She wasn’t sure she could handle this much longer.</p><hr/><p>Helena rushed down the servants stairs, thinking of everything she had to get done before dinner was served. She had already finished unpacking Lady Allie’s things. With Lady Cassandra still in London it had gone considerably faster.</p><p>She walked past the kitchen and into the Servant’s Hall. A couple people were gathered drinking tea and eating scones with clotted cream and jam. </p><p>The Servant’s Hall was a small room with a long wooden table, with seats on either side. An old piano was shoved into the corner and a large wooden cabinet held all the plates and kitchenware. On the wall closest to the door, there was a large board with an intricate bell system, where they could ring for the servants from upstairs. Each bell had a label underneath it with the name of the room. </p><p>Helena took a seat and started to serve herself.</p><p>“Are you glad to be back from London?” Luke asked from his seat next to her. He was first footman and had been at Downton for almost a year now. He had always been kind to her.</p><p>“Yes, partly,” She answered truthfully, “I must say London is a bit too busy for me sometimes. I’ve also missed our church.”</p><p>Luke leaned in slightly and spoke in a low tone, “Is it true, what they say? About Lady Allie going to Emily Davinson’s procession?”</p><p>Helena looked around to make sure no one was listening and nodded, “It is. His lordship was livid,” she smirked, “I thought it was quite brave, actually.”</p><p>“I thought it was quite stupid,” Lexie cut in. “A lady shouldn’t be a suffragette. It’s just plain wrong, is what it is.”</p><p>“I hope you’re not referring to Lady Allie, Miss. Pemberton.”</p><p>Everyone scrambled to their feet as Pfeiffer hovered behind Lexie. Lexie’s face fell as she shook her head, “No, Mr. Pfeiffer.”</p><p>“I should hope not,” Mr. Pfeiffer said. They only sat down again when Mr. Pfeiffer had taken his seat at the head of the table. </p><p>Helena had picked up quickly enough when she had started working at Downton that Pfeiffer had a soft spot for Lady Allie. He wouldn’t tolerate any badmouthing towards their employers, but he would turn particularly vicious if it was Lady Allie.</p><p>Not that Helena had any trouble with that. She was quite fond of Lady Allie and over the past four years of working at Downton had only grown to respect her even more. </p><p>The bell for Lady Allie’s room sounded and Helena shoved the rest of the scone into her mouth as she stood up. It was time for Lady Allie to get dressed for dinner.</p><hr/><p>Dinner was quieter than usual. Even with the Binghams coming up from Bingham House this evening, Elizabeth was only really talkative when Harry was around. Which he wasn’t. He was still in London.</p><p>Allie was mostly talking to Sam. She wasn’t particularly eager to join the other conversation with her father still angry with her.</p><p>“I interviewed him in London,” Sam was telling her, “He seems eager for the job and he came with good references. He even was trained as a medic for a little while.”</p><p>“Goodness!”</p><p>“I know. He also said he was eager to learn BSL which was the best I could hope for.”</p><p>“Still,” Allie insisted, “What sort of name is Grizz?”</p><p>Sam shrugged, “It’s short for Gareth, apparently.”</p><p>She shuddered, “I don’t know which is worse.”</p><p>Sam smiled and took a sip of his wine.</p><p>Allie gave a look around the table to make sure no one was looking. “Is he nice to look at?” She asked with a smirk.</p><p>He grinned and gave her a wink, “Obviously.”</p><p>Only Allie knew about Sam’s <em> interest </em> in men. She had found out a couple years ago, and then she hadn’t really understood the magnitude of what it meant. If anyone else found out he might get thrown in jail. </p><p>“–apparently he’s now overcome with this desire to study for the Bar.” Now that caught Allie’s attention and she tuned in to what Karen was saying. “He says he wants to be a lawyer now, and it was time that he ‘grew up’ or something like that.”<br/><br/>Allie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Could they be talking about Harry? Becoming a lawyer?</p><p>Karen took a sip of her drink before continuing, “I told him he could do whatever he likes, as long as he goes on to work at some place like Lincoln’s Inn and not a random firm.”</p><p>Granny scoffed, “Could you imagine? The Earl of Grantham, a <em> lawyer </em>. How awfully middle-class.”</p><p>“I beg to differ,” It slipped off Allie’s tongue before she could help it, “I believe it might even come in use to know something about law when you’re running the estate and properties.” </p><p>They all were silent for a moment, surprised at Allie’s sudden interjection. Allie swore she could see Elizabeth smirk slightly.</p><p>Her father broke the silence, “You might be onto something there, Allie.”</p><p>Allie stared at him in shock. This was the first time he had spoken to her without yelling since the procession. His face softened and he nodded at her once. She turned to her meal to hide her smile.</p><p>She wasn’t surprised when he came to talk to her when they had all taken into the Drawing Room. </p><p>He looked nervous as he looked down at her, “Having children is…” He sighed, searching for the words, “You worry for them and you want the best for them, and nothing else matters but their safety. That’s all I ever wanted for you. One day, you will have your own and understand.”</p><p>Allie stared at him. She knew this was the closest her father would ever get to an apology. He was stubborn, just like her.</p><p>“I understand,” His face fell in relief, “But you must also understand that I had to go. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn’t.”</p><p>He bit his lip and she thought for a moment he would get angry all over again. But then he spoke softly, “Why? Why do you insist on involving yourself in such gloomy things?”</p><p>“Because it’s the gloomy things that need our help. If everything in the garden is sunny, why meddle?”</p><p> He smiled softly, “You’ve proven me wrong once more. At this point I’m not sure I would expect anything else.”</p><p>Allie beamed and brought him down for a hug, which he easily returned. She had missed her father.</p><hr/><p>Grizz was nervous on his first day. Oh alright, <em> extremely </em> nervous. He had never worked in such a big house before. His previous house only had a cook and a maid, so Grizz would have to get used to being in a house with so many people </p><p>His employer, Lord Sam, seemed kind enough. He was also very handsome which never was a downside.</p><p>He was to meet the Earl of Grantham first thing. Lord Sam had insisted.</p><p>Grizz waited in the Library and was looking through the names of the books that lined the walls. He could only dream of having so many at his disposal.</p><p>“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Lord James walked in with a friendly smile, “Mr. Visser, isn’t it?”</p><p>Grizz nodded, “Yes, your lordship.”</p><p>“I hope they’ve shown you where everything is and we’ve delivered whatever Sam promised at the interview?”</p><p>“Yes, m’lord.”</p><p>Lord James’ eyes scanned the books over Grizz’ shoulder, “You were admiring the Library?”</p><p>“Yes, m’lord,” Grizz answered truthfully, “You have a wonderful collection.”</p><p>“You’re very welcome to borrow books, if you wish?”</p><p>Grizz’s eyes widened, “Really, m’lord?”</p><p>He couldn’t imagine anything better than having access to that big wall of books. Imagine the possibilities. </p><p>“There’s a ledger over there that I make everyone use,” He pointed to a small table, “Pfeiffer and Mrs. Williams sometimes take a novel or two. What are your interests?”</p><p>“Philosophy and classical literature mainly.”</p><p>Lord James’ eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Heavens. Well, I’ll let Pfeiffer know you have my permission.”</p><p>Grizz smiled slightly, “Is that all, m’lord?”</p><p>“It is, thank you.”</p><p>Grizz bowed his head and left the room. That had gotten much better than he expected. He seemed kind enough for an earl, and he was letting him borrow his books! Grizz couldn’t wait to explore the titles carefully.</p><p>He tried to find the servant passages before finding a hidden door in the wall. He opened it to find a narrow corridor with bare, grey walls. There were stairs that spun up and down, with a wooden handrail. This was how the servants moved along the house without being seen, he assumed. He contemplated which way he should go before opting to go down. It seemed the most probable place where the servants would be. </p><p>He reached the bottom of the stairs and walked along to find a larger corridor filled with people walking around and looking busy. Maids were walking around with sheets in their hands. He could hear some shouts in the kitchen and he couldn’t help but hover.</p><p>“Take it out of the stove, William! Before it burns!” A stout lady with ginger hair was yelling across the counter.</p><p>A boy with dark skin and wild curls, William apparently, scrambled to move the pot, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Chapman.”</p><p>“Can I help you?”</p><p>Grizz turned to face who had spoken to him. It was a woman wearing a black dress with brown hair pulled out of her face and into a bun. Behind her was a maid with black hair and close set eyes and a footman with brown hair.</p><p>“I’m Grizz Visser, the new valet.”</p><p>“The new valet?” The woman wearing the black dress questioned. He didn’t like the tone in her voice.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>The maid smiled and extended her hand, which he shook. “I’m Helena, the head housemaid.”</p><p>“How do you do?”</p><p>“I’m Luke,” The man stepped forward and also shook his hand, “First footman.”</p><p>“And I’m Miss. Pemberton, her ladyship's maid,” The woman with the black dress said with a cold tone, “You better come along with us.”</p><p>They led him to Mr. Pfeiffer, the butler. He was a tall man who seemed to ooze authority.</p><p>“Good morning, Mr. Visser. Welcome. I hope your journey was satisfactory?”</p><p>“It was fine, thank you.”</p><p>Mr. Pfeiffer turned to a woman wearing a black dress with dark hair. “This is Mrs. Williams, the head housekeeper.”</p><p>Grizz bowed his head, “How do you do?”</p><p>Mrs. Williams gave him a small smile and nodded once.</p><p>“I assume that everything is ready for Mr. Visser’s arrival?” Mr. Pfeiffer asked.</p><p>“I put him in Mr. Watson’s old room,” Mrs. Williams answered.</p><p>Pfeiffer nodded once, “Luke, take Mr. Visser to his room and show him where he’ll be working.”</p><p>Luke smiled at Grizz and he smiled back. He seemed nice enough. </p><p>“Have you ever come to Downton before?” Luke asked him as he led them through the servant passages. It would take a couple days for Grizz to walk around without getting lost. This castle was like a maze.</p><p>“No, this is my first time.”</p><p>“Then I’ll give you the tour, after I show you the rooms,” Luke said as they went up even more stairs.</p><p>“Thank you. I appreciate it,” Grizz said honestly.</p><p>Luke shrugged with an easy-going smile, “It’s no big deal. Better me than Miss. Pemberton. She’d show you the female quarters and tell you it was the men’s for the fun of getting you in trouble.”</p><p>Grizz laughed, “Yes, she seemed…”</p><p>“Evil?” Luke supplied.</p><p> He grinned, “I was going to say ‘complex.”</p><p>Luke shrugged, “Different words, same meaning.”</p><p>“What about the other people? Like the maid? Helena, is it?”</p><p>Luke immediately brightened and his voice softened, “Yes, it’s Helena. She’s one of the good ones.” Luke cleared his throat, “A good worker I mean.”</p><p>Grizz didn’t say anything but made a mental note. There was definitely something going on there. Whether it was unrequited or they were secret sweethearts was still to be determined.</p><p>“The other footmen are fine,” Luke continued, trying to move past Helena, “Alvarado, his lordship’s valet, isn’t the brightest but he’s harmless. There’s Elle, one of the other maids, who works closely with Helena. She’s not that talkative but she’s not bad.”</p><p>“What about that boy in the kitchen?” Grizz asked.</p><p>“Oh, you mean Will. He works as a Cook’s Assistant–I know it was shocking to me too. I’ve never seen a boy cook before but he seems decent enough. Even though Mrs. Chapman likes to chew his ear off every other minute.”</p><p>They reached the top of the stairs and walked into a corridor with white walls and white doors on either side. “This is the men’s quarters. The women are on the other side of that door,” He pointed to a white door at the end of the hallway, “But don’t bother trying to get there because that door is locked. Only Mrs. Williams is allowed to unlock it. And this is your room,” Luke unlocked a door and opened it wide for Grizz to step in.</p><p>It was a small room with white walls. There was a large wooden wardrobe that reached the ceiling up against one of the walls. A small round mirror stood on a table beside a wooden rocking chair. There were two single beds with folded sheets top of them. But because Grizz was a valet he wouldn’t have to share the room with anyone. There was a bedside table by each bed holding an unlit candle. </p><p>Good books, a nice bed and decent people? Yes, this would work out quite nicely.</p><hr/><p>The servants hall was alive with people as the lords and ladies dined upstairs. Elle was playing an upbeat tune on the piano, bringing the whole mood of the group significantly higher. </p><p>Helena was fixing a button on one of Lady Allie’s coats, vaguely paying attention to what Luke was saying as he flipped through a book. He had taken off his jacket and draped it over the seat. </p><p>It had been a long day at work today, as usual. Helena felt like she had barely any time to breathe these days. But these moments in the Servant Hall always seemed to ground her. It was nice to be around people she could get more comfortable with; people on her level.</p><p>She looked at the title on the page he was and mused out loud, “I never learned how to dance that.”<br/><br/>He raised his eyebrows, “Don’t you know the Grizzly Bear?”<br/><br/>She smiled at his exaggerated indignation and shook her head.</p><p>Lexie scoffed, “The Grizzly Bear…as if you do. That sounds more like Mr. Visser’s area.”</p><p>Grizz barely glanced up from where he was writing a letter, “Oh, do not involve me in this.” </p><p>Luke protested, “Of course, I do. I’ll show you. Elle, give us a tune.”</p><p>He stood up and offered Helena his hand. She stared at it for a moment, confused at what he was implying. His confidence started to waver but then Helena smiled, dropped the coat on the table and took his hand.</p><p>He brought her out a bit further, so they could have space to dance. “Hands up.” He raised his hands like paws and started to growl. Helena gave a laugh but copied his hand movement. He stepped forward to put his right hand right above his waist, his hands still like paws so only his thumb would touch her. His left one hovered by her shoulder.</p><p>Her hands came to rest at his neck as he led her back and forth. She couldn’t stop laughing and he was smiling down at her like this was something extraordinary. She could hear some people start to clap but she couldn’t take her eyes off of Luke’s.</p><p>The tune came to an end and they pulled apart. She curtsied for him, “Thank you, m’lord.”</p><p>He grinned and bowed down, “My pleasure, m’lady.”</p><hr/><p>It all happened so fast. Allie woke up and George Bingham was dead. She could barely even believe it. </p><p>Everyone came down to Downton for the funeral: Cassandra, Harry, The Eliot’s.</p><p>It was a beautiful day, with blue skies and no clouds in the sky. It felt horribly inappropriate for the sun to shine so brightly on a day like this. </p><p>Allie watched Harry the entire funeral. He was staring at his father’s coffin with a blank expression. Allie didn’t think he had spoken a word to anyone but his mother and sister since he got off the train. </p><p>She wanted to say something, but they hadn’t spoken since their fight a couple months ago. It seemed so pointless now with all of this.</p><p>She caught up to him when they were all leaving the church. She took his wrist and he stopped to face her. Allie’s heart broke at the emptiness in his eyes, “Harry, I’m so sorry.”</p><p>The words felt basic even to her own ears, but it was the truth. She <em> was </em> sorry.</p><p>He nodded lightly. His face was still blank, “I know.”</p><p>“Are you staying at Bingham House for now?” She asked.</p><p>“Um…no. Mother says she can’t stand being in the house right now, so we’ll be staying at Downton for a while.” He spoke slowly, as if it took a while for thoughts to properly process. It was so unlike his usual quick wit.</p><p>“Good. It’s important to be close to family during this time.”</p><p><em> “Family?” </em>He repeated in a flat tone.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>He stared at her. His words came out faster now and Allie was surprised at the anger behind them. “We’re not <em> family </em> , Allie, simply because we’re <em> distantly </em> related. And as far as I’m aware I haven’t married your sister yet, so <em> no </em>, we’re not family.”</p><p>He stalked away from her before she could respond. She deflated as she watched him leave. She knew he was grieving and that he needed to take his anger out on someone. Rationally, she knew that had nothing to do with her in specific. It didn’t make her feel any better.</p><hr/><p>The Eliots were also staying at Downton for a little while, and unfortunately, so was Campbell. Even though the castle was full of people, the energy was terribly morose. Dinners were quiet affairs with forced conversation. </p><p>Cassandra looked at herself in the mirror, fixing the jewelry over her chest. She hated black. But she was in full mourning, as were the rest of the Pressmans who would only return to colors by Christmas.</p><p>The Binghams had the worst of it of course. Karen, as a widow, was supposed to wear full mourning for two years. Harry and Elizabeth would be one year. </p><p>For men, full mourning was considerably easier; they simply wore their usual dark suits along with black gloves, hat bands and cravats. Women, on the other hand, would have to wear specific mourning dresses, hats and even jewelry. </p><p>Cassandra always hated the scratchy silk that was only ever used in mourning dresses. When her grandfather had passed away, the dresses almost gave her a rash. But it was custom and Cassandra was never much one for breaking the status quo, especially when it came to family affairs.</p><p>Cassandra sighed and walked over to where her letters lay open on her bedside table. She picked up the letter on top and read it again, even though she had read it three times. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Lady Cassandra, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I write to tell your ladyship that you mustn't worry, the clinic will be running smoothly even with your depart. I will personally make sure of that. Though, I have to admit the clinic hasn’t been the same without its patroness on the door next to mine. However, I didn’t want your ladyship to fret about this when you should be thinking about other things. I express my condolences once again, and am offering to help in any way I can in such a hard time. I hope we shall see each other soon. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Best wishes, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dr. Gordie Moreno </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cassandra loved how he always wrote his full name, including the ‘Dr.’, as if she would forget who he was. She felt extremely lucky to have found him to work with her in the clinic. He was everything she was looking for: A good doctor that was willing to work for free. </p><p>Over the past month they had developed a close friendship. He would go into her office between patients and they would banter about books they had read or politics. </p><p>Cassandra didn’t even know how much she enjoyed it until she spent her days without those conversations.</p><p>He was incredibly smart, which Cassandra always thought was the most appealing quality in anyone. He also was never condescending or treated her as a child like most men did to her. He made her feel <em> heard </em>. She missed that.</p><p>Cassandra set down the letter with a sigh. She really ought to be going down for dinner. She stood in front of the mirror one more time, giving her outfit one more look.</p><p>She met her own eyes in the mirror. What she saw was a young woman with fierce determination that wouldn’t let anyone stand in her way. She saw someone regal and poised. Someone who had the potential to be Prime Minister and help this flawed country and its beautiful people. </p><p>Cassandra looked away. She felt like a fraud. It seemed lately that all her ambitions and desires were nothing more than a pipe dream.</p><p>She really had to go down now. She barely made a couple steps out of her room when she heard someone call her name.</p><p>Harry was waiting for her, something he had never done before.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>She had to admit, he had seen better days. His eyes had dark circles and his usually perfect curls were flat, as if they’d given up their will to live.</p><p>He cleared his throat and lifted his chin. She had never seen him look so serious.There wasn’t a trace of humor in his face, “I believe it’s time we had a conversation about making our engagement official. We’re both of age and I see no point in wasting any more time.”</p><p>Cassandra was stunned into silence, a rare occurrence. “W-what?”</p><p>Harry looked like he was holding back a frustrated sigh and repeated, “I believe it’s time we made our engagement official.”</p><p><em> No. </em>That was the only word in Cassandra’s mind. She wasn’t ready. She thought she had more time. She had so much more she wanted to do before she got married. Her clinic had barely opened and that was only the beginning. </p><p>Harry had made no inclination he was ready to give up his bachelor lifestyle either. </p><p>
  <em> She thought she had more time. </em>
</p><p>“Harry…” She tried to find the proper words but her vast vocabulary was failing her, “Your father passed away only a week ago.” </p><p>“And your point is?” </p><p>Cassandra was even more shocked. He couldn’t possibly think this was the right time for this, could he? “My point is…it’s not the proper moment to be discussing such issues.”</p><p>“I think you’re wrong. I think it is the perfect time to talk about this,” He seemed so sure of this. Cassandra had never seen him treat their hypothetical betrothal with anything short of disdain. “I’m officially next in line now, and my father wanted to see us married. I wish to respect his wishes.”</p><p>“Harry…can I have some time to think on it?” Cassandra asked carefully. Her mind was in complete disarray. She needed more time before making this decision. She needed months, years, decades, lifetimes.<em> She wasn’t ready. </em></p><p>He bowed his head, “Of course. May I escort you to dinner then?”</p><p>He offered her his arm and Cassandra eyed it for a moment before taking it, “Of course.”</p><p>Everyone stared as they walked into the Drawing Room. Cassandra and Harry arm-in-arm was an impossible sight.</p><p>She could only bear to meet one person’s eyes: Allie’s. They shared a glance, and in that glance they shared many thoughts and feelings that coursed through both the sisters’ heads. </p><p>Confusion. Understanding. <em> Despair </em>.</p><p>Cassandra looked away. She couldn’t let their shared desperation consume her. She was already teetering over the edge of insanity.</p><p>She let go of Harry’s arm and took a seat on a chair. She stared into the distance and made no conversation with anyone. She had too many thoughts running through her head to be polite.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> August 20th 1913 </em>
</p><p>“It’s your birthday today.”<br/><br/>Allie didn’t look up from her book, “I’m aware of that, thank you.”</p><p>“I meant…” Harry continued, “It’s your birthday, and no matter what had happened between us, we were never not talking during your birthday.”</p><p>“There’s a first for everything,” Allie snapped back. She should probably be nicer to him. His father had passed away three weeks ago, but she couldn’t find it in her to be polite. Not today. </p><p>He had treated her terribly the past couple weeks, despite her many attempts at trying to comfort him. She wasn’t going to get her head bit off on her eighteenth birthday.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Allie. For how I treated you in London, and for how I’ve treated you these past couple weeks.” This got her to look up at him. </p><p>It was cloudy and chilly today especially out here on the grounds. The wind was strong as they sat in the middle of a field, with nothing but grass for miles. The sun still managed to cast a light over Harry’s face, bringing out the weariness in his features even further. He looked like he’d aged three years in three weeks. </p><p>“I’m simply…tired of fighting with you.” He said and Allie recognized the honesty in his tone, “My father died and I…can’t go through this without you.”</p><p>Allie stared at him and eventually let her frostiness melt. “I’m tired of fighting with you too.” </p><p>He smiled at her for a moment before turning to look out into the distance, “I’m sorry your party had to get canceled.”</p><p><em> “Please</em>,” Allie scoffed, “Do you find me so fickle to believe that I would be upset about my party being canceled at a time like this?”</p><p>He glanced at her before looking out again, “No.”</p><p>Allie swept her eyes over his profile, trying to gather the courage to ask the question she’d been contemplating for the past week, “Did you ask Cassandra to marry you?”<br/><br/>She searched his face for any visible changes but she couldn’t see any. His mask remained perfectly in place.</p><p>“Define ask.”</p><p>
  <em> “Harry.” </em>
</p><p>He sighed, “I simply asked her if it was time we considered making it official. Once and for all.”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s a good idea to make serious decisions at a time like this.”</p><p><em> “Decisions?” </em> He repeated, “Allie, this was decided for us a long time ago. I’m simply making good on that decision.”</p><p>Allie couldn’t help herself. She <em>needed </em>to ask. She <em>needed </em>to know, or she would go out of her mind thinking about it. “But…do you even want to?”</p><p>His jaw tightened, “It isn’t about what <em> I </em> want.”</p><p>Allie didn’t know what to say. She could accept his decision and make him feel better. Or she could tell him her honest truth.</p><p>She was never good at keeping her mouth shut.</p><p>“I think you’re wrong. It’s <em> your </em> life, Harry.”</p><p>He shook his head, “It doesn’t matter. It’s what my father wanted.”</p><p>Allie broke, <em> “Harry–” </em></p><p>“I’m done talking about this,” He said, with a finality she didn’t want to question. He cleared his throat and his face softened, “I have something for you.”</p><p>Allie raised her eyebrows, “You do?”<br/><br/>“Don’t get too excited, it isn’t anything too special.” He pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to Allie.</p><p>She raised an eyebrow, “A key?”</p><p>“A key to the old greenhouse. I got it from Pfeiffer,” He explained, “You like broken things? I thought you’d like a shot at fixing it up. Maybe you could even hold flowers year-round.”</p><p>Allie held the key with newfound care. Nothing too special? This was <em>everything</em>. It was a purpose, a small one, but still a purpose.</p><p>She grinned at him, “Thank you, Harry.”</p><p>He shrugged as if it was nothing, “It’s more of a gift to me as well. I’m going to thoroughly enjoy watching you attempt to bring that rusty old thing back to life.”</p><p>‘Rusty old thing’ was putting it nicely. The greenhouse was practically rubble. The roof was broken and Allie had to watch her step so she wouldn’t ruin her shoes on the glass. All the surfaces were covered with grime and it had a strong stench of something damp and rotten.</p><p>Allie turned to Harry who was grinning at her by the entrance. “So? What do you think?”</p><p>She looked around the mess and laughed, “I think it’s the best gift I’ve ever received.”</p><hr/><p>“But I thought they were already engaged,” Elle said as she fluffed the pillow. </p><p>She and Helena were cleaning the Library. They had to speed up a bit as Helena was due to wake up Lady Allie in 30 minutes.</p><p>“They weren’t, not…” Helena stopped talking to sneeze. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand and kept working, “Not officially. It was a casual agreement, like a suggestion.”</p><p>“But an engagement! Isn’t that a good thing?” Elle asked. </p><p>“Yes, it is.”</p><p>“Then why don’t you sound more excited?”</p><p>Helena stopped what she was doing and made sure no one was around to listen. She lowered her voice to a whisper, “I always thought it was Lady Allie who was keen on him.”</p><p>Elle raised an eyebrow, about to respond, when Helena sneezed again. </p><p>“Are you feeling alright?”</p><p>Helena responded with another sneeze. </p><p>“You should go rest,” Elle suggested.</p><p>“I’m alright,” Helena insisted and went back to work.</p><p>Mrs. Williams walked in and Elle jumped slightly before relaxing, “Mrs. Williams, Helena isn’t feeling too well.”</p><p>Mrs. Williams looked her up and down with furrowed eyebrows, “Yes, yes. You’re not looking too good either.”</p><p>“I’m fine-” Helena said before sneezing again. </p><p>Mrs. Williams smirked and raised an eyebrow, “Ah, yes. I can see that. How many rooms do you have left?”</p><p>“Only one,” Elle responded.</p><p>“Good. Will you take care of that, Elle? And Helena, go rest. You’re not doing yourself any favors by working yourself hard.”</p><p>Helena sighed, knowing it was no use to protest further. “Yes, Mrs. Williams.”</p><hr/><p>“Good morning, m’lady.”</p><p>Allie buried her face into her pillow with a groan as light flooded into the room. </p><p>She squinted at the woman who had opened her curtains and was surprised it wasn’t Helena as usual. This maid was blonde, Elle was her name Allie recalled.</p><p>“Where’s Helena?” Allie asked with a yawn. </p><p>“She isn’t feeling too well, m’lady. Mrs. Williams sent her to bed to rest.”</p><p>“Oh, alright.” Allie sat up on her bed and rubbed her eyes. “If you see her tell her I hope she feels better.”</p><p>Elle smiled, “Of course, m’lady.”</p><p>Allie didn’t want to waste any time in getting started on the greenhouse.</p><p>She managed to get a local contractor to come in and check the building out. He confirmed her biggest fears. The structure was practically shot, and the roof had to be completely replaced. </p><p>He estimated about two years before it was completely finished and an amount that raised Allie’s eyebrows. But it was no problem. She could use her allowance which her father gave her to spend on dresses and other luxuries. Allie had no need for more dresses.</p><p>She spent almost the entire day in the greenhouse cleaning up rubble and glass. Cassandra came over to visit and raised an eyebrow, “Can’t someone else do this?”</p><p>“Yes,” She answered honestly and swept the broom across the floor. “But I don’t mind. It’s almost like meditation.”</p><p>Cassandra looked at her like she was crazy. </p><p>Allie used the excuse of moving rubble to avoid meeting Cassandra’s eyes as she spoke, “Have you given Harry his answer yet?”</p><p>Cassandra didn’t speak for a second but to Allie felt like an eternity, “Not yet.”</p><p>“Well…have you given it any more thought?” </p><p>Cassandra scoffed, “<em>Please</em>, like I could hardly think of anything else at the moment.”</p><p>“When do you have to answer?”</p><p>“He said I could take my time, and that’s what I plan on doing. I’m still…unsure whether it’s the right thing.”</p><p>Allie felt something spark inside her. Something she couldn’t quite name. “Really?”</p><p>“Yes, really. But then I think about my duty, and everything people expect me to do, and I feel like I’m right back to where I first started.”</p><p>Allie straightened and finally faced her sister. Cassandra was looking awfully small with her shoulders curved in. Cassandra was <em>never </em>small.</p><p>“You’re not betraying anyone by being selfish just this once,” Allie said.</p><p>Cassandra stared right back, “I’m not quite so sure about that.”</p><p>Allie blinked and Cassandra’s sadness seemed to have disappeared. Her sister smiled, “Well, I should be going up to London in a couple of weeks to help with the clinic. I’ll have plenty of time to think clearly then.”</p><p>Allie bit her lip and resumed her work, “If you say so.”</p><hr/><p>“Psst. Helena.”</p><p>Helena frowned and pulled off her sheets. She opened the door tentatively. She didn’t want to greet just anyone in her state of undress.</p><p>She could see a big figure through the blurred glass around the white door-the door that split the women’s quarters from the men’s.</p><p>“Luke?” She asked.</p><p>“Yes, it’s me. Open the door. I have something for you.”</p><p>“I can’t,” Helena said, eyeing the key to the door’s left. “Only Mrs. Williams is allowed to turn the key.”</p><p>“Come on, do it quickly. No one will know.”</p><p>Helena bit her lip. She knew how much trouble she could get in for this, but her curiosity got the best of her. </p><p>She took the key and opened the door. </p><p>Luke was holding a large tray filled with food. There was even a small flower by the silverware. He smiled, “I thought you would like some dinner since you weren’t able to come down.”</p><p>Helena grinned and took the tray for him. She was starving. She stared at him straight in the eye, “Thank you, Luke.”</p><p>He smiled and nodded once, “My pleasure.”</p><p>They stared at each other for a couple more moments before a noise over Luke’s shoulder spurred them awake. “I should go. Feel better.”</p><p>“Thank you,” She said.</p><p>He pulled the door closed for her and she set down the tray to be able to lock it back. Helena sat in her bed and picked up the flower from the tray. She twirled it around her fingers for a couple of moments before reaching over and placing it in between the pages of her diary.</p><p>She ate her dinner with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> May 1914 </em>
</p><p>Alright, so maybe, Grizz had a secret fancy. And <em>maybe</em>, the person he fancied was also his boss.</p><p>He simply couldn’t help it. Lord Sam was extremely handsome and would talk to him about books and was always so kind. Grizz had been awkward and made some mistakes in the first couple weeks at his job and Lord Sam had never gotten angry over them. He would simply smile and help him do better next time.</p><p>Grizz was more than accustomed to keeping his feelings to himself. He was a man and he liked men, that was something he had never shared and probably would never share with anyone.</p><p>But this was starting to be a problem.</p><p>Because he spent every day with Lord Sam, helping him get dressed and <em>undressed. </em>He even helped him bathe. But at those times, Grizz managed to keep himself professional and compartmentalize his job and whatever feelings he had for him.</p><p>However, the one time during the day where Grizz’s feelings would take over was when he would tie his bowtie before dinner. They would be too close, and Grizz would look down at him from above. It was too tempting to close the gap and kiss him. </p><p>But that would get him fired and maybe even thrown in jail. It wasn’t worth it.</p><p>Today, Lord Sam was asking about a recent book Grizz had read while they got him ready for dinner. “I must admit I’ve never read <em> Walden </em>.”</p><p>Grizz was still learning BSL, so most of the time Lord Sam would speak out loud. Grizz didn’t mind; he loved the sound of his voice. </p><p>“I’m quite liking it so far, m’lord,” Grizz said, making sure Lord Sam could see his lips. “It makes me want to go out and explore nature myself.”</p><p>Now, came the worst and best time of Grizz’s day. He walked over and stood close to him. He looped the tie around Lord Sam’s neck.</p><p>“Do you enjoy it? Nature, I mean.” Sam asked.</p><p>His kind smile was about to give Grizz a small heart attack.</p><p>“I do. Though I haven’t spent as much time in it as I would like.”</p><p>Lord Sam nodded and Grizz stopped his movements for a second. Maybe he wasn’t reading into things. Maybe he actually liked him.</p><p>But reality soon took over and Grizz finished the tie. He took a step back and he felt like he could breathe again. He turned to the table to grab his cufflinks and mentally cursed himself. That had been close. <em> Too </em>close.</p><hr/><p>“Last June saw Emily Davison crushed to death beneath the hooves of the king’s horse!” The man preached from above. He was at the top of the circular square, with weathered stone walls covering him and the public in a shadow.</p><p>The crowd around Allie booed but she paid them no mind. She wasn’t in Ripon for <em>them</em>. </p><p>“Will the summer of 1914 prove as fatal for the hopes of women?” The man continued, “It cannot! This historic by-election can be the first step of the journey to women’s equality.”</p><p>Allie smiled as a couple of people around her cheered, but the hollers of displeasure were far greater.</p><p>“If you’re so keen on women then why don’t you let a woman speak?” A woman somewhere to Allie’s right yelled. </p><p>Allie nodded in agreement. She had always urged Cassandra to go into politics, but she always claimed there was no hope for her.</p><p>“Women…” The speaker started but stopped as someone threw stones at him, “Women—”</p><p>“I think it’s better if we go now, m’lady,” Shoe said from her right.</p><p>“Not yet,” She insisted. She wanted to hear the end of the candidate’s speech. </p><p>Harry popped up next to her and lay a hand on her shoulder, “Allie, we have to go now. Your father wouldn’t like it if anything happened to you,” Allie was about to protest when he continued, “It might cost Shoe his job.”</p><p>Allie bit her lip and looked up at the speaker again. Things were changing, and this was her very first by-election, she wanted to stay. But Harry was right, this wasn’t worth risking Shoe’s job.</p><p>“Alright,” she said.</p><p>They made their way out of the crowd tentatively. People shouted in Allie’s ears left and right.</p><p>Shoe pulled the motor around, and soon enough Harry and Allie were on their way back.</p><p>“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how impressed I was that you went to Emily Davison’s procession,” Harry said over the loud noise of the motor. “I must confess that even though I was angry with you I smiled when I saw the article in the paper. It was very brave.”</p><p>Allie smiled and looked out the window, “I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Maybe the best thing I will ever do.”</p><p>Harry shook his head, “I don’t believe that for a second. You’re destined to do great things. Soon enough you’ll be leaving us all behind to save the world.”</p><p>She felt dread at the bottom of her stomach. She couldn’t imagine leaving Downton—or <em> them— </em>for a second. She couldn’t really understand why. </p><p>She changed the subject, “They’ll have to give women the vote, won’t they? It’s inevitable.”</p><p>He shrugged, “Politicians can’t often recognize the changes that are inevitable.”</p><p>She chanced a glance at him before looking out the window again. It always surprised her how much he’d matured these past months. </p><p>Harry had chosen to stay in Downton to learn the ways of the estate from her father. He said it was the right thing to do now that he was officially next in line. </p><p>Mostly everyone seemed to be gone recently. The Eliots went back to London, leaving only Sam behind. But even he seemed to be less present than usual. Allie had given him a typewriter for Christmas and he’d practically all but shut himself in his office working on his novel. Campbell came down from London every once in a while, but those visits never seemed to come with anything good. </p><p>Cassandra spent most of her time in London tending to the clinic. She would come back to Downton every month or so, and every time Harry would ask her if she was ready to make their betrothal official. She had yet to give him a solid answer. </p><p>Allie had once again been surprised at Harry’s patience. The old him would’ve never conceded to all these months of waiting. </p><p>A part of Allie wished Cassandra would just give him an answer. Maybe that would put them all out of this misery of not knowing.</p><p>Allie tried to clear her mind by changing the subject, “Are you excited for your birthday?”</p><p>His birthday was May 14th, almost a week away. All the Eliots and Cassandra were coming down to celebrate it. </p><p>Harry simply shrugged, “I mean, the celebration will be limited because I’m technically still in mourning so…”</p><p>“So we’ll make our own celebration,” She finished for him. “It’ll be fun. Trust me.”</p><p>He grinned at her and shook his lightly, “It’s not like I have a choice, do I?”</p><hr/><p>“Any more news of the by-election?” James asked as he slipped his dinner jacket on. “Harry was here earlier and said that he went to the Liberal rally in Ripon.”</p><p>“I heard it was quite lively,” Jason fixed the jacket over James’ shoulder, “The Liberals were given a hard hand today. Mr. Shoe said it was getting out of hand when they left.”</p><p>“Who went with him?”</p><p>“Er…” Jason hesitated, “I’m not sure anyone went with him, m’lord.”</p><p>“You just said ‘they’ who was with him?” James insisted, sensing something was wrong.</p><p>Jason looked like he was in great pain at the whole situation, “I’d rather not say.”</p><p>“Alvarado, who was with him?”</p><p>He sighed lightly, “Lady Allie.”</p><p>James' face shifted and he turned back around sharply. He thought that after what happened last year, Allie would know better. Obviously, he had been wrong.</p><hr/><p>“I gather you went to hear the Liberal candidate today,” James said as he cut his meat.</p><p>Allie took a sip of her wine to stall for time. She should’ve known he would’ve found out somehow.</p><p>“There were several speakers actually,” she spoke carefully, “He was the last.”</p><p>“I see.<em> ” </em></p><p>Allie grew nervous at her father’s lack of words. She didn’t want him to grow angry with her like he did the last time she had done something as bold as this.</p><p>“I want to do some canvassing,” she might as well get it all out in the open, “The by-election isn’t far off.”</p><p>“Canvassing?” Violet repeated. </p><p>“It’s quite safe, Granny,” Allie assured her, "You go in a group and you knock on doors.”</p><p>“Yes, I know what canvassing is.” Violet’s disapproval was obvious.</p><p>“I think that Allie is—” Harry started. </p><p>“What has gone into your head, Alexandra?”</p><p>“I was only going to say that Allie is entitled to her own opinions,” Harry finished.</p><p>“No, she isn’t until she is married. Then her husband will tell her what her opinions are.”</p><p>“Oh, Granny,” Allie admonished. She loved her grandmother but sometimes her views were extremely outdated.</p><p>Luckily for Allie, Elizabeth jumped in and quickly changed the subject. Allie mouthed a <em> thank you </em>and she winked.</p><hr/><p>“It’s something I’ve been working on, and I’d like you to read it and tell me what you think,” Lord Sam turned to offer Grizz a stack of pages. </p><p>Grizz took them curiously and read the words in the middle of the first page. </p><p>
  <em> Colourless </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A novel by S. Eliot </em>
</p><p>His eyes widened, “You want <em> me </em>to read this, m’ lord?”</p><p>Lord Sam nodded, “Yes, I thought you’d make a good critic with all your expertise. I hope you’ll give me some helpful feedback. But be kind, you’re the first one besides me who will have read it. I haven’t even let Allie see it yet.”</p><p>“Are you sure you want to trust me with this, m’ lord?” Grizz said. With the novel in his hand, he couldn’t sign, but he spoke slowly enough that Lord Sam could read his lips.</p><p>“I am,” Lord Sam said with a smile.</p><p>He couldn’t believe he was giving him a copy of his <em>novel. </em>This was personal. This was something precious. This was something to be cherished.</p><p>“Thank you, m’lord. Do you mind if I write notes along the margins?”</p><p>“Of course not! Feel free to write whatever comment you desire.”</p><p>“I’ll read it as soon as I can.”</p><p>“There’s no rush, really.”</p><p>But Grizz paid him no mind. He devoured the book as soon as he got to his room. He had to admit, Lord Sam was a better writer than he thought. </p><p>The novel was about a young boy who was born without the ability to see colour. Everyone around him tries to explain to him what the colors are and explain their beauty, but he simply can’t properly grasp it. That is until another boy becomes friends with him, and he finally manages to bring <em>feelings </em>into them. It was very melancholic but extremely poetic, Grizz was completely entranced. </p><p>But Grizz had no idea how he was going to talk to Lord Sam about it. He had told him to be critical but Grizz wasn’t sure where the line was. </p><p>That’s why the next day when Lord Sam asked him about the book, Grizz felt a little awkward, “I’ve actually finished it, m’lord.”</p><p>Lord Sam’s eyebrows raised, “Heavens. How did you manage that?”</p><p>“I stayed up the night to finish it,” Grizz smiled, “I admit I used up almost all of my candles.”</p><p>“Well, what do you think?” He asked eagerly. “And don’t even think about flattering me simply because I’m your boss. I want your honest opinion.”</p><p>“Alright…well, my honest opinion is that I found it extremely good, m’lord.”</p><p>Lord Sam’s face fell, “I told you I didn’t want flattery.”</p><p>“No, no, I promise I’m not lying,” Grizz was quick to add. “The sadness of the little boy throughout the book conveyed through metaphors as well as the little actions, it was perfect. It showed how big things as well as little things serve as a reminder of how someone is different.”</p><p>Lord Sam’s face softened. His lips quirked up slightly, “Exactly. That’s what I was hoping to convey.”</p><p>Grizz hesitated, “May I ask something, m’ lord?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Was the little boy in the book…was it a metaphor for you not being able to hear?”</p><p>Grizz half-expected Lord Sam to get angry with him about how inappropriate the question was. But his face only grew sad, and he took a seat on his own bed, “Was it that obvious?”</p><p>“Only because I am so closely acquainted to you, m’lord. But that personal experience was what made the book so good. It felt <em> real </em> .<em>”</em></p><p>Lord Sam stared at him for a long time and Grizz was scared that he’d said something wrong. But then he smiled, “Thank you. Your opinion has once again proved invaluable.”</p><p>The sparkle in Lord Sam’s eyes was making something come alive in the bottom of Grizz’s stomach.</p><p>Grizz bowed his head, “Thank you, m’lord.”</p><hr/><p>Allie was walking back to her room to clean up for dinner when she passed by a maid who jumped at the sight of her. Elle was her name, she remembered.</p><p>It was the third time she had done that. Allie was starting to get offended. </p><p>Was she particularly scary? She hoped not. </p><p>But no, it didn’t seem like that. Whenever Elle would see it was Allie she would look relieved. Was there someone else in this household she was afraid of? It didn’t take long for Allie to come up with a name.</p><p>She kept a close eye on Campbell throughout dinner. He didn’t seem to be acting any more cruel than usual. Maybe she was simply making something out of nothing. But on the off-chance that she was not, she couldn’t stand by and let it happen.</p><p>She decided to ask Helena about it when she was helping her get ready for bed.</p><p>“Helena, I wanted to ask…” She met Helena’s eyes in the mirror. She was braiding Allie’s hair down her back. “It’s just I’ve noticed something different with one of the maids, Elle. I was wondering if there was anything I should know about?”</p><p>She knew she was putting Helena in an awkward position. But she had to do this. What if Campbell was doing something to that poor maid?</p><p>Helena shook her head lightly, “I can’t think of anything in particular, m’lady.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t ask unless I thought it was a matter of safety,” Allie explained, “I was simply wondering, that’s all.”</p><p>“I’ll look into it, m’lady.”</p><p>Allie smiled in thanks.</p><hr/><p>Cassandra came home five days before Harry’s birthday. Everyone was out on the gravel to meet her. </p><p>She stepped out of the motor with a smile and was as stylish as always in a slanted hat and a blue dress.</p><p>Allie grinned as she pulled her into a hug, “I’m so glad you’re finally home. I feel like you spend almost all your time in London nowadays, but soon enough we’ll all be joining you for the Season.”</p><p>Something in Cassandra’s face shifted, “Oh, yes. I’d completely forgotten.”</p><p>Allie frowned slightly but didn’t have a chance to respond as Cassandra turned to greet Harry. She offered her his hand and he took it; they never hugged. </p><p>“Good to see you again, Harry.”</p><p>“You too, Cassandra.”</p><p>There was always something stiff about the way they addressed each other. It seemed to get even worse recently. It’s like every day that passed without Cassandra giving Harry an answer the air between them would grow thicker. </p><p>“Well, I should go get cleaned up,” Cassandra said as she took her hand from Harry’s grasp. </p><p>Allie watched as Cassandra disappeared inside. Harry didn’t say a word. </p><hr/><p>“I don’t understand why it’s taking so long,” Amanda ranted in between sips of her tea, “She’s not getting any younger.”</p><p>“Give her time, my dear,” Violet said, “It’s better to wait for the right answer than rush for the wrong answer.”</p><p>Amanda sighed. Of course, Violet was right. She always enjoyed these afternoon tea sessions with her mother-in-law. The older woman would always provide good (although sometimes outdated) advice. </p><p>“But the problem is Harry,” Amanda continued, “I don’t know how much longer he can wait and I’m surprised he’s waited this long.”</p><p>Violet nodded in agreement. “Amanda…have you ever wondered if <em> this match </em>was truly the right fit?”</p><p>Amanda frowned, “Whatever do you mean?”</p><p>The old lady shook her head, “Nothing, <em> nothing. </em>”</p><p>The look on Violet’s face told her this was not nothing. Amanda chose not to pry and drink her tea in silence instead. </p><hr/><p>Helena rubbed her eyes as she made her way up the stairs to her room. She wished just once, to be able to go to bed without feeling completely exhausted. </p><p>At these times, she always remembered Psalm 128:2. “You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you."</p><p>Her hard work will be truly valued someday by her Lord and savior.</p><p>She yawned and opened the door. Elle was on her bed reading a letter. She jumped and hid the letter when Helena walked in. </p><p>Helena frowned, “What ever’s the matter with you?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Elle quickly slipped under her covers. </p><p>Helena caught something on Elle’s arm and gasped. There was a large bruise around her forearm.</p><p>“What happened, Elle?” she spoke in a whisper, “Has someone been hurting you?”</p><p>Elle looked on the brink of tears and she brought her blankets further up her body, “No. I slipped and hurt myself, that’s all.”</p><p>Helena tilted her head, “<em> Elle…” </em></p><p>“It’s none of your business,” Elle snapped before turning her back to Helena. </p><p>Helena blinked in shock. Elle was never this rude with anyone. There was definitely something going on with her. Maybe Lady Allie had been right. </p><hr/><p>Helena finished getting Lady Allie ready for the day and moved towards the door. She hesitated.</p><p>“M’lady?”</p><p>Lady Allie looked over her shoulder from where she was sitting on her vanity to face Helena, “Yes?”</p><p>Helena bit her lip. She was about to cross a line she had never crossed before. But then she remembered Proverbs 3:27. <em> Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due when it is in your power to act. </em> </p><p>She <em>needed </em>to act.</p><p>“It’s about Elle.”</p><p>Lady Allie straightened up immediately, “What is it?”</p><p>“Well…I’m not sure of anything and I <em> really </em>wouldn’t be doing this unless I was concerned as well, but… I saw a bruise on her arm. She said she tripped and hit it on something but…I think she’s lying.”</p><p>Lady Allie nodded, “Thank you for telling me this.”</p><p>Helena nodded and slipped out of the room without another word. She still wasn’t sure she had done the right thing, but it was better than being silent.</p><hr/><p>“Elle, do you have a moment?”</p><p>The maid looked up in alarm as Allie stood over her. Allie knew that Elle couldn’t just as well say no. Allie was a lady and technically her boss.</p><p>“I- Of course, m’lady,” she dropped the bucket in her hand.</p><p>“Follow me.”</p><p>Allie led her into her room. She wanted to have this conversation in private. She didn’t want Elle to feel unsafe when she asked this and unfortunately this was the best she could do.</p><p>She held her hands behind her back and bit her lip, “First of all, I wanted to make it clear that you’re not in any sort of trouble.”</p><p>Elle looked slightly relieved, but not nearly enough. </p><p>“I’ve simply noticed some unusual behavior recently, and I wanted to come to you and ask if there’s anything you wanted to share.”</p><p>Elle blanched and shook her head, “There’s nothing, m’lady.”</p><p>“Are you sure? I promise I won’t tell anyone,” she gave her best reassuring smile, “I merely want to help.”</p><p>Elle’s eyes turned wide and glassy, “I-I…” </p><p>She burst into tears and Allie quickly rushed to her, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”</p><p>Elle shook her head avidly, tears still streaming down her cheeks, “It-it’s n-not you, m-m’lady. I-I-I d-don’t know w-what’s the m-matter with m-me.”</p><p>“Shhhhhh, it’s alright,” Allie led her to sit down on her bed. She reached over to grab her a glass of water and Elle took it.  </p><p>“I-I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>“Is it…does this have anything to do with Campbell?”</p><p>Elle’s widened and she let out a sob. That was more than an answer for Allie, and she pulled Elle against her. She let her sob against her shoulder and brushed her back as she thought of what she could do next.</p><p>“I’m going to get you away from him, understand? I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesn’t lay a hand on you again.”</p><p>Elle hiccuped and straightened to swipe at her face, “T-Thank you, m’ lady.”</p><p>Allie squeezed her hand one last time and stood up to go over to her desk. “I’ll need to send a letter. I’ll write it quickly and you can take it down immediately. We need it to get there fast.”</p><p>She dipped her pen and scribbled the address.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Becca, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I write to you in a matter of most concern…  </em>
</p><hr/><p>The letter had been sent a couple of days ago and Allie felt like every day that passed by without a reply was a failure. She couldn’t do anything without Becca’s reply, and she felt absolutely helpless. Every day that passed was another day that Campbell could torture her.</p><p>Allie was giving the greenhouse a closer look to distract her. The greenhouse had progressed quite nicely over the past couple of months. The roof was nearly completely replaced, and pieces of the old one lay in shards at the corners. </p><p>She was trying to clean it up a little more for Harry’s big birthday surprise tonight. She was planning on taking him here after his birthday dinner and showing him the progress. She even asked Pfeiffer for a bottle of wine.</p><p>She was examining one of the corners when someone paid her a visit. </p><p>“I don’t see why you even bother. This place is hopeless.”</p><p>Allie didn’t turn around to face him, “Can I help you, Campbell?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t dream of asking. It seems that every time you try to help something or <em> someone, </em> they get out of it in an even bigger mess than they were to begin with.”</p><p>Allie froze. He couldn’t know, could he? She finally turned to face him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Campbell grinned and bent to the ground to grab a big shard of glass. He passed it lightly from hand to hand, his gloves protecting them from getting cut.</p><p>“I mean, cousin…that maybe everyone would be a whole lot better off if you stopped meddling in places you don’t belong.”</p><p>She stared him straight in the eye. There was no doubt now that he knew she had caught on to what he was doing with Elle, “Maybe I wouldn’t have to meddle if people didn’t disappoint me. But you’d never disappoint me, would you?” She smirked, “That would require me expecting any good behavior in the first place.”</p><p>He snarled and stepped forward to grab her wrist and pin her hand to an abandoned table. Allie cried out as chunks of glass embedded themselves into her skin. </p><p>He pushed the shard of glass against the palm of her left hand until it tore open. Allie held back a scream. Tears made her vision go blurry. She could see his own blood seeping out of his glove but he didn’t seem to care.</p><p>“You’ve always seen these workers as our equals but they’re not.” Allie tried to pull his hand away with her other hand but he wouldn’t budge. He only seemed to inch closer, his face now an inch away from hers. “We pay them. They <em>belong </em>to us. We can do with them whatever we like.”</p><p>Allie spit on his face in response. </p><p>He twisted the glass slightly and Allie couldn’t hold back a scream anymore. Campbell’s lips twisted up in pleasure at her cries. </p><p>“Keep meddling and you lose your hand.”</p><p>He pulled the shard from her hand and Allie rushed to cover the spilling blood with her sleeve. </p><p>Campbell left her to deal with her wound without another word. </p><p>She tried to sneak in through the back, cradling her hand against her body to try and stop a trail of blood. Unfortunately, sneaking about in Downton proved impossible and she ran into Luke a few minutes in.</p><p>“M’lady, is everything alright?”</p><p>He froze as he caught sight of the bloodstain on her stomach, where she was holding her hand. He surged forward to grab her shoulders, “M’lady, we must call for help right now. I’ll help you to your room.”</p><p>Allie let him lead her up the servant’s passages and leaned on him for support. When she finally reached her bed and he moved to leave she grabbed his wrist with her good hand. “Don’t tell my parents or Pfeiffer or even Cassandra. They’ll just make a big fuss when there’s no need. Fetch Sam or Harry.”</p><p>Luke seemed hesitant and she understood his concern. It was wrong to keep this from her parents but it must be done. If Campbell found out she had told people about this who knew how he would take it out on Elle?</p><p>Sam and Harry wouldn’t ask too many questions. She needed someone who wouldn’t ask questions.</p><p>Luke eventually nodded, “I’ll be right back, m’lady.”</p><p>Allie closed her eyes and leaned back against her pillows. Her hand was throbbing and she could feel it up on the back of her head. All she could think about was Elle. If Campbell had been willing to do this to his own cousin then what was he doing to that poor girl?</p><p>She felt so tired. She could feel herself drift off but couldn’t bring herself to do anything about it. </p><hr/><p>“Be careful, Luke!” Helena said as she moved out of the way. He had almost run into her. </p><p>She stopped any further reprimands when she saw his face. He was as pale as a sheet, “What happened?”</p><p>“It’s Lady Allie. She’s hurt but she won’t let me tell anyone but Lord Sam and Mr. Bingham. She’s in her room resting.”</p><p>Helena’s face fell. Lady Allie was hurt? She had to help her. </p><p>“Have you found them?”</p><p>He shook his head, “I was on my way to Lord Sam right now.”</p><p>“Alright, I’ll go find Mr. Bingham.”</p><p>She started to move away when he grabbed her arm, “Helena, be discreet. She was very insistent.”</p><p>Helena nodded and continued up the stairs. She thought she heard Mr. Bingham was headed out for a ride. She walked towards the stables as fast as she could without spreading alarm. </p><p>A couple of stable boys raised a couple of eyebrows, probably wondering what a maid was doing out here, but she paid them no mind.</p><p>She found him feeding an apple to his mare, Eros. </p><p>“Pardon me, sir.”</p><p>He looked up with raised eyebrows. Alarm quickly seeped into his features as he realized what type of situations would have a maid hunting him down. He straightened up. “Yes?”</p><p>Helena looked around to make sure no one could hear her before telling him, “It’s Lady Allie. She’s been injured.”</p><p>It seemed she didn’t have to say anymore. He brushed past her in a jog and she rushed after him. Well, so much for trying to be discreet. </p><p>He didn’t even bother taking his riding boots off as he ran inside. Somewhere in the back of Helena’s mind, she realized that she would be the one to clean this mess later.</p><p>He seemed to figure out she was in her room and ran up the stairs. They reached her room and he all but pulled the door off its hinges to get inside. </p><p>Helena froze when she saw her. Lady Allie was sprawled on the bed with a pool of blood around her left hand. Her dress was stained with blood and with her eyes closed, she almost looked dead. </p><p>She heard Mr. Bingham hold in a breath beside her, and she was acutely aware that he was still in mourning over his own father. She couldn’t imagine what the sight before him was doing to his head. </p><p>He rushed forward to sit on the bed. A hand came to rest on her forehead, “Allie? Allie, wake up.”</p><p>Helena swore she never heard him speak so softly before. His hand moved to cup her cheek, moving her face slightly, “Allie?”</p><p>She groaned slightly and his features relaxed with relief. Helena let out a long breath. </p><p>He looked down to her left hand and his fingers came to graze her wrist lightly. Mr. Bingham turned to look at Helena and she could see his despair had been replaced with fury, “What happened?”</p><p>She felt just as helpless as he did. “I don’t know. Luke was the one who told me. He’s fetching Lord Sam at the moment.”</p><p>As if summoned, Lord Sam came bursting from the door. His eyes widened as he saw Allie on the bed. </p><p>“She’s alive,” Mr. Bingham signed to him which Helena wouldn’t understand if he hadn’t said it out loud as well.</p><p>Lord Sam nodded numbly before coming up to Lady Allie’s other side. He turned up to Luke and Helena, “Fetch Mr. Visser. He’s trained as a medic and he can tell us if we have to fetch the doctor.”</p><p>Helena nodded and left without another word. She couldn’t stay in that room any longer. It was suffocating. </p><p>She found Grizz on her way down the stairs, “Come quickly! Lady Allie is hurt.”</p><p>His eyebrows furrowed in confusion but he followed her up the stairs without any further questions. Helena could hear their voices before she even opened the door.</p><p>“But we have to tell them, Sam.”</p><p>“We can’t. If she told Luke she didn’t want to then there must be a good reason why.”</p><p>Helena opened the door and let Grizz in, following close behind. Mr. Bingham and Lord Sam were still sitting on either side of Lady Allie who was still passed out. Luke was standing to the side looking uncomfortable and out of place with his hands behind his back.</p><p>Grizz nodded, “May I?”</p><p>“Of course,” Lord Sam said before moving out of the way. </p><p>Grizz kneeled down by Lady Allie’s left hand and examined it closely, “I don’t believe anything is fractured which is very good. But she’s lost a substantial amount of blood and there’s some glass in here that needs to be cleaned up immediately.”</p><p>“But will she be alright?” Mr. Bingham asked.</p><p>“I believe so, yes.” The tension in Mr. Bingham’s shoulders relaxed substantially. “Luke, can you go fetch the first aid kit in my room. There are some materials in there that I need right away.”</p><p>“Of course,” Luke said, relieved to have something to do.</p><p>“Helena, grab me some warm water and a spare cloth.”</p><p>Helena nodded and fetched a bowl of warm water as quickly as possible. She set the bowl by Grizz on the bed. He dunked the cloth inside the water and gently cleaned the area around Lady Allie’s wound. There was utter silence as he worked. The water had turned crimson by the time Luke arrived with the first aid kit. </p><p>“Excellent,” Grizz fished through the materials for what he needed and looked up warily at the lady, “I reckon it’s better if she’s not awake for this. This is gonna hurt.”</p><p>He sprayed something on the wound and Lady Allie gasped awake. Mr. Bingham surged forward and cupped her face to calm her down, “Shhhhh. It’s alright. Visser is cleaning your hand and then you can get all better. I’m right here.”</p><p>Lady Allie bit her lip and nodded. She squeezed her eyes shut from the pain as Grizz started to clean the wound directly. Mr. Bingham brushed some hair off her forehead and assured her quietly. </p><p>“I’m sorry…” she spoke between gasping breaths, “I-I ruined your birthday.”</p><p>“Don’t you even <em> dare </em> to think about that now.”</p><p>Helena looked away; it felt like she was intruding in a private moment.</p><p>Grizz picked up a large needle that looked awfully menacing. Was he going to use that to prod her wound?</p><p>“I’m going to inject with local anesthesia now, m’lady. Then we can remove the shards of glass and the worst will be over,” Grizz said.</p><p>Lady Allie glared down at him. Her face was sweaty and contorted from the pain. But she eventually nodded and let her head fall down the pillows. </p><p>Grizz looked at his kit as if he was contemplating something. He reached over and grabbed a wooden slab. He offered it to Mr. Bingham, “Have her bite down on this.”</p><p>Mr. Bingham looked down at the slab with horror. He seemed to understand why she needed it: so she wouldn’t bite her tongue off. He hesitantly took it and helped Lady Allie put it between her teeth. </p><p>Helena felt awfully faint. If she stayed to watch whatever happened next she wasn’t sure if she would pass out or not, “I’m going to fetch some new sheets for your ladyship.”</p><p>Only Luke and Lord Sam seemed to notice that she said something, the others were too focused on Lady Allie. Lord Sam nodded with a small smile and Luke looked at her with concern. She left right as Grizz was moving the needle over the wound.</p><p>Helena stopped right outside the door. She could still hear Lady Allie’s muffled screams. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, trying to regain her breath. </p><p>
  <em> When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. </em>
</p><p>The door opened again and Helena’s eyes snapped open. She relaxed when she saw it was Luke.</p><p>“Are you alright?” He asked.</p><p>She nodded and swept a hand over her face, “Yes, I simply needed a moment.” She sighed and leaned off the wall to properly face him. </p><p>“You were mumbling something when I came out,” his eyebrows scrunched together, “What was it?</p><p>“Isaiah 43:2. ‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.’” She lowered her voice as to not be heard inside, “I couldn’t stand to see her hurt like that. I’ve known and respected her for too long.”</p><p>Luke nodded in understanding. She was expecting him to say some comforting words but instead, he stepped forward to bring her into a hug. Helena’s eyes widened at the feel of his arms around her; no man had held her like this before. With one deep breath, she let herself relax and hug him back. It had been an exhausting day.</p><p>She pulled herself away and rested her hand on his shoulders, “I have to fetch the sheets now.”</p><p>He nodded, “I should go back inside.”</p><p>She looked up at him. His face looked even more kind and warm from up close. Before she could think any better, she leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “Thank you.”</p><p>She turned around and left him standing there looking stunned. Helena felt her face heat up as she walked down to get the clean sheets. She had done something terribly improper, and yet she couldn’t stop smiling.</p><p>She ran into Grizz and Luke on her way up the stairs. Grizz told her Lady Allie was all cleaned up and Helena nodded in thanks. She avoided Luke’s eyes and carried on up the stairs.</p><p>She was about to step back into the room with the clean sheets when she heard the conversation inside. </p><p>“<em>Campbell </em> did this to you?”</p><p>She froze on the spot. Mr. Bingham sounded furious.</p><p>“I don’t know why you’re surprised. We’ve always known there was something wrong with him.” She could hear Lord Sam say in response. He sounded somewhat resigned as if he’d seen this coming.</p><p>“I’m going to murder him.”</p><p>Helena panicked. If Mr. Bingham walked out right now he would know she had been eavesdropping.</p><p>“No.” Lady Allie’s voice was meek but it still held its usual determination. </p><p>Mr. Bingham seemed to have stopped on the spot. “If you go out there and curse him for this he’s going to take it out on Elle. He can’t know I told anyone.”</p><p>Helena covered her mouth with her hand. <em> Elle? </em>Campbell was hurting her? Oh dear, was this what had been going on with her for the past couple of months? </p><p>“You mean the maid?” Mr. Bingham asked incredulously. “You’re letting him get away with this to protect <em> her?” </em></p><p>“Yes, I am.” Lady Allie interrupted before he could continue. “And you would be more than happy to do the same if it were you on this bed and not me. Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment, Harry.”</p><p>He scoffed, “Please. That’s rich coming from you.”</p><p>But his tone had changed, softened even. Helena could hear him settle down again and decided this would probably be the best time to come in.</p><p>She knocked on the door and pulled it open. Lord Sam and Mr. Bingham were still on either side of her. Lady Allie looked less pale, but her hair was matted on her forehead with sweat. Her left hand was wrapped with bandages.</p><p>“I brought fresh sheets, m’lady. I thought I could draw you a bath before I changed them.” </p><p>Allie nodded eagerly, “That sounds perfect. Thank you, Helena.” </p><p>Helena smiled and nodded once, moving towards the bathroom to get the water running.</p><p>“Go. I’ll be fine,” She could hear Lady Allie say in the other room. “And not a word to anyone. Tell them I came down with something and won’t make it to dinner.”</p><p>“But Allie—” Mr. Bingham protested.</p><p>
  <em> “Please.” </em>
</p><p>Mr. Bingham sighed. It was common knowledge how stubborn Lady Allie was especially with matters like this. “Alright. But you will call on me if anything changes, right?”</p><p>“I promise.”</p><p>When Helena stepped back into the room, both men were gone. Helena moved to help Lady Allie off the bed but she brushed her off. “I’m fine. And Helena, I hope I don’t have to stress the importance of discretion.”</p><p>“No worries, m’lady. Not a word.”</p><hr/><p>Harry was about to burst. Sam was sitting right beside him and kept giving him wary looks all throughout dinner. It was as if he was preparing himself to restrain Harry if he lunged across the table to strike Campbell. </p><p>In complete honesty, Harry thought Sam had a right to worry. Allie was in pain and it made him see red. And all this because she had been kind enough to look after one of her maids. </p><p>Harry couldn’t believe he had ever considered someone like Campbell his friend. Well, even then they were barely friends. They were simply…partners in crime. All Harry wanted to do in Eton was cause trouble, and Campbell was always more than happy to help out.</p><p>But as the years went by they grew further and further apart. They ended any form of friendship when Harry decided to stop fooling around and study to become a lawyer. Campbell still wanted to enjoy the life of a bachelor to the fullest.</p><p>Now, Harry couldn’t find anyone on this earth he despised more than him. </p><p>This was his birthday dinner. He was supposed to be having fun. While he was technically physically at his dinner, his mind was upstairs where Allie lay. All he could see was her tears streaking down her cheeks so fast that he couldn’t sweep them all away. All he could hear was her Allie’s muffled screams as Visser pulled the glass out of her hand.</p><p>He hadn’t even realized he had been standing up when he felt Sam’s hand hold him to his place. Harry met his eyes and Sam glared at him with a clear message: <em> Don’t you dare.  </em></p><p>Harry forced himself to relax. It was already suspicious enough that Allie didn’t make it to his birthday. He couldn’t make it worse by causing a scene. </p><p>She wanted no one to know, and he could never deny her.</p><p>Lizzie cleared her throat next to him and he inched closer to hear her, “Are you going to tell me why Allie didn’t make it down to dinner or why you look ready to stab Campbell with your fork?”</p><p>Fortunately, Harry had just the answer to shut her up, “Are you going to tell me who’s writing you those letters you keep shoving up your sleeve every other morning?”</p><p>She clicked her tongue, “Touché.”</p><p>Harry inched back and took another large sip of his wine. He was officially twenty today. For a moment, he even felt a little bit happy at the prospect.</p><p>But then his eyes caught his father’s empty chair and that happiness shriveled up and died.</p><p>He threw back the rest of his wine at the thought of his father.</p><p>He looked over at Cassandra, who was chatting amicably to her Aunt Lynette. He had to admit, he was growing worried over Cassandra’s lack of an answer. It had been <em>months</em>.</p><p>Harry would wait though. He couldn’t be rude and try to rush her only to get a rejection. He had to be patient. He would be kind and considerate. He would make his father proud and walk her down the aisle. It was the least he could do.</p><hr/><p>“Wow. What a day,” Lord Sam huffed while taking off his jacket.</p><p>Grizz nodded in agreement. He moved closer to help him untie his tie.</p><p>“Thank you again. For saving my cousin, I mean.”</p><p>Grizz looked him right in the eye and shrugged lightly, “Of course, m’lord. I’m glad you trusted me enough to do it.”</p><p>“Have you ever considered furthering your studies? To become a proper doctor, I mean.”</p><p>Grizz shrugged, “Not really. I enjoy working in service, m’ lord. I wouldn’t leave unless I was called for a higher duty.”</p><p>“You mean war?”</p><p>“Yes, m’lord.”</p><p>Lord Sam smiled and looked him up and down. Something had changed in his eyes, something that made Grizz blush.</p><p>Without warning, Lord Sam moved closer and closer. His hands moved up to cup Grizz’s face and for a moment he thought he was dreaming. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real.</p><p>But it <em>was </em>real.</p><p>They breathed each other in for a couple of moments before Lord Sam closed the final inch between them. He kissed him slowly and lightly.</p><p>Grizz was about fit to burst. He had never kissed another man. He never thought he <em> would. </em>He had assumed that he would never be kissed, that he would never be loved.</p><p>But here was the man he fancied kissing him as if there was nothing else he wanted to do in the world.</p><p>Lord Sam pulled apart to rest their foreheads against each other, “Will you stay tonight?”</p><p>“I’d love to, m’lord.”</p><p>“No.” Lord Sam brushed his thumb across Grizz’s cheek, “In here, it’s Sam. With you I’m not a lord…I’m just Sam.”</p><p>“Alright…Sam.”</p><p>Sam smiled and grabbed his hands to pull him towards the bed.</p><hr/><p>Allie woke up the next day with a sharp pain on her left hand. <em> Right. </em>She had injured her hand last night.</p><p>She looked at the time and was shocked to see it was well past her usual wake up time. Helena should’ve woken her by now.</p><p>She rang for her and waited patiently on her bed. Helena walked in not even ten minutes later.</p><p>“Good morning, m’ lady,” She said while opening the curtains, “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“Much better, thank you,” A lie. While she didn’t feel like her hand was being repeatedly stabbed by tiny shards of glass anymore she was still far from being <em>much better. </em>“Why didn’t you wake me earlier?”</p><p>“Mr. Bingham insisted on letting you sleep in,” Allie rolled her eyes. Classic Harry. He always took care of people in ways they hadn’t even asked. “Her ladyship also allowed for you to have breakfast in bed. She wanted to come and check in on you as soon as you woke.”</p><p>Allie panicked. She still didn’t know what she was going to say to her mother, “Don’t tell her yet. Not until after I’ve eaten.”</p><p>Helena nodded, “As you wish, m’lady.”</p><p>Helena left to get her breakfast and Allie busied herself by looking over the many books on her shelf. Most of them were gifts from Cassandra. <em> Anne of Avonlea </em>caught her eye and she picked it up to look over the cover. </p><p>Cassandra had given it to her when she was younger. It had been all the rage in Canada and she thought she would enjoy it. As always, her sister’s taste in books never failed.</p><p>She sat back on her bed and flipped through the pages absently. She always bookmarked her favorite passages. Allie always liked looking over them every once in a while. She landed on one of the pages she had bookmarked and brushed her fingers over the page. </p><p>This passage had always stuck with her for some reason.</p><p>
  <em> Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps. . . perhaps. . .love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath. </em>
</p><p>“There’s a letter for you—is everything alright m’ lady?”</p><p>Allie jumped. She hid her face from Helena and swiped away the tears that had come down, “Y-yes, I’m alright.”</p><p>Helena looked skeptical but she didn’t comment. She placed the tray of food over Allie’s lap and left her.</p><p>Allie put her good hand over her eyes and tried to recompose herself. It was just a good passage. It meant nothing. It meant <em>nothing</em>. Her heart still didn’t stop aching.</p><p>She sighed and picked up the letter. She let out a gasp when she saw Becca’s name on it.</p><p>She grinned as she read its contents. This was <em>excellent. </em>Allie was so grateful that she didn’t even finish her meal. She rang for Helena and told her to fetch her mother immediately.</p><hr/><p>Amanda stared at her, “And you are absolutely sure she’s telling the truth?”</p><p>Allie didn’t back down, “I am. Something is wrong with Campbell, Mama. We’ve always known it.”</p><p>She seemed to sink lower in her spot at Allie’s bed, “Yes…but I never…”</p><p>“I already have it planned out. Becca has agreed to take Elle as one of her maids. She can go on the first train tomorrow. We can explain it to Mrs. Williams…but Pfeiffer will want to tell Papa.”</p><p>Amanda’s head snapped towards her, “You want to keep this from your father?”</p><p>“I do. If we tell him, he’ll want to tell Uncle and then we’ll lose any leverage we have over Campbell.”</p><p>“This is…so much. I can’t even properly process.”</p><p>Allie tried not to be rude, but they had no time to waste. This was Elle’s life at stake. </p><p>She reached over with her good hand and squeezed her mother’s fingers. “Please Mama. I have it all worked out. All I need is your permission to do it.”</p><p>Amanda looked skeptical, “Allie…”</p><p><em> “Please. </em> We can’t let him away with something like this. We have to show him that someone can’t <em>own </em>someone else simply because of their status. It’s not right.”</p><p>Amanda stared at her for a long moment. She shook her head lightly, “Sometimes I wonder how you manage to…hold on to your morals the way you do. ”</p><p>“If we can’t hold on to our morals then what good are they to begin with?”</p><p>Amanda reached up to cup Allie’s cheek with a small smile, “You have my permission. Do whatever you need.”</p><p>Allie almost let out a sob in relief, <em> “Thank you.” </em></p><hr/><p>“Allie. <em> Allie! ” </em></p><p>Allie rushed down the stairs and paid her sister no mind. Whatever Cassandra wanted could wait.</p><p><em> “Allie—” </em> Cassandra grabbed her left hand and Allie winced.</p><p>Cassandra dropped her gloved hand in shock. Allie pulled it up to her chest and glared at her sister.</p><p>“What’s been going on with you? You didn’t show up to Harry’s dinner last night and now there’s something wrong with your hand?”</p><p>Allie didn’t reply and Cassandra inched closer. “Whatever’s going on…you can trust me.”</p><p>But Allie didn’t want to. She had it all planned out and ready to be put into motion. If she told Cassandra, her sister would not only help but would completely take over. It might be wrong, but Allie wanted to deal with this herself. She could do this without her sister’s command.</p><p>“I need you to trust <em> me, </em>” Allie said, “I promise I will tell you all about it when it’s over.”</p><p>Cassandra hesitated. She hated being out of the loop. But she eventually nodded, “Alright.”</p><p>Allie smiled in thanks and continued her way down the stairs to talk to Mrs. Williams.</p><hr/><p>As soon as Elle got on that train, Allie put into motion the next part of her plan.</p><p>She caught up to Campbell as he headed up from breakfast. Sam and Harry rushed ahead of her to grab either of his arms. Campbell thrashed as they pinned him against the corridor wall.</p><p>“What are you doing? Let me go!”</p><p>Allie walked right up in his face, “Elle is gone,” she whispered, “And you’re not going to lay a hand on her or anyone ever again, or I will destroy you.”</p><p>His face fell in understanding and he stopped thrashing. He looked more resigned and regretful than Allie had ever seen him.</p><p>She inched even closer, “Are you scared of me?”</p><p>The usual cocky smirk returned to his face, “You have no evidence against me. Your one witness is a <em> maid </em> and I’m family. You can’t hurt me.”</p><p>Allie gave him a cruel smile, “That’s where you’re wrong. Thanks to your little <em> episode </em> in the greenhouse I now have proof,” She raised her hand and removed her glove to reveal the bandages, “And <em> I’m </em> not a maid, am I?”</p><p>He shook his head, “You have no witnesses. No jury would believe you enough to convict me.”</p><p>“Maybe,” Allie conceded, “But the papers certainly will.”</p><p>Campbell’s smirk disappeared. He knew what this meant. If she tarnished his reputation he would lose <em>everything</em>. He would be the lord who had attacked his own cousin; a social pariah. No one would invite him or speak to him ever again. He would have nowhere to live and nowhere to go.</p><p>“You will not touch, you will not <em>look </em>at anyone with mal intent or I will head down to the papers and tell them <em>everything. </em>That’s not a threat. It’s a promise.”</p><p>Campbell looked like he would like to murder her on the spot. </p><p>“Do you understand?”</p><p>He gave a single nod and Allie moved back in victory. She nodded to Sam and Harry who let him go.</p><p>Campbell straightened and fixed his jacket in a huff. He stalked away without another word.</p><p>Allie sighed with relief when he disappeared, “That should fix it for a little while. But I doubt we could ever fully control him.”</p><p>Sam shrugged, “We could always murder him.”</p><p>Harry nodded in agreement, “I already know where we could bury his body.”</p><p>Allie rolled her eyes, “I need to lay down for a bit. It’s been an intense week.”</p><p>Elle was safe now, Becca would take good care of her, and that was all that mattered.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> July 1914 </em>
</p><p>Allie was glad to be home after the Season. It was only her second one but she was already growing slightly tired of all the same events and people. </p><p>All everyone seemed to talk about lately was the murder of Archduke Ferdinand. Allie was intrigued, but Cassandra was <em>entranced. </em>She told Allie she could sense this meant something big was around the corner. Allie couldn’t fathom what that could be.</p><p>The Pressman's and Sam had all come down early to set up for the garden party on the weekend. Allie already had her outfit picked out: a white dress with blue stripes, paired with wrist length fishnet gloves and a white hat.</p><p>The Binghams were staying in London for a little while longer and would only just make it to the garden party. Karen had announced she was moving to London with Elizabeth. She claimed that Downton just reminded her too much of her late husband. She wanted to start over.</p><p>Harry had decided to stay at Downton. He was the future heir and was on his way to get properly acquainted with how to run the estate. Allie could see it was tearing him apart to leave his family.</p><p>Allie was in the Library with Sam and Cassandra. Sam was reading a book with a smile on his face. Allie knew exactly <em>who </em>was making him so happy. Good for him. He deserved someone good in his life.</p><p>Allie was reading her own book and caught up in her own thoughts when Cassandra spoke up.</p><p>“I’m telling Harry his answer when I see him again.”</p><p>Sam and Allie both snapped up their heads.</p><p>“You mean <em> the </em>answer?” Sam asked.</p><p>“Yes. I’m finally ready.”</p><p>Allie gulped. Her throat felt awfully dry all of a sudden, “Well? What is it?”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s right for me to tell anyone before I tell him. He should be the first one to know.”</p><p>Allie nodded, trying to make as she understood completely. But her head was in a panic. What would Cassandra say? The moment was finally here and Allie had no idea which way Cassandra would go.</p><p>Her sister was a gigantic puzzle, and Allie’s heart paid the cost of not being able to figure her out.</p><hr/><p>Allie’s enthusiasm for the party completely faded after Cassandra’s announcement. She barely talked to anyone. She barely ate anything. </p><p>She simply sat with her grandmother and watched as people interacted. </p><p>Harry looked quite dashing as usual. He was wearing a white suit and a matching hat that contrasted nicely with his hair. He had only just started wearing colors again.</p><p>Cassandra came up next to him with a smile. She looked beautiful as well in her white dress. Allie had to admit they would make quite a beautiful couple. </p><p>Allie couldn’t stop her eyes from following Cassandra as she led Harry out of the party. Cassandra looked more determined than ever. </p><p><em> This is it. </em> Allie thought. <em> This is where I lose him forever.  </em></p><p>She looked away before the tears could properly manifest. </p><p>Violet reached over and grabbed her hand, “What’s wrong, my dear?”</p><p>Allie swiped at her face with her other hand and shook her head with a smile, “It’s nothing, Granny. I’m being silly.”</p><p>Her grandmother’s face softened. Her wrinkles sharpened against the corner of her eyes in an unusually kind expression, “There’s nothing silly about a broken heart.”</p><p>“How did you—”</p><p>“I notice more than you think you do. And what I’ve seen over the past years is a girl who desperately wants a boy she can’t have.”</p><p>She couldn’t stop the tears from coming now. Her grandmother’s words were making it all seem more real, “Oh, Granny. I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>Her grandmother squeezed her hand, “You need to tell him.”</p><p>“I couldn’t ever do that to Cassandra.”</p><p>“You’re not doing anything <em>to </em> Cassandra, you’re doing it <em>for </em>Cassandra. It may seem hard, but you might save everyone from a whole lot of pain in the long run.”</p><p>Her grandmother smiled and despite the flurry of emotions in Allie’s head, she smiled back.</p><hr/><p>Harry turned away from Cassandra and he swept a hand through his hair. Cassandra hadn’t expected him to look so shocked at her refusal. Well, she wasn’t sure what she had expected but it certainly wasn’t this. </p><p>He snapped back to face her, “Is this about me? Because if it is then I can change. I can be the man you want me to be.”</p><p>“That’s not how a marriage should start, Harry!” Cassandra said. “You shouldn’t go into it by promising you will turn into a different person.”</p><p>He definitely wasn’t in his right mind about this if he offered something so absurd. </p><p>“Is there someone else?” He spat.</p><p>A face came to Cassandra’s mind but it vanished before she could properly process it. </p><p>“No! This isn’t about you, or anyone else, this is about <em>us. </em>Let’s face it, we can’t be husband and wife, we’re barely even friends!” She sighed, “And maybe that might’ve been different if we hadn’t had this dark cloud looming over our every interaction. Deep down, you know you don’t want this either. This is what is right.”</p><p>He shook his head, completely distraught. </p><p>“It’s time to return to the lives we’re truly meant to live. Wish me luck with it, Harry,” She smiled, “God knows I wish the best for you.”</p><p>He didn’t reply as she walked away. Cassandra took a deep breath as soon as he was out of her view. She felt like she could properly breathe for the first time in a long while.</p><hr/><p>Allie saw Cassandra come back to the party with an unreadable look on her face. She walked over to where Allie and Violet were sitting. </p><p>She took a breath before speaking plainly, “I refused him.”</p><p>“You did what?” Allie asked in shock.</p><p>“I refused him,” Cassandra repeated. “It was the right thing to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go speak to Papa.”</p><p>Allie watched in shock as Cassandra walked away. She had refused him. <em> Cassandra wasn’t marrying him. </em></p><p>Her grandmother squeezed her hand and brought her back to reality, “Go talk to him, my dear. Before it’s too late.”</p><p>Allie smiled and gave a huff in disbelief, “Thank you, Granny.”</p><p>She went the way Cassandra had come from and found Harry staring off into the distance with his hands in his pockets and his back to her.</p><p>She took a deep breath and came to stand next to him silently. He didn’t turn to face her. She couldn’t read his expression. </p><p>“My father would be so disappointed in me.”</p><p>“Don’t say that.” Allie’s heart broke at his monotone voice.</p><p>“It’s true,” He said simply, “He expected nothing from me, except this. The only thing he wanted was that I marry Cassandra, and I couldn’t even manage that.” He let out a shaky breath, “I can’t stay here anymore.”</p><p>“What?” No, he couldn’t <em>leave</em>. </p><p>“I have to leave Downton and start a proper life. It’s the only thing I can think of doing right now.”</p><p>The wind blew past them, and Allie could feel a couple of curls come loose underneath her hat. The sun was shining down on them, and Allie thought this would be the only opportunity she would ever get.</p><p>Allie stared at him, “Don’t leave.”</p><p>He finally turned to face her, “What?</p><p>“Don’t leave. <em> Stay</em>. Downton Abbey is your home now and one day it’ll be yours. It would be foolish to leave now just because the engagement fell through.”</p><p>Harry shook his head, “I have nothing left for me here. My mother is taking Elizabeth up to London. I can barely practice law here. I don’t see any reason why I should stay.”</p><p>“You’re wrong. You have plenty of reasons why you should stay.”</p><p>“Enlighten me.”</p><p>She met his eyes and she felt herself losing her nerve. She <em>needed </em>to say it. Even her Granny told her she should do something about these feelings that have haunted her for years. “Well, now I can only think of one.”</p><p>His eyes darkened and Allie had an inkling that he knew what she was about to say next. </p><p>“Pardon me, m’lady.”</p><p>Allie jumped away from Harry and bowed her head down to hide her blush, “Yes, Luke?”</p><p>“I think you’ll both want to hear this. His lordship has an announcement to make.”</p><p>Harry’s eyes met hers and she could tell the implicit <em>we’ll finish this later </em>before they both walked on to rejoin the garden party.</p><p>“My lords, ladies, and gentlemen. Can I ask for silence?” James said, “Because I very much regret to announce that we are at war with Germany.”</p><p>Allie’s face fell. No. She was sure the government would’ve been smart enough to stay out of that whole mess.</p><p>She met Harry’s eyes and saw that he shared her distress. She decided then and there, that what she had to say to him didn’t matter now. What could matters of the heart ever compare to the prospect of war coming crashing down upon them?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I had these two chapters pre-written, so I don't know how long it'll be before I update. But this is where things are about to get interesting hehe, so hopefully soon.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. war</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey everyone! thank you all for your lovely comments on the past couple chapters. they really motivated me to write this chapter as fast as I could for you guys.</p>
<p>So my friend told me the link for the Pinterest board wasn't working, so I fixed it. Here it is again if you guys want to check it out: https://pin.it/7pECxnH</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>July 1914</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“General Burton is commanding the division at Richmond and Dr. Clarkson said there might be a place for me there to continue my training as a medic. I’ll have to report to the local recruiting office and they’ll take it from there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shook his head and took Grizz’s hands. “Why must you go so soon?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s my duty,” Grizz said with his head bowed. This was proving to be more difficult than he thought it would. Sam’s kind eyes had grown sad and Grizz couldn’t take looking into them for too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam lifted Grizz’s head with a finger under his chin, “I can’t see your lips.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s my duty,” Grizz repeated, “I must go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam stared at him for a long moment. Grizz wished he knew what he was thinking. Sam turned around and walked away and for a moment, Grizz had thought he’d lost him forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then Sam started ruffling through his things and he turned around with a book in his hands. He gave it to Grizz who read the title on the cover. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Les Misérables, </span>
  </em>
  <span>by Victor Hugo. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s one of my favorites,” Sam explained, “Something for you to read at night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz shook his head. This was obviously a precious possession and he wasn’t about to take it and tarnish it, “I can’t take this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, you can,” Sam reached up to cup his face, “I need you to be safe out there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz held on tightly to Sam and leaned his forehead against his. It wasn’t fair. He had finally found a man who loved him in this crazy world—something he had never thought was in the cards for him—and now he had to leave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam wiped the tears that came down Grizz’s face with his thumb.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz pulled back so Sam could see his lips, “I’ll write to you every day. I don’t know how without getting us caught but I will.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam nodded with a small smile, “We’ll figure it out. Together.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz smiled and leaned in to kiss him. His heart ached just at the thought that this might be one of their last kisses for God knew how long.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>August 1915</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything changed quite quickly in Downton. The first one to go was Grizz. He enlisted immediately, and since he was already a trained medic, his services were requested as soon as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Campbell was the second one to enlist. He was almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>excited </span>
  </em>
  <span>at the prospect of going to war. It was like he thrived on the chaos.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The last one to leave was Harry. He enlisted as well and was called up for training for the better part of a year.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Soon enough, the only men left in the house were James and Sam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James wasn’t wanted for active service. He only served at an honorary position, something that made him particularly livid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam couldn’t serve because he was deaf. Allie could see that it bothered him but he never let it show. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra even left as well to go to London. She was the editor of a small-circulation newspaper called </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Soldier’s Wife </span>
  </em>
  <span>that campaigned for better treatment for dependents of servicemen. A Conservative member of Parliament had described the journal as “a pestilential nuisance to the government” and Cassandra decided to put it on the masthead of every edition thereafter. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie was surprised to see that she was working closely with Gwen Patterson. Allie had introduced them to each other a while back and now, Gwen had become the paper’s manager. They both had complementing strengths; Cassandra met and befriended the cabinet ministers while Gwen knew a different political world made up of labour unions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Downton was fortunate enough to have installed a telephone, right before the war broke out. So now Cassandra was only a call away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry came to visit before he was shipped off to France. He stepped out of the motor in his uniform and Allie tried her best to give him a smile. She should be proud of him—he was serving his country after all—but all she could see in that uniform was him falling dead on the battleground.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gave her a grin, and all of her worries disappeared. She had missed him so much. She broke the formation to run straight into his arms. He spun her around with his loud laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry set her on the ground and brushed a loose strand of hair off her face, “Now there’s a sight for sore eyes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie smiled and ignored the flutter of her heart. He was only saying that because he’d been surrounded only by men for the past year. And even if he wasn’t…it didn’t matter now. Not anymore.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stepped aside to let him greet his sister and mother. With the war breaking, they’d decided to stay in Downton after all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth grinned and jumped up to hug him, her legs wrapping around his waist like she’d done since she was a child. Harry lurched towards the ground in shock, “Lord, Lizzie. You’ve grown too much for me to carry you like this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth pulled away to shove his shoulder, “Quite a soldier, you are. You can’t even manage to carry a fifteen-year-old-girl.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In Harry’s defense, Elizabeth had grown a fair share in the past couple of years. She was almost as tall as Allie now. Her face had filled out to give her stronger features. She was looking more grown-up every day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all gathered inside for tea. Everyone wanted to cash in as much time with Harry as possible. There was this underlying tension that this might be the last time he was here with them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He kept being pulled into conversation with every single one of the family members. Allie was a little envious, she felt like she barely had had thirty seconds with him in total. But she enjoyed simply having him around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leaned over to her and rested a hand on her arm, “I wanted to see the greenhouse before dinner, to see how much it’s progressed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m afraid there’s not much to see,” Allie said honestly, “All production was halted a while back and it’s still pretty dreadful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He simply shrugged, “I still wanted to take a look. Will you come with me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie hesitated. There was something different about him today. His eyes seemed darker, he seemed even bolder. What had changed in him during training? Whatever it was…it was stirring something inside her. Something she had buried and ignored for so long, only for it to come back and haunt her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie waited by the door as he surveyed the greenhouse. It was in a much better state than from the start. But instead of being dusty and run-down, it was now an abandoned construction site.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry looked at the roof in amazement, “At least they managed to get that fixed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. They finished that not even a couple of weeks before the war started.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked back at her and his gaze dropped down to her hands. Allie quickly let go of her left hand. She sometimes rubbed her scar without even realizing it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry walked over and extended his hand, “May I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip and offered him her left hand. He slowly took it and brushed his fingers along the white scar on the center of her palm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it weird being here after…everything?” He asked in a low voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not really,” she answered honestly, “Sometimes I think about it but he’s so far away now. I don’t get scared like I used to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up to meet her eyes and his fingers tightened their hold slightly, “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you sorry for? It wasn’t your fault.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m still sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They held each other’s gaze for a couple more moments before she realized he was still holding her hand. She quickly took her hand back and folded her arms. His hand flexed slightly before resting at his side. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked at the darkening sky outside. “We should go back inside.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He cleared his throat and nodded, “We should.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie wasn’t planning on seeing Harry off the train. She had already said her goodbye in the proper and appropriate manner; she had hugged him and wished him luck. She had done the right thing and let his family say their goodbyes first </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>last. Elizabeth had cried and clung to him so hard that Allie thought he would decide to stay instead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then Allie felt something in her jacket pocket that she had forgotten to give to him. She’d made Shoe get around the motor and rushed down to meet him at the station.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thankfully, the train still hadn’t left. Through the smoke, she managed to just spot him in the distance. She called his name and he frowned and looked around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t see her until she was a couple of feet away from him. His expression quickly went from confused to pleased at the sight of her, “Allie, what are you doing here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I came here to give you this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyebrows furrowed slightly and he took the gift from her warily, “A pen? Wait a minute, I remember this. I gave this to you, didn’t I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded with a small smile, “You did. I wanted you to take it. That way you have no excuse not to write to me,” she hastily added, “but don’t lose it, or I’ll have to kill you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gave a laugh before slipping the pen into his jacket pocket, “I won’t. It’ll be my good luck charm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie smiled and he gave her no warning before pulling her into a hug. This one felt different than the one he’d given her not even thirty minutes ago. She closed her eyes and breathed him in one last time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a long moment, he pulled away to face her. His hands didn’t leave her waist, “Before the war broke out, you were about to say something. A reason to stay. What were you going to say?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie hesitated. His eyes bore into her and for a moment she almost thought of telling him the truth.“It doesn’t matter now. You shouldn’t waste time dwelling on it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I can’t help it you see. Out there in training, it was all I could think about.” He moved a little closer to her and Allie’s breath hitched. They had never been this close even when they’d danced. “What were you going to say, Allie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stared at him. Before all this, she might’ve risked it and told him everything she felt for him. People claimed war made people bold, but Allie didn’t feel bold. She just felt like a girl who didn't want to tarnish her friendship with a boy right before he went off to war. She didn’t want his last memory of her to be an unrequited love confession. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s like I said, it doesn’t matter now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His face fell slightly and his hands dropped from her waist as he stepped back. Allie was almost convinced she was imagining his disappointment. He stepped back, “Well, alright. I’ll see you when I can.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie nodded, “Good luck. Don’t be a hero.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smirked, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tipped his hat one last time and hopped on the train. Allie watched the train leave the stop and stayed there until it had disappeared into the distance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t shed a single tear on the platform or on the ride home, or even on her way to her bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then she opened the door and on Allie’s bed lay a single pink carnation. She picked it up slowly and a couple of petals fell on her bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t bother reaching for her book on floriography. She had flipped through it so many times over the years she had practically memorized it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She held the flower to her chest and collapsed on her bed. She finally succumbed to the sobs of despair and worry she’d been holding in for weeks. Harry was leaving her to go to war. He could </span>
  <em>
    <span>die</span>
  </em>
  <span> and never know her true feelings for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A pink carnation: </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll never forget you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A knock came to the door but Allie didn’t bother acknowledging it. The door opened anyway, and Sam came rushing in to wrap his arms around her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie cried for a couple of moments on his shoulder before pulling away to wipe her face.“Do you find me a coward?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam frowned, “For what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For not telling him the true nature of my feelings.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s face softened and he reached over to tuck a strand of hair behind Allie’s ear, “I don’t think you’re a coward. I think you’re simply too kind for your own good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Sam. How can you bear it? With Grizz far away after all these months…” She put a hand over her chest as she gasped between sobs. She took a shaky breath before managing to sign, “Because Harry and I aren’t even anything and I can barely breathe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam pulled her into him again and she sobbed against his chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he whispered out loud, “We just have to take it one day at a time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie’s eye caught the petals scattered on her lap. </span>
  <em>
    <span>One day at a time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She forced herself to breathe deeply. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Take it one day at a time.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>September 1916</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie looked through her letters at breakfast. Elizabeth and James were doing the same while Sam was reading Les Misérables for the thousandth time. He’d only gotten that new copy a couple of years ago and it looked like it was decades old by the way it looked worn. Allie wished she knew what was so special about that book. Victor Hugo simply droned on too much about Napoleon’s silverware for her taste. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first one had handwriting she immediately recognized. She set it aside and unopened; this letter wasn’t for her despite what the address said. Sam caught the movement, as he always did, and visibly relaxed. It seemed that every letter from Grizz would bring a temporary relief in this dark cloud above them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second one made her own heart skip a beat. She opened it quickly, eager to find what news Harry could bring.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>My dearest Allie,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I wanted to thank you for your last letter. Sometimes my life in Downton seems like a dream, and your letters remind me that the world outside still does on. It makes me happy that Cassandra found her own cause, even after everything I do still wish her well. I hope I had something interesting to tell you, but unfortunately, I can’t think of anything to say. I mostly wrote this to tell you that I still haven’t lost your pen. I told you, it’s my lucky charm. I hope we’ll see each other soon. I might be able to get leave sometime, and if I do I’ll let you know.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Make sure to give Lizzie and Mama my best wishes. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours truly,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie let out a breath of relief. Harry’s letters were short and barely said anything, but they served as proof that he was still alive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes the image of him as a soldier didn’t exactly sink in her head. He was always simply </span>
  <em>
    <span>Harry</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the boy who sent her flowers and taught her how to dance. But now he was a Captain, fighting in a war for his king. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s from Harry,” Allie dropped her letter with a small smile. Elizabeth and Sam both looked up at her in expectation. Letters hardly came with good news nowadays. “He’s well and he gives you his best wishes, Elizabeth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth fell back to her seat with a relieved smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only one who didn’t seem to have processed the news was James. He was still staring at his own letter with a solemn expression.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James dropped his fork, “I don’t believe it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Papa, what is it?” Allie asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s from your uncle. Campbell is dead. He was killed in the Somme apparently.” He dropped the letter to look over at Sam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s face was unreadable as he processed the news. He dropped his fork on the table and stood up after signing, “If you’ll excuse me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie quickly hurried after him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He walked fast as he made his way outside. Allie had to jog to catch up to him. He only came to stop when she grabbed his shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes were red but dry. She brushed her hair out of her face as the wind swept by.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Sam,” Allie signed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam looked around and took a deep breath. His face became hard. “He was a psychopath. The best thing he could ever do was die for his country.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t say that. He’s still—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My brother? Yes, he was. And my parents didn’t even bother writing to me directly about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie didn’t have an answer to that. There was a reason Sam stayed at Downton most of the time, his parents had never been exceptionally kind to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam looked around in despair and swept a hand over his face, “He hurt people. He hurt you, and Elle and…just because he’s dead it doesn’t mean he’s suddenly a good person.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie stared at him for a long moment. Sam had a point. Campbell had been a horrible person. He had caused nothing but harm in his life. But still…he had been family. And that had to mean something to a certain point, didn’t it? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, he was. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to mourn him as a brother.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shook his head in disbelief and looked away from her for a moment, “Don’t you ever feel useless, Allie? Just staying here and doing nothing while everyone we love goes out and fights for their lives?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Allie didn’t have an answer to that. The truth was that sometimes Allie felt so useless she could scream. Even Cassandra had found a purpose with her news column and all Allie did these days was read and write letters.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He seemed to remember something and snapped back to focus, “That other letter was from Grizz, wasn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, but Sam—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to see it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip. She wasn’t sure this was the right time for this but then Sam extended his hand for it and she caved in. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She left him to read the letter in peace.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Sam tore open the letter hastily. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>My dearest companion,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They weren’t using names so as not to get caught. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not to bore you with details of the front. And even if I did intend to, they would simply block it out anyways. But out here, I keep thinking of a quote I read in Les Misérables. “It is nothing to die. It is frightful to live.” And as the days go by, and I keep living, I realize how books seem to mirror our lives in more ways than we can possibly imagine. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Be brave, my dearest, and live on. Despite all the fear, we must simply keep breathing. I’ll see you soon.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours truly,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>G.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam dropped the letter in tears. Even miles and miles away, Grizz always knew what to say. He missed him every day. He wished he could hug him and kiss him and simply </span>
  <em>
    <span>be with him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was nothing scarier to Sam than to keep living. Everyone around him, all the men his age, were out there dying. His brother even dropped dead, and Sam had once thought that that devil would live on forever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And what was Sam doing? Staying behind with the excuse of his condition. Allie had once asked him if he thought she was a coward, but these days </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the one who felt like the coward.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pressed the letter against his chest and closed his eyes to take a deep breath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Despite all the fear, we must simply keep breathing.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another breath.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“What’s the matter with you?” Helena asked as she sat down beside Luke in the servant’s hall. He was sulking quietly in his chair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing much. My dad still won’t let me enlist.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your father has no one but you. Of course, he doesn’t want you to enlist.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had had this conversation plenty of times before. Luke was itching to head out to war and serve the country, but he loved his father too much to defy him. Helena would try and comfort him, but she was secretly glad he couldn’t go. She would go out of her mind if he went out to war.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So I stand by while the lads on the farms and in the gardens go to war?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. At least until you get called up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Luke sat back and shook his head, “It doesn’t feel right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena sighed. She was sympathetic, truly. It’s just they’d had this conversation a thousand times and she was tired of telling him the same things. She reached over to grab his hand and he stared at her, “You’re a good man, Luke. You’re not a bad person by refusing to abandon your dad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” he hesitated, “Helena…can I ask you something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena’s eyes widened slightly. She thought she had some idea of what he would ask and if he did…she knew what she would say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Footsteps sounded out and they jumped apart. Helena snatched her hand away from his and straightened up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexie walked in with a dress in her hand. She looked them up and down with a gaze that made Helena blush.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She tucked a loose strand from her up-do behind her ear and stood, “I should get back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Luke nodded and gave her a smile. He looked sort of disappointed.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie sat in silence and looked out the window of the library. Sam’s words had affected her deeply. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> feel useless. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even before the war, she had been searching for a purpose, and now she seemed to have been further away from finding it than before. She sighed and rubbed her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was so inside her own thoughts that she didn’t hear Karen approach until she spoke, “Are you alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie jumped and lifted her head from her hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pardon me, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Karen said with a hand on her arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s alright,” Allie said. This was highly unusual. Karen barely spoke to her except the occasional chat at dinner, but even then it was somewhat awkward. Despite all these years knowing each other, Karen had never made an attempt to truly get to know her. Allie couldn’t blame her; it’s not like </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>was any better.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But part of Allie thought it was because Karen had never truly forgiven her for pushing Harry into that river.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen tilted her head, looking unusually kind, “But are you? Alright, I mean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie looked down at her lap to hide her watering eyes, “I’m fine.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this about…Campbell? I heard about what happened, truly tragic really.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie almost wanted to laugh. Her dead cousin was now the furthest thing from her mind. She sniffed and wiped her face with the back of her hand, “I just feel so useless sometimes,” She looked at Karen, “Harry is out there fighting for his life and it feels so wrong to sit here and waste mine. I want to do a real job, </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>work.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She avoided Karen’s eyes. She didn’t expect her to understand. George had been a working man but Karen had lived the life of a loving wife, nothing more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well…if you’re serious, what about being an auxiliary nurse?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie’s head snapped up, “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s a training college in York. I know I could get you on to a course.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie was confused, “But…how?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> Karen gave her a small smile, “I was a nurse myself, back in the day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie gave a laugh of disbelief, “How come I never knew that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen shrugged and reached over to squeeze her hand, “There are lots you don’t know about me, dear. But if you’re really interested, I can make it happen. It may be something of a rough awakening. Are you ready for that? I mean, have you ever even made your own bed, for example? Or scrubbed a floor? Or what about cooking?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t, but I can learn,” Allie said eagerly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t you ask Mrs. Chapman if she could give you one or two basic tips? When you get to York it would be good to know a little more than nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie smiled, “Thank you so much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen patted her cheek in a motherly manner Allie had never experienced from her, “I’m glad I could help, my dear. Anything that helps the heart feel less heavy.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t understand why you decided you couldn’t consult me before asking her? If Dr. Clarkson needs to find free labor, I’d rather he not do so in my own nursery,” Amanda said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen sat further back on the couch, “But Allie is not in the nursery anymore, is she?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t pretend it’s not respectable,” Violet weighed in, “when every day we’re treated to pictures of queens and princesses in Red Cross uniform ladling down soup down the throat of some unfortunate.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Amanda huffed in annoyance. Even </span>
  <em>
    <span>Violet</span>
  </em>
  <span> thought this was a good idea. But Amanda couldn’t let her child witness those unimaginable horrors. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie had always wanted to march to the beat of her own drum, but must she really go this far? And was it so wrong for Amanda to want to hold on to that little girl for a little bit longer?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Allie must be allowed to do her bit like anyone else,” Violet said. Amanda met her eyes and held back a scoff.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Amanda stopped her pacing and collapsed on the couch in front of them. She rubbed the space between her eyebrows, “The war has taken so much from us already, must it take my daughter’s innocence as well?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Violet gave her a sympathetic smile, “I’m afraid it’s a little too late for that.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it would be our secret. A surprise. You don’t mind, do you?” Allie asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mrs. Chapman stared at her in shock. Allie thought this must be the first time any lady had asked her for help on how to cook.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shared a look with her Cook’s Assistant, Will, and stuttered, “It’s not that I mind, m’lady.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I only need the basics,” Allie interrupted, “How to boil an egg, how to make tea.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mrs. Chapman’s eyebrows raised, “Don’t you know how to make tea?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip and shook her head. She never thought she was so helpless as she truly was. But in reality, she didn’t know anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When I start my course I don’t want to be a joke. Will you help me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Course we will, won’t we?” Will said and gave Mrs. Chapman a glare before the old lady nodded as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you say so. Let’s get started.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It turned out, Allie not only knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but she was actually terrible in all the things she did learn. She burned butter, used a sink incorrectly, and had ruined her first batch of biscuits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The one who had been most helpful had been Will. He looked over her shoulder and gave her a kind smile whenever she messed up massively.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the end of it all, she could almost call him a friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She finally managed to bake her mother a cake all by herself. It seemed silly but she was extremely proud of herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her mother cried of happiness when she gave it to her.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra came down from London before she left. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hugged her tightly and pulled away to tuck a strand of hair behind Allie’s ear, “You’re going to be an incredible nurse. You’ve always taken care of people, now you’ve finally found the right profession to put it into action.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie grinned with teary eyes and hugged her sister again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How was London?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra sighed and took Allie’s arm as they made their way inside, “It’s a mess, as always. But Gwen and I are fighting to make it better. You should see the things that girl says,” Cassandra said with a laugh, “We’ve been trying to get The Soldier’s and Sailors Families Association to administer the separation allowance, money they give to soldier’s wives, not only to women who were on ‘good behavior.’ It’s been a crazy fight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie leaned her head on Cassandra’s shoulder, “You shall tell me all about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra kissed the top of Allie’s head and went on to tell her about the things she had to say to the receptionist to even get through the door.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Amanda, Cassandra, and Helena were all helping her sort through her clothes for the training program. Helena was laying clothes on Allie's bed that she could get in and out of without a maid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Amanda was holding a white evening gown and Allie took it from her with a scoff, “I won’t need that. I’d never wear it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But you must have something decent,” Amanda protested as Allie put it back in her closet, “Suppose you’re invited to dinner?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie sighed, “I know this is hard for you to grasp, Mama, but I’m not there to go out to dinner,” She smiled as she spoke her next sentence, “I’m there to learn.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span>, did that feel good to say and mean it. She was finally going to learn from someone besides her governess, who would teach her how to curtsy and how to speak french but never anything truly important outside the walls of the estate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra took a slightly less fancy one from her closet and handed it to her, “Take one, just in case.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie gave a resigned smile and laid it out on the bed for Helena to pack.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Violet sighed and stood up, “Well, I must go,” she opened her eyes for a hug and Allie easily complied, “Goodbye, Allie. And good luck with it all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She pulled apart to smile at her grandmother, “Thank you for being such a sport.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Violet nodded, “It’s a big step you’re taking, dear, but war deals out strange tasks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie knew that much was true. It felt so good to finally feel like she was going to do something good and useful with her time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it was time to say goodbye, Sam became all teary-eyed, “I’m going to miss you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie laughed, “Don’t be silly. It’s only two months.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know but…this feels different,” He brought her in for a long hug and then pulled apart to sign to her, “I’m really proud of you. You’re finding your purpose, like you always wanted to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This made her eyes water as well, “You’ve found your purpose too, Sam. Keep writing. Your words mean more than you could ever imagine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shook his head, “If only that was true.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It </span>
  <em>
    <span>is,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” she insisted, “I know you haven’t written since the war started but…I hope you do return to it. These are dark times and people need words and stories to help them. Books have the power to save people in unimaginable ways.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes twinkled and he shook his head fondly, “Always trying to help people, I see.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie felt her face heat up in embarrassment. She could never get truly used to compliments.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But speaking of books, I have something for you to take with you.” He handed her his copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Les Misérables, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“It’s a good luck charm. It’s working so far with the first one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie had some idea of who he meant and it made the gift all the more special. She hugged him again, feeling so lucky that she was someone her cousin loved so dearly. Only few people in life were fortunate enough to have people that cared for them so completely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll see you in two months,” She waved goodbye to all of them and hopped on the car before she could think better of it.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Sam had sat down in front of his typewriter around 30 minutes ago and he had yet to write a word. His fingers hovered over the keys and he tried to come up with anything to type.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But his mind was blank.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, no, not blank. His mind felt too full with a jumble of thoughts he couldn’t discern. There was concern for Grizz and Harry. Guilt over not being able to go to the front. Pride that Allie was taking this step to become a nurse. Grief overpowered by relief over Campbell’s death. Anger towards his parents. But the one that seemed to come back the most was loneliness. Allie had left and now Sam was truly, and utterly alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted to write. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>desperately</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted to distract himself with the feeling of putting words to paper, but he couldn’t think of a story or a character or anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What would Grizz say if he were here? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Take a deep breath. Try to steel yourself and think with a clear head.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. He needed to step away from the specifics for a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then it came to him. Maybe he didn’t need to write a story though. Maybe he could write something more abstract, a poem. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It poured out of him all at once. His fingers hammered loudly over the keys, bringing the words to life. With a poem, he didn’t have to put a name to his feelings and thoughts, he could just put them all on paper. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie was right. He couldn’t stop writing. It was who he was.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Night had fallen, and the sky had cleared. Harry walked through the dark trenches. He had grown accustomed to the constant dirt that seemed to stick to everything he touched or passed by, but he would never become accustomed to the smell. It was a stench so strong that Harry felt dizzy from it every once in a while. Honestly, he sometimes thought he smoked as much as he did just to try and get rid of that horrible stench. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something sounded in the distance and Harry ducked, looking around for the source. He realized it was only in his imagination. An echo of the artillery that hit day in and day out. He took a deep breath to steel himself, to keep the demons at bay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>More often than he’d like to admit, he could feel his mind slipping. He could feel the darkness and the overwhelming burden of the deaths he’d caused take over. He remembered a time when he was just a boy and his father got angry with him because he couldn’t bring himself to shoot a bird. That boy was long dead now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry’s eye caught an alcove in the wooden wall, small enough to fit two people. Only one man occupied it though and a small lamp lay in the middle as he read a book in the light. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something deep inside of Harry sparked with recognition, “Visser?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man looked up at his name with wide eyes. He got out from the alcove to salute Harry, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Corporal</span>
  </em>
  <span> Visser, now sir.” He motioned to the alcove where a couple pans lay by the light, “Would you like some, sir? We’ve got condensed milk and sugar.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry took a drag out of his cigarette before tossing it to the floor. He moved inside the alcove with a grin, “I won’t ask how you managed that.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz offered him a cup with steam curling out of it, “Go on, sir.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry took a sip and almost cried in relief. He hadn’t tasted anything so sweet in months. It reminded him that there was some life out of these never-ending trenches, “That’s nectar. Are you sure you can spare it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gladly, if we can talk about the old days and forget about all this for a minute or two.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I actually just received a letter from Allie. She’s taking up a course to become a nurse.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz’s eyebrows raised, “Goodness! Can’t say I’m surprised, really.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry shook his head with a small smile, “Me either. What surprised me to hear was that my mother apparently had a hand in it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His mom had been a nurse a while back but she rarely talked about those days. Harry thought there was some part of her that was ashamed of her work, probably because every time it would come up his father would roll her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry nodded to the book in Grizz’s lap, “What are you reading?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.’” Grizz quoted, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Les Misérables.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ahhh, yes. Sam is quite fond of that book, as well.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something in Grizz’s face shifted, “Have you heard of him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Allie mentioned he was doing well. Of course, everyone was a little shaken by Campbell’s death.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lord Campbell is dead?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry nodded and reached in his pocket for another cigarette, “Yes. Killed in the Somme.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry tried to sound sorry about it but he just couldn’t. There might’ve been a time when Harry would’ve mourned his death, but not anymore. The boy he used to cause trouble with was long gone, and he’d been replaced by the monster that hurt maids and shoved glass into Allie’s hands. Just because Campbell was dead did not mean that he suddenly became a good person. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grizz shook his head lightly and poured himself some tea, “What would my mother say? Me having tea with the future Earl of Grantham.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry gave an awkward laugh. Sometimes he forgot about his life at Downton completely, but weirdly he never forgot of Allie. She was the one constant in his thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry took a drag and looked Grizz right in the eye, “War has a way of distinguishing between the things and the things that don’t. Thank you for this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stood up and Grizz stood as well to salute him. And with one last nod, Harry took off to resume his duties as Captain and back to the real world.</span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>April 1917</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena walked down the stairs on her way to the Servant’s Hall. Luke was standing against the wall with a paper in his hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stopped right in front of him, “Penny for your thoughts?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up at her and for a moment she thought he’d received the most horrible news but then he smiled, “My papers. They’ve come. I’ve been called up.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena’s face fell. She knew this would happen eventually, but oh how she had dreaded it. She had prayed every night that he wouldn’t be called up and it had worked so far. She wasn’t ready for him to go yet, “Really?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t seem to understand her lack of enthusiasm, “Really. I’m to report for my medical next Wednesday, and once I’m through that I go to Richmond for training.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And then you go to war,” Helena deadpanned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“With any luck.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Luck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. As if him being shipped off was something good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Helena, there’s something I have to say before I go…”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t let him finish his sentence. There was no time for words when she already knew what he was going to say. She leaned forward and pressed her lips against hers. She felt him stiffen in surprise but he quickly responded in full. Her fingers curled on the front of his vest and she let herself enjoy it for one more moment before pulling away. They were in public after all, and the risk of getting caught was too great.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes met hers and Helena felt the leftover worry inside her dissipate. Luke was kind and good and he looked at her like she hung the moon. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does this mean you’ll be my girl? Because if so then I feel like I could do anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena laughed, “Of course, I’ll be your girl.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked as if he wanted to kiss her again, but footsteps echoed in the corridor and she stepped away from him quickly. She gave him a wink and continued down the corridor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was so giddy with her first kiss, that she almost forgot that he was leaving her to go to war. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie adored being a nurse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was back living in Downton and would head down to the local hospital for work. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was hard, gruesome work, and Allie loved it. Even with the hardest of patients and the most revolting of injuries, she would still do her duty and help. She wasn’t Lady Allie Pressman there, the girl who wore pretty dresses and talked about helping people. In the hospital she was Nurse Pressman, just one more of the dedicated women who worked hard to </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> help people. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She made many friends in the fellow nurses as well. People who didn’t call her “m’lady” despite their lack of title. They laughed and used coarse vocabulary around her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen was helping out in the hospital as well, and Allie found it oddly comforting with how close they’ve become. They still hadn’t become the best of friends, but they both understood the value of hard work.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Right now, Allie was working with one of her favorite patients so far. Officer Blake was a young man with an injury in his spine. Dr. Clarkson was sure he would never move his legs again, but that never ruined Blake’s attitude.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie had to spend a long time cleaning him up every day due to his lack of mobility. Some officers would get embarrassed, but not Blake. He would smile and say, “Come on Nurse Pressman, I feel you should at least buy me dinner first before you see what’s under my shirt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Usually Allie would clap back with a remark but today she was a little distracted. She had had a fight with her mother last night. Her mother thought they were working her too hard and was complaining about the infrequency that Allie would make dinner. But she thought that was preposterous. There were bigger things than fancy dinners.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is everything alright, Nurse Pressman?” Blake said with his usual easy going smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie shook her head and continued cleaning his legs, “Nothing to bother you with.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, come on,” he pressed, “I’m dreadfully bored here. Was it something with your beau?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie rolled her eyes, “No. How many times do I have to tell you there is no beau before it sinks in?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Probably until you say it convincingly,” he said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Haha,” She deadpanned, “Alright, I’m going to flip you over now,” Allie said and he nodded. Mustering all of her strength, she flipped him so he lay on his stomach. She lifted the back of his gown to clean his back. The scarring had mostly healed, but the bruises along his lower back and up his spine were still horrible. She remembered when he first came in. His back had pieces of shrapnel still embedded in it. Allie’s hand wouldn’t stop shaking when she helped the doctor with them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you written to your mother, yet?” Allie asked to change the subject. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” his voice was muffled by the pillow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have to tell her eventually.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, and how would that letter go? Hullo Mam, I know you wanted plenty of grandchildren but I’m afraid to say that the only son you’ve got left has gone lame.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie stopped her work and looked down, “Don’t say that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A beat went by before he sighed, “I’m sorry. You’re right. I have to write to her some day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can help you with that if you’d like?” Allie suggested, “We can do it after I come back from my lunch break.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not letting this go, are you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not a chance.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she was done and walked to the other side to freshen up, one of the nurses called Olivia came up next to her, “How’s Officer Blake?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, he’s doing well,” Allie said and snuck a glance to where he was reading, “I think he might be able to get transferred to a convalescent home soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Olivia nodded then leveled a stare, “Don’t let yourself get too attached. It’s a mistake too much of us make in our first couple of weeks.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie raised an eyebrow, “I’m not too attached.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Olivia nodded but it was obvious she didn’t believe her, “Alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’m going to take my lunch break now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The hospital was in disarray when Allie came back for her shift the next day. Dr. Clarkson and Olivia were gathered around a bed and she was overwhelmed with worry when she realized whose bed it was. She ran over to their side and faltered when she saw Officer Blake seizing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my, what </span>
  <em>
    <span>happened</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Allie cried as she helped Olivia hold him sideways.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Must’ve been a brain hemorrhage from his injury,” Dr. Clarkson was looking at his watch counting the minutes of the seizure when Blake stopped. He felt his neck and panicked, “His heart stopped working.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie and Olivia dropped him so Dr. Clarkson could start CPR. Allie watched in horror as the minutes ticked by and Blake didn’t breathe again. She had seen other officers die before but this…this was something different.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t stand by and watch when Dr. Clarkson called time of death. She left the hospital and leaned at the wall by the door. She buried her face in her hands and collapsed into sobs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>dead</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He had been laughing with her not even an hour ago and now he was dead. He had told her about his mother and how she had lost </span>
  <em>
    <span>four sons</span>
  </em>
  <span> due to this stupid war. And now she had lost one more. How many mothers wept over their dead sons over this? How many more would have to suffer?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie wiped her face with the back of her hand and took a deep breath. She had to get back to work. She had to lessen the suffering for those she could. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was war. She had no time to waste.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Her mother kept being adamant about her heading up for dinner, and with a long sigh, Allie was eventually forced to change her shifts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She walked up to the house in her work outfit, being forever thankful that she wore comfortable shoes instead of the usual heels she wore before the war. She took off her cap and brushed back some loose strands from her braid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sun had set in the horizon and the sky had already darkened to a dim violet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie heard some distant sniffling and frowned. She looked around in the source, squinting her eyes to see better in the growing darkness. She caught a huddled figure sitting on one of the benches.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She walked a couple steps closer before she recognized her, “Elizabeth?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The girl looked up with wide eyes. She wiped her face with the hand that wasn’t clutching a piece of paper tightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie quickly sat next to her and took her hand, “Elizabeth, what’s the matter?” A horrible thought came to her when she saw the letter in her hand. “Is it Harry?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth shook her head and sniffed again, “It’s Eddie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie frowned. Eddie? She didn’t know an ‘Eddie’. “You mean Lord Edward? Lord Albert’s boy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was a young boy, a year or so above Elizabeth’s age. Allie never knew much of him but he had seemed nice enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth nodded. She looked away into the distance, “He enlisted early. Lied about his age. I warned him not to, but he didn’t listen,” she gave a cold laugh, “who would when the government says all boys are cowards unless they’re running off to get themselves killed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip and brushed her thumb on the back of her hand, “Lizzie…is he the boy who’s been sending you all those letters?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth turned to look at her with glassy eyes. She nodded and took in a harsh breath, “I loved him, Allie…a-and n-now he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>dead</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She collapsed into sobs and Allie pulled her close. She comforted her with quiet whispers and brushed Elizabeth’s hair softly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie felt her own eyes start to water but no tears streamed down her cheeks. She had been hardened over the past couple months. She’d seen so much death at the hospital. And for what? She couldn’t even remember why Great Britain entered the war in the first place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stayed there until Elizabeth’s sobs calmed into hiccups. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night, when Allie was about to go to bed, she did something she never did. She prayed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elizabeth’s sobs had inflamed the ever-present worry inside of her. Allie would receive letter after letter that some friend of hers was dead, and her biggest fear was that one day the letter would have Harry's name written on it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes it seemed like all the boys she’d ever danced with were dead. But she refused to let Harry join them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So she went on her knees and she prayed.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>June 1918</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The hospital was overrun with patients and it was starting to become a problem. Allie thought it was a shame that they couldn’t help people past their most immediate injuries but Dr. Clarkson insisted there was no room for men to convalesce.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was Karen who came up with the idea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Downton Abbey? A convalescent home? That’s a ridiculous idea,” Violet protested immediately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Allie asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were all gathered by the fire of the Drawing Room, Luke and Pfeiffer passed around drinks as they all sat in the couches.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because this is a house, not a hospital,” Violet said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But a convalescent home is where people rest and recuperate,” Elizabeth helped explain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But what if there are relapses?” Violet countered, “Amputation in the dining room?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It would certainly be the most tremendous disturbance,” Amanda agreed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen took a seat next to Amanda and pleaded with her, “But when there is so much good to be done—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Violet banged her cane against the floor and everyone stared. She looked livid, “I forbid it!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Amanda took a deep breath and glared at her, “May I remind you that this is my house now, James’ and mine, and we will make the decision.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie’s eyes widened and she looked away to hide a smirk. Her mother rarely snapped at Granny like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shared a look with Karen and they both seemed to be having the same thought; this discussion was going much further than they both initially expected. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They eventually accepted. Downton was in great chaos for the next couple of days. Rooms were cleared to fill with beds. The Library became a recreation room with a ping pong table. The Great Hall was filled with tables to be used as a dining room for the officers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a great battle between Karen and Amanda as they decided what went where and all logistics. Elizabeth was following her mother around and fulfilling any requests her mother asked to be done. Sam seemed to be very excited at the prospect of helping as well, and Allie was excited for him too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Soon enough, Downton Abbey was filled with officers. It was quite a hassle trying to get them all settled in. Allie had just finished helping an officer with an injury in his right leg get settled in his bed when someone touched her arm, “I’m sorry, but I can’t—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She faltered when she saw Harry’s grinning face looking down at her. She gasped and pulled him into a hug, “What in the world are you doing here? You didn’t tell me you were coming.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he said into her hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie let herself enjoy his warm embrace for a couple more seconds before forcing herself to pull away. Her hands came to rest at his chest, “How long are you staying?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A couple days.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie’s heart soared at the prospect. She looked over her shoulder guiltily, “I have to work now. We can celebrate your homecoming later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smirked and looked her up and down in her nurse’s outfit, “Of course. I wouldn’t want to impede on your duties, Nurse Pressman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She smiled and pushed against his chest, “You’re an idiot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tipped his soldier’s cap at her, “It’s Captain, actually.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie rolled her eyes and walked away to help other officers. She had missed him so much. She looked over her shoulder to chance a glance at him, just to make sure that she hadn’t imagined him. He was staring after her and he smirked when he caught her eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked away quickly and felt her face heat up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Idiot</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She had to focus on her work.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Harry watched Allie work for a couple more moments. She looked so determined and focused as she helped the officers get settled. He always knew she would save the world, he was simply glad that he was here to see her in action. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With one last smile, he let himself search for his mother and sister instead. He found his sister first. Lizzie was flipping through a couple of books and setting them aside on a wooden table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me,” he said in his most serious voice, “can you point me towards the dining room. I’m famished.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Luncheon will be served—” She looked up and her eyes widened. She had grown up so much since he last saw her. It seemed that every time he came back she looked more and more like a woman. Well, she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>seventeen</span>
  </em>
  <span> now. She laughed and hugged him tightly, “What brings you here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled away to grin down at her. No matter how much she grew he would always remain taller, “I managed to get leave for a couple of days.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m so happy you’re here,” She said and pressed a kiss to his cheek.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too,” he said. He looked over the books she was handling, “what’s that all for?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lizzie shrugged, “Just sorting through some books that were requested from the officers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry smiled slightly. Lizzie always loved doing small things for people like remembering their favorite tea or giving them small gifts that were personal. He always thought she and Allie were alike in that manner. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He still couldn’t help himself from teasing her. He was her brother after all, “Make sure not to get too cozy with the officers, huh? I know you aren’t used to having all these men around the house but you’re still too young for all that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lizzie scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Please. These are </span>
  <em>
    <span>officers</span>
  </em>
  <span> not men as far as I’m concerned.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He patted her cheek with a smile, “Atta girl.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something changed in her eyes. They turned…melancholic. She pulled him down for another hug, “I’m simply really glad you’re here, Harry.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He understood what she meant by ‘here.’ She meant ‘alive.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m really glad I’m here too.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Luke!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena ignored all propriety and ran over to give him a hug. She wasn’t a lady after all, and she wouldn’t pretend to be. If she wanted to hug her sweetheart in public she </span>
  <em>
    <span>would.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hugged her back tightly. Luke had returned from his training for one last visit. He was to be shipped off to his regiment in a couple days. He had already become a constant name in her prayers, Helena didn’t know how she would handle him being out in the front for real.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her hands raised to cup his cheeks as they pulled apart. She gave him a brilliant smile, “I missed you so much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A bell rung and Helena almost cursed as she caught the name on the board, “I have to go back to work.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Luke nodded, “Don’t worry. I’ll see you later, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course,” She chanced a look around to see that they were truly alone and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He blushed and she grinned, already pulling away. She walked quickly down the hall and caught Lexie giving her a dirty look. Whatever. She didn’t really care for her opinion anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rushed up the servant’s stairs to Lady Allie’s room. She was meant to get her ready for dinner now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena walked in to Lady Allie examining a light blue dress in her hands. Lady Allie gave her a wide smile, “Good. You’re here. I was thinking of wearing this tonight. Harry’s back and I thought that warranted something special.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena smiled and nodded once, “Of course, m’lady. I’ll go draw your bath.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, Helena already knew about Mr. Bingham’s return. News like that rarely was a secret in Downton, where eyes watched from everywhere.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena was fixing up Lady Allie’s hair when the lady asked, “I heard Luke’s back as well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena nodded, “Just for a few days, m’lady. Then he’ll be shipped off to his regiment.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lady Allie’s expression softened, “Have you missed him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lady Allie and Helena’s relationship had grown a lot over their years together. On some days, Helena was even bold enough to consider them friends. Lady Allie was also one of the few who really knew the true extent of her relationship with Luke; she had figured it out all by herself. Helena didn’t mind her knowing, it was nice to have someone ‘rooting for them’ so to speak.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena blinked slightly to rid herself of tears before they could form, “I did. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lady Allie gave her a sad smile, “Yes…I’m sure you will. But at least he’s here now.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena had a sense that she wasn’t just talking about Luke, “Yes, he is.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie spent so much time in her nurse’s outfits these days covered in grime and blood that she sometimes forgot what it felt like to be clean and </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t mind though, both those states were good for different things. For now, she wanted to feel beautiful. This dress certainly did the trick. It was a light blue, she liked it because it brought out her eyes, with a detailed lace over the front. She had a white-blue evening gloves that went above her elbows to match. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She walked into the Drawing Room feeling a little more nervous than usual for some reason. Her eyes swept the room and she caught Harry and Sam in a conversation. She grabbed a drink from the tray Pfeiffer was carrying and walked over to join in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry grinned when he saw her and she smiled back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So what are we talking about?” With the glass in her hand, she couldn’t sign. But she spoke slowly enough that Sam could read her lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I was just telling Sam about the time I ran into Visser in the trenches. It was nice to see someone from Downton out there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie raised her eyebrows. This was the first she was hearing about this. Her eyes drifted to watch Sam’s expression. He was hiding a smile behind his glass and his eyes were twinkling. Allie could see the relief he was feeling at any news or story about Grizz.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can imagine,” she said with a smirk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s eyes were filled with thoughts as he signed, “If you’ll excuse me for a moment.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie watched him go, wishing there was something she could say. She could talk to him later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She faced Harry again with a smile. She still couldn’t believe he was here. “Is it weird being back?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shrugged, “A little. Sometimes it feels like my life at Downton was some distant dream.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked at him for a long moment before asking, “How is it out there?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His face visibly fell. His eyes glazed over with memories she couldn’t begin to imagine. His voice took over new tone when he spoke, “I…can’t really talk about it. It’s just…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course,” Allie interrupted. She shouldn’t have asked. It had been insensitive to bring up those memories, “I’m sorry forget I said anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His face shifted again and his lips quirked up slightly, “It’s alright, don’t worry about it. So, how has it been being a nurse?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She saw that question for what it was: an attempt to change the subject. But she took it, “It’s spectacular. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before, Harry. Out there I’m working and it’s hard and I come home feeling exhausted but it’s so satisfying to know that that exhaustion came from something good. I feel like my entire life I’ve been waiting for something like this, an opportunity to do well and make an impact. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’ll stop now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head with a smile, “Don’t apologize. I like it when you talk about things you’re passionate about. Your eyes get all bright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gave an awkward laugh and looked down to hide her warm cheeks. He couldn’t say things like that, especially when she was trying every day to bury her feelings for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think you could get the day off tomorrow?” Harry asked, making her look up again, “I thought we could spend the day together. Maybe go out into the grounds like we used to when we were kids.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie smiled. There was nothing in the world she would like more. “I think I can talk to Dr. Clarkson. I’ll see what I can do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded casually but she could see the eagerness in his face. She understood that completely: the need to feel things like they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>before. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she had a job now, and she couldn’t ignore her responsibilities. However, Dr. Clarkson and Karen always told her about how she needed to slow down so maybe they would finally let her take a breather. She needed the comfort of the past as well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The dinner was a lively event filled with laughter and loud conversation. Karen beamed with pride at her son every time he spoke and Elizabeth would lean over to grab his hand with a smile every once in a while. Allie couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with joy as well. Harry was </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He kept looking over at her more than usual. His lips quirked up every time their eyes met. It made something inside of Allie ache. She always looked away first.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Helena finally managed to spend some alone time with Luke after she got Lady Allie ready for bed. They met outside the servant’s entrance. The night provided a darkness that shielded and emboldened them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She kissed him as she clung to him tightly. She felt like every single interaction between them was a countdown to their final moments and it filled her with despair. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please Lord, don’t take him from me. Not when I just got him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled away to rest his forehead against hers, “Helena…” he gave a laugh, “I still can’t believe this is real. After all this time…”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you better believe it,” she pulled further away so he could see her smile, “Because I love you, Luke Holbrook.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His thumb stroked her cheek and he stared into her eyes for a couple more moments. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is it</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Helena thought. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The way you look at me…it’s like you see who I can be, not just who I think I am. I want you looking at me like that forever.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Forever. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She smiled. She wanted that with him so badly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hands left her cheeks to reach for his necklace. Helena frowned slightly. That wasn’t what she was expecting. But then he pulled it out and she saw what lay in the chains. An army identity tag, and a ring. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena laughed and covered her mouth with her hands, “Yes!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He grinned, “I didn’t even ask, yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t care. Yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> a thousand times yes!” She wrapped her arms around his neck and practically jumped on him to pull him down for a kiss. He reciprocated easily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A thought occurred to her and she pulled apart to stare at him, “Wait…you were proposing right?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laughed and was already pulling her back in as he answered, “Yes!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena never thought a love so strong was in the cards for her. Now she lay in the embrace of a man who loved her and cherished her, it was more than she’d ever asked God for. She prayed it wouldn’t all slip through her fingers now that it was in her reach.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“It really is a beautiful day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie couldn’t help but agree. The sun was shining bright through the trees reminding them that it was Summer after all. She and Harry had gone down to the creek, the one she had pushed him in when they first met, but far enough that the waters were more shallow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie had taken off her shoes and let her feet rest in the cold water. She was getting her dress slightly wet but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry was laying on the grass to her left. They had both brought books, but neither of them had spent much time reading. They mostly talked and talked, filling hours with conversation that always seemed to come easy for them. They didn’t talk about the war, something about this place was too bright for such dreary subjects.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you ever keep thinking about the past, Allie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie wiggled her toes underneath the water, “Sometimes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think about it all the time,” Harry picked a daisy from the ground beside him, “I think about when I was just a boy, the things I would’ve done differently.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry looked at her for a moment before shrugging and facing the sky, “I don’t know…I think I would’ve stood up to my father…or Campbell. I let fear ruin my life for too long.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie looked back at him. His face looked deadly serious and his voice sounded so mature. Whatever happened in the front it was making a harder man out of Harry. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He cleared his throat and faced her again, “What about you? Anything you would do differently?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip and thought of her years as a mischievous child. She didn’t regret any actions she had taken. She always believed her mistakes made her who she was today. Her eyes met his and she was struck with one thing she would’ve done, or said, differently. But again…it didn’t matter now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“None that I can think of,” She said looking down at the passing water. She looked up at the sun shining down right above them, “We should be getting back. We have to get ready for dinner soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded and sprung to his feet. He offered her a hand to help her up and she took it. She straightened and he offered her the daisy in between his fingers, “For you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was struck with a feeling of deja-vu. A time when they were both children and he questioned why flowers had meaning and he offered her the daisy in between his fingers. She still remembered what she said they meant: I love you truly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her breath hitched as she stared at the daisy hesitantly. Did he remember as well? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gave a small laugh when she didn’t take the daisy and reached up to slide it into her hair, “Here. For safekeeping.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rolled her eyes and gave a nervous laugh. She had to stop putting meaning into things that meant nothing, “Let’s just go.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“You’re engaged?!” Allie gasped. She reached over to look at the ring on Helena’s hand. It was simple but still beautiful, “I love it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She pulled her maid into a hug with a smile. Despite their difference in status, she considered Helena a friend, “I’m so happy for you.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena gave her the brightest smile Allie had ever seen her give, “Thank you, m’lady.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do hope you get to enjoy it. When does he go to the front?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena’s face fell and Allie cursed herself. She shouldn’t have brought that up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He goes tomorrow, m’lady.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie reached for her hands and gave them a reassuring squeeze, “He’ll be alright, Helena.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena’s eyes shifted, “No offense, m’lady, but only the Lord can make such promises.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie nodded, “You’re right, of course,” she sighed, “I’m still happy for you. It’s something good to hold on to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena smiled, “Yes, it is.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span> Allie had to work the next day, so Harry spent the day with Lizzie and his mother. They sat out in the grounds, but unlike Harry and Allie who hid in the trees, they decided to sit out in the grass and have a picnic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lizzie had her head on his lap. Her eyes were closed and her breaths had deepened from her nap. He played with some loose strands of her dark hair with a smile. He really had missed her so much. There was nothing in life like the love of a sibling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His mother looked up from her book, “She’s been having a hard time since Eddie died. But working at Downton has been good for her. The officers love her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry smiled, “I can imagine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hadn’t known too much about Lizzie’s beau, but he mattered to her and that was enough for him. He wished he’d been here to console her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked over at his mom, “What about you? How have you been doing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” Karen set her book down with a small smile, “It’s nice to be working again. I didn’t know how much I missed it until I stepped back into it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He told her something he thought she needed to hear, but was also very true, “I’m proud of you, Mama.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She beamed in a way he’d never seen before. She reached over to brush back some curls from his forehead, “I’m proud of you too, Harry. You’ve become a better man than me and your father  could’ve ever imagined.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thought of the blood that wouldn’t come off from underneath his nails no matter how hard he scrubbed. He thought of the men collapsing under his gun fire. He thought of all the men he’d laughed and joked around with only to have them die the next day. He just couldn’t bring himself to believe her words. But he thanked her anyways. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You deserve a woman as good and dedicated as you. You don’t have to shy away from love simply because you’re afraid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She cocked her head as if she couldn’t believe he was being so obtuse, “It’s time you let Allie know how much you care for her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe if she had said this a couple years before, Harry would’ve denied this completely. But the war had happened and Harry didn’t find any good anymore in hiding the truth to protect his pride. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head and looked away, “She doesn’t love me back, Mother. There’s no use.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re wrong. You’re also being foolish. This is war, Harry. If anything happens to you, God forbid, could you honestly tell me you would leave this earth peacefully without ever telling her how you feel?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t respond. She stared at him for a couple more moments before returning to her book. She seemed content to let him sit with her words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Karen made it seem so easy. As if telling your best friend since you were a child that you loved them was ever an easy task. He had almost said it several times, but every time he tried to hint his true feelings she would get all awkward and brush him off. Maybe it was her trying to reject him without actually having to say it. He simply didn’t know. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lizzie stirred awake and he snapped out of his thoughts to grin down at her, “Morning sunshine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s 5 p.m,” Karen said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lizzie rubbed her eyes and sat up, “Did I miss anything?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing at all,” Harry answered.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie buried her nails into her palms to hold back her tears as Harry said goodbye to everyone. They were once again out by the lawn, the entire staff was filed out to wish him farewell. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James patted him on the back as they hugged, “Good luck, son.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ever since Harry’s father had died, it seemed James felt more and more responsible over him. Allie knew this was killing him as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Harry turned to Sam he offered him a thick envelope, “It’s full of some poems I wrote. They’re not very good but I wanted you to have a copy of them with you.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry looked at the envelope as if it was something sacred and stepped forward to bring Sam into a tight hug. Sometimes Allie thought that Harry and Sam had become more brothers than Sam and Campbell had ever been.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, Harry turned to her. She tried to keep a straight face as he walked towards her, “Is everything ready for you in the front.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry looked at her as if he knew this was just a front but he answered anyways, “Almost. I seem to be short of a soldier servant.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something inside of Allie’s head clicked, “You should take Luke, our footman, with you. I think it would bring him some comfort to have a familiar face. I could get Papa to pull some strings.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He considered the idea for a couple moments and then nodded, “Sure. I can’t promise I’ll keep him safe though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. It might ease some of Helena’s worries though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He bit his lip, as if he was seriously considering something when he said it, “Come with me. To the station, I mean.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie blinked, a bit thrown. But it meant more time without having to say goodbye, “Of course.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They rode in silence. Both of them looked out the window as the heaviness of the moment seemed to weigh in on them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Words didn’t exactly feel right at the moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So about halfway through, Allie reached over and took his hand. She panicked for a moment at her bold action, scared that he would move his hand away and think she was mad, but not even seconds later he interwove his fingers with hers and squeezed. She turned her head more towards the window to hide her smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wanted this to last forever and she dreaded the moment their drive would come to a stop. She felt like a child holding on to a firefly inside a glass jar. She wanted to bottle this moment up and keep it like that forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, they eventually pulled up to the station and Allie’s heart sunk to her feet. He was leaving again. He was leaving to go fight in something that could </span>
  <em>
    <span>kill him. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He let go of her hand when they stepped out of the car but before she could get too sad about losing his touch, he grabbed her hand again as soon as he returned to her side. Her heart still felt like stone but she smiled at him and he smiled back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They didn’t say anything as they made their way up the station. Smoke curled around their feet as they got closer and closer. She stared at the red train as if it were some great monster taking Harry from her. She turned to face Harry to say something when he pulled her close by their interlocked hands and kissed her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She held her breath and her eyes widened in shock. But then her brain caught up with what was happening, and she brought her free hand up to his neck to bring him closer. He let go of her hand to wrap his arms around her back and she curled into him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She kept kissing him even though she felt like her heart would burst. She loved him </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much.</span>
  </em>
  <span> How could she ever have thought she’d gotten over him? No, she wouldn’t ever recover from this. This was a love for the ages. A love that comes once in a lifetime. This was a sweet love, a kind love, a passionate love, an </span>
  <em>
    <span>unforgettable</span>
  </em>
  <span> love. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They pulled away to breathe each other in. But then almost as if he couldn’t help himself, he pressed his lips against hers one more time. Allie gave a laugh in disbelief when he pulled away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One of his hands reached up to cup her cheek, “I don’t think I could ever leave this earth peacefully without doing that at least once.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her brain was in disarray but thankfully her sass never failed her, “Don’t think this makes it alright for you to die on us now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His nose brushed hers and he grinned, “I’ll try not to, my lady.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The train sounded and Allie swore she had never heard an uglier sound. Her fingers tightened around his neck and she whispered, “Don’t go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes looked pained as he pulled away, “You know I don’t have a choice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie wanted to scream and yell and fight because now that she knew what it was like to have him, she wasn’t ready to lose him. But it wasn’t fair to him so she kissed him one last time and pulled away. She kept her eyes on the ground and brushed her eyes with her hand to stop any tears. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” He lifted her face with a finger. His face looked softer yet more determined than she’d ever seen before, “This isn’t a goodbye. This isn’t the last of us. I just know it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip and nodded. He cupped her face to kiss her one last time and then quickly made his way into the train. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time, Allie didn’t manage to hold in her tears until she got home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>August 1918</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie didn’t tell anyone but Sam about her kiss with Harry. Part of it was because it was so new and she wasn’t even sure what it meant, especially with him out in the front. They’d only kissed. It didn’t mean he was as in love with her as she was with him. She didn’t want to tell Cassandra or her mother something she didn’t completely understand herself. Sam only knew because she’d cried in his arms the moment she’d gotten home and told him everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The other reason was that she was simply so busy, that she honestly didn’t have that much time to contemplate it. It’s not that he wasn’t on her mind, because he was. The worry she felt for him became almost an afterthought in everything she did. But the hospital was so busy these days that her mind was kept occupied in a way that didn’t allow for that worry to grow further. She was grateful for that. She was sure that if she stopped even for a moment the feeling would grow until it consumed her completely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She became so immersed in her work that she completely forgot her birthday was coming up until she received a letter from Becca telling her she was coming to Downton for a couple of weeks to celebrate it with her. Allie was happy to have her; Becca still remained one of her dearest friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra was coming down as well and Allie was glad for an opportunity to check in on her sister. She sounded distracted every time she called and her letters while they maintained the same length, they had become vague and slightly evasive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie still couldn’t believe that she was turning</span>
  <em>
    <span> twenty three. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Part of her felt that she wasn’t ready for such an age when another felt like she should have been in her thirties with everything she’d lived through these past couple years. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To stack even more on her plate, they would host a concert for the soldiers a couple days before her birthday. They had even convinced her and Cassandra to perform something together. Allie would sing and Cassandra would play the piano. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A letter came the day before Becca arrived. Allie had to wait to read it in private since she knew she would grow too emotional to act casual.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>My dearest Allie,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s been too long already, and I miss you more with every day that passes. I write to you with the most splendid news. The army has given me, and Luke as well, leave in a couple of weeks, just in time for me to make your birthday. Part of me wanted to make it a surprise, but another told me that we could all use some good news times like these. I hope to be there the day of the concert for the soldiers. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll see you soon.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours truly,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Allie pressed the letter against her chest and took several deep breaths to try and recollect herself. He had said they would see each other again, but she didn’t really dare dream of their reunion. It felt like tempting faith. But now, he was coming so soon. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie wiped her eyes and folded the letter back up. She walked over to her vanity and opened a small ornate box. She kept all her most prized possessions in there: mostly letters, her grandmother’s necklace, and now an old, wrinkled daisy. The flower was all yellow and most of the petals had fallen off but she couldn’t bring herself to throw it away. She slipped the letter inside and closed the box. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had to get ready for dinner.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Sam waited outside on the gravel for Becca. It was just him since Allie couldn’t miss work. The rest of the family was also extremely busy running Downton, so the usual big welcome party including the staff was spared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt weird not to have Allie at his side cracking one joke or another. But she was so busy these days he’d gotten used to her absence. It was one of the reasons why he was so excited for Becca’s arrival. He was glad for some company. Maybe it would distract him from the crushing worry he felt over Grizz.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The car pulled around and Sam grinned. Becca came out soon enough, stylish as ever in a purple dress with a matching hat. It made her dark hair stand out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gave him a smile when her eyes met his. Without any introduction, she rushed over to hug him tightly. Sam buried his head in her shoulder and clung to her as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She pulled away and looked around, “Where’s Allie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She had to work,” he signed back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Becca rolled her eyes, “Of course she did. How dare she prioritize the lives of dying men over my arrival?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shrugged, “I have no idea.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Becca laughed and signed before linking her arm with his, “Aren’t you going to offer me some tea? The journey was rather tiring and it’ll take a while before Elle unpacks my things.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Elle. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sam had almost forgotten about her. But that was right, she did work as Becca’s maid now. Allie would be happy to see her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How is Elle?” Sam asked when they settled themselves in the Little Library. There was a partition between them and the officer’s recreation room on the other side. But with BSL, they had no fear of being overheard, “Has she heard about Campbell?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Becca nodded, “Yes, I told her. I have to admit, she looked rather relieved at the news. I think part of her always assumed he would come back to harm her further.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t blame her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam had to admit something was </span>
  <em>
    <span>different </span>
  </em>
  <span>about Becca. Her wild spirit seemed more contained. She would sometimes zone out for a couple moments, as if her mind would drift off to other places. After she barely paid attention to his story about Amanda’s breakdown the other day, he finally snapped and asked her if something was wrong.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She jumped and looked over to the partition. He had to assume the soldiers were being particularly rowdy. She swept a hand over her face, looking very tired all of a sudden.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we go somewhere more private?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam frowned. It’s not like anyone could hear what they were saying. But he nodded and led her out to the grounds anyway. Every corner in the house seemed to have one servant or another. The only form of guaranteed privacy was out by the fields with no one around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A cold, autumn breeze swept over them and Becca hugged herself by instinct. He was about to suggest they go back inside when she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rushed forward to grab her shoulders and spoke out loud, “What’s wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She blinked up at him and said something without signing. He frowned. She couldn’t have said what he thought she said. Maybe he’d just read her lips wrong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pardon?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After a couple moments, she opened her eyes and signed to him the words he’d been afraid to hear, “I’m pregnant.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His arms dropped from the shoulders. He couldn’t believe it. Well, he could. Becca had never been one to follow the rules of propriety. He did what he always did when in an uncomfortable situation: he cracked a joke, “Well, that’s a relief. I thought you’d gotten some breast fillers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t even smile, “That’s not funny.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” he let his easy-going smile drop, “Who’s the father?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her face went from solemn to livid. Her eyes burned into him as she signed, “You won’t ask me that question ever again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t understand why she was so angry but he nodded. He would respect her wishes especially in a dire situation such as this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Sam,” Her eyes became glassy and it only filled him with even more worry. Becca never cried, “I’m ruined. I’m an unmarried woman who’s expecting a baby. My parents will disown me. I don’t know what to do.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shh, it’s okay,” he said out loud and pulled her into a hug. He brushed his hand up and down her back as she cried against his neck. He loved her so much. Becca was practically family. They had grown up together, laughed together, cared for each other. He could take care of her with this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled apart to face her, “We can get married and say the baby is mine. It’ll be rushed and might raise a couple eyebrows, but it won’t be enough to ruin you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes widened and she shook her head, “I can’t ask you to do that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to,” He smiled, “We’ll be an even better married couple than most of them. We never fight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But Sam…I can’t deprive you of spending the rest of your life with someone you love.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam was filled with shame when Grizz came up in his mind for the first time that night. He loved him, that was true. If he could, he would spend the rest of his life with him. They would get married in a nice little chapel. Have a nice house with a great garden that Grizz could tend to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But even if Sam didn’t marry Becca, he and Grizz would never have that. Marriage wasn’t in the cards for them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> When he looked into Becca’s desperate eyes, he saw there was no decision to make. He had to do what was right for his friend. Even if it cost him everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I do love you, Becca. Maybe not in the way couples usually love each other, but it’s still love. I promise you, I would make you and your baby so happy. We would live so well together.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could see some of Becca’s skepticism fade, “Are you sure you want to do this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam took a deep breath and looked back at Downton. He saw stolen moments with Grizz and all the letters he kept hidden safely. All they would ever have was in the shadows anyway. Society had made sure of that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“You’re insane!” Allie yelled at him as she signed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam turned his back on her to slide his new (and also third) copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Les Misérables</span>
  </em>
  <span> on his shelf. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turned back to her with a straight face, “I’m not. I thought this through.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you?” Allie glared at him. She was still in her nurse’s outfit since she only got back half an hour ago. She was expecting to say hello to her longtime friend. What she wasn’t expecting was to return to find Becca newly engaged to her cousin. “What about Grizz? You </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> him, Sam.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s face hardened, “I do. But it’s not like we could ever get married ourselves. We’re not you and Harry. When we walk down the street holding hands people </span>
  <em>
    <span>kill us.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie hated that he was right. She hated that the world couldn’t accept it when two people loved each other despite their genders. That still didn’t mean this engagement was right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not enough of a reason to marry someone you don’t love.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right. Becca’s pregnant. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> why I’m marrying her. I can protect her reputation.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie put her hand over her forehead. This was a lot of information to process. Something still didn’t sit right for her. This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> and rushed and he wasn’t thinking. He hadn’t even told Grizz yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There are other ways. She can go with her aunt in France and have her baby in secret. It’s been done plenty of times before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shook his head, “She wants to keep it. This is the only way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your parents don’t even know yet!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They never thought I’d get married. And now that Campbell’s dead, they’ll be glad to have an heir.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie could barely recognize the man in front of her. He was speaking so flippantly about something so serious. This was something he couldn’t take back. It was signing himself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. She raised her chin and met him with a hard stare, “I don’t agree with this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it’s not your decision to make. I’m going to Ripon tomorrow to take out a special license and fix the day. This is happening.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that he brushed past her and left her standing flabbergasted in his room.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Allie never fought with Sam. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ever</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Sure, they would have ‘disagreements’ when he would sneak a bit of her desert. But the closest they’d ever gone to fighting was the time they found out about Campbell’s death. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie hadn’t spoken to him in four days. It felt wrong not to be in good terms with her cousin. But she stood by her points: this was wrong.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was still civil with Becca. Allie didn’t blame her. She was simply pregnant and scared and Sam had offered her a solution. Of course she would take it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam came to talk to her when Allie was working. She didn’t look up from where she was cleaning the officer’s wound. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam spoke out loud, “We’re getting married tomorrow. Down at the Ripon registry at around 10 a.m. Nothing special. I do hope you come. It would mean a lot to both of us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie froze for a moment. This was really happening. Maybe she should just accept it. But then reason caught up with her and she continued her work and refused to acknowledge him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She heard him sigh and walk away.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Becca looked out into the distance with a solemn expression. The only hint of her anxiety was the bite of her lip. She looked beautiful in a light blue dress. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam sighed, “Maybe we should just go inside. She’s not coming.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shook her head, “We can wait just a little longer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam didn’t want her to get her hopes up. Allie was extraordinarily stubborn. He loved his cousin but the look of disappointment in her face…he wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t come. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Becca’s face brightened, “There she is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam snapped his head to the street to watch Allie run over to them. She was wearing a pink dress and a matching hat, but what caught Sam’s attention was the bouquet in her hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She faltered to a stop in front of them and gave them an awkward smile, “Hello.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You came,” Sam said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her expression softened, “How could I not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam grinned and pulled her into a hug with teary eyes. They would always be there for each other. No matter what.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They pulled apart and she gave him a lop-sided smile. She gave Becca the flowers, “Every bride needs a bouquet. The ivy and myrtle mean ‘good luck in a marriage.’”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Becca smiled and thanked her before hugging her as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With one last breath, Becca looked over at him expectantly, “Are you ready?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no doubt in his mind before he answered, “Always.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He offered her his arm and they walked in together as two loving friends. They walked out as husband and wife.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“He did </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Cassandra asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie could practically feel her mouth drop from down the phone. She smiled, “I know. You should’ve seen Mama and Papa’s expression when they came back and he told them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Priceless</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did Granny say?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, the usual condescending yet weirdly supportive comment.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh well, of course.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both laughed. Allie’s heart hurt with how much affection she held for her sister. She wondered if she could ever give pieces of herself to someone instead of giving her entire self. Allie could never love someone halfway; if she loved you she would love you wholeheartedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you all set for tomorrow? The recital is the next night and we desperately need to practice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, of course. I’ll be there by noon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra seemed like there was something else she wanted to say and Allie waited. Maybe she would finally tell her what was going on with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra cleared her throat, “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie tried not to feel disappointed, “Of course. See you then.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hung up the phone with a sigh.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“I am so glad you’re here,” Helena said as she squeezed Elle’s hand. The girl looked visibly better. Her cheeks were no longer hollow and color had returned to her face. Elle wore black now that Lady Becca had gotten married; she had turned into a proper Lady’s maid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too.” Elle looked around the Servant’s Hall and let her gaze rest on the entrance, “Part of me expects him to jump out of the shadows. It’s mad, I know. Rationally I know he’s dead, but I can’t seem to help it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think that’s normal,” Helena fingered her cross necklace, “This place represents plenty of bad memories for you too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elle’s eyes caught the ring on Helena’s finger and she grinned, “Luke finally proposed, eh? I swear part of me never thought he’d get the guts to do it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena laughed and examined the ring, “I know. I still can’t believe it myself. War changes people.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Elle’s face softened, “Have you any news of him?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Helena nodded, “Yes. He’s actually supposed to come in a couple of days. He and Captain Bingham managed to get leave.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s great news! I get to congratulate him in person then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Helena sighed, “I’m practically counting down the hours.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Cassandra, what’s the matter with you? You’ve played this song perfectly when you were </span>
  <em>
    <span>twelve</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra let her fingers slip from the keys and rubbed her eyebrows, “I’m sorry. I just have too much on my mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie refused a quip like </span>
  <em>
    <span>“obviously” </span>
  </em>
  <span>and simply sat down next to her sister on the bench. She lowered her voice to a whisper, “You can tell me. I’m rather good at keeping secrets.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra gave her a small smile, “I know you are. Do you promise you won’t tell anyone? Even Sam?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sighed and swept a look around the rooms with the officers, “I’ve been proposed to.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie’s eyes widened, “You have? By who?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra bit her lip, “By the doctor who helps me run the clinic. We’ve become quite good friends and he said he never would’ve dared before the war but things are changing now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you mean to take him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…I don’t know. I want to and maybe he’s right. The war </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> changing things and maybe after this I could even run for office. The world might be ready for a female MP.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It would mean a drastically different life, Cassandra. Are you ready for that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra looked up from the keys to stare her right in the eyes, “I am.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie squeezed her hands, “Then I can’t wait to meet him. Maybe I’ll go visit you in London sometime.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like that.” Something shifted in Cassandra’s expression and she groaned, “Oh, how am I going to tell Papa?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“One thing at a time, dear. For now, let’s try and get this song ready so we don’t embarrass ourselves in a room full of officers. My break ends soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cassandra laughed and nodded, “Fine. Get on your feet. We’ll take it from the top.”</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>As the hours wore by, Allie started to worry for Harry. He should’ve been here by now. She tried to distract herself by focusing on her shift. But by the time she was getting changed out of her work clothes, Allie’s fear was palpable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He promised he’d be there by the concert. He wouldn’t delay unless something was wrong. He’d promised her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie barely paid attention to the recital. The officer’s rowdy yells and applause were little more than a distant echo. All she could think about was Harry lying dead in a field in France. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie jumped when Becca lay a hand on her shoulder, “You’re up, Allie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded numbly and stood up the seat to stand by the piano. Cassandra frowned at her, probably wondering why Allie looked like she might pass out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hadn’t told anyone about Harry’s visit. She wanted it to be a surprise for the rest of them. That had been a mistake for she didn’t want to explain her worry then. She didn’t want to voice those words out loud lest it makes it real.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Allie cleared her throat and started to sing the song. It was a simple one that fit her voice. She wasn’t exactly an extraordinary singer. The song was about a loved one coming back, and Allie lifted her eyes towards the door. She could almost picture Harry walking in in his uniform with a small smile on his lips as if to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>how could you ever doubt me?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But what she saw was her father walk in with a solemn expression, a paper clutched in his left hand, probably a telegram. He met her eyes and her voice faltered slightly. That wasn’t the face of good news. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>, at that moment her father reminded her of the Angel of Death.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and you guys thought the last cliffhanger was bad hehe. I'm sorry, but like not really.</p>
<p>comments make me smile and you can come find me on tumblr at @ brazilianchild.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. what now?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey guys, it's been a while. I'm sorry this took so long, I had most of this chapter finished but then the society got cancelled and all my motivation to write went POOF. I invested a lot of time in this show (this show was the reason I started writing again and I'll forever be thankful) and to have all the hopes I had for several seasons be taken away so harshly just fucking sucked. I needed to distance myself from this show for a while to kind of grieve lmao.</p><p>But now, I finally got some motivation (and time like I just finished my move into uni!) and I finally managed to finish chapter 4! I really want to finish this fic cuz it means the world to me and I really wanted it to be epic. So don't worry, the final chapter will come eventually (how long that will take I have no idea). </p><p>But that's a worry for another time just enjoy this chapter cuz it's a BIG ONE!!!! I hope you guys enjoy!</p><p>The poem Silver of Hope that Sam wrote was actually written by my great friend (and amazing writer) Maria (focusonmyvoice on tumblr)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Allie. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Allie</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Are you listening to me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie didn’t even bother shaking her head. She simply stared ahead. Her mind was far away from this dusty library. In her head she was in France, near the cold hard dirt. She could practically hear the noise of the artillery shells ringing through her ears. She could see Harry getting hurt and collapsing to his knees. She could see Luke getting swept back from a hit near him and disappearing out of her sight. Grizz was nowhere in her visions. In her mind he was safe, somewhere far away from these deadly fields.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt Cassandra lightly grab her chin and turn her head to face her. Allie looked at her but she didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>see </span>
  </em>
  <span>her</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Harry was injured. He’d gotten hurt. How could she pay attention to Cassandra when that was all she could think about?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, my dearest. Papa will pull any strings he can to bring him home. We won’t let him get treated by strangers.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could see all the soldiers she had treated in the hospital. She thought of Officer Blake, and many others who had died under her watch. She wanted to throw up just at the thought of that happening to Harry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra lifted her up by her arms and Allie followed numbly. And then a thought came to her mind, “Has anyone told Helena, yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes finally focused and they swept the room to see their responses. Everyone—James, Amanda, Becca, Pfeiffer and even Sam—shook their heads.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do it, my lady,” Pfeiffer suggested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Allie protested weakly, “I should do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie walked very slowly down to the Servant’s Hall. She barely registered all the servants straightening up at the sight of her. Despite her cooking classes a while back, it was still unusual for someone like her to come down here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath and walked in the Servant’s Hall. Everyone scrambled up and she could only manage a light tilt of the lips in acknowledgement; she was too numb to smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Helena, may I speak to you in private for a moment?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena’s eyebrows came together slightly in confusion. But then something in Allie’s expression must’ve given her away because Helena’s face fell and her hands lifted to the cross around her neck. Allie didn’t think God could help her now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded slightly and let Allie lead her to a secluded corridor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, m’lady?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie looked her straight in the eye when she told her. Helena was her friend and she deserved to be told properly, “Papa received a telegram today. Apparently Harry was injured yesterday and Luke…Luke is currently marked as missing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena covered her mouth with her hand. Her ring glistened under the light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie took her other hand, “I’m so sorry, Helena. Papa is looking into everything he can to see what he can find.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena nodded with glassy eyes, her mouth still covered by her hand. Allie brought her in for a hug, and Helena finally broke into sobs. She clung to Allie as she cried into her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie let her maid cry and cry. She felt too numb to shed her own tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>August 20th 1918</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It was her birthday today but Allie didn’t care. Harry was being transferred to Downton. That was all that mattered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karen and Allie were both on duty when he arrived. Allie had had a big fight with Karen on whether she should treat him. Karen thought it would be too hard for her to treat someone she cared for, while Allie insisted that she would never forgive herself if she stood by instead of helping. Allie had eventually won when she pointed out that Karen herself would be involved and she was his </span>
  <em>
    <span>mother</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra came for support. The rest of the family was forced to stay up in the castle since Karen didn’t want too many people clogging up the hospital. Cassandra had been the only one convincing enough to come. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was standing to the side holding Cassandra’s hand, “He’s going to look pretty brutal. I’m going to have to clean him and that’s usually a gruesome process. I just wanted to warn you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra nodded quickly, “Alright. I’ll be here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie couldn’t manage anything but a small grateful smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dr. Clarkson was bossing the officers around that were carrying in the injured officers. Then Harry showed up and Allie’s heart stopped. He was laying down and wrapped in a green blanket. His face was pale and completely covered in grime but what troubled her were the bandages over his eyes. She knew what that meant; he’d been injured by mustard gas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The officers positioned him over a bed and Allie rushed to help them almost automatically. The man in front of her didn’t even look like the Harry she knew. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they settled him on the bed, she gently touched his shoulder, “Harry? Can you hear me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt like she could barely breathe when he didn’t answer. With his eyes covered and his face so white…he looked dead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s breathing but unconscious,” Karen confirmed. Allie didn’t know if she was saying that just for her sake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie reached for the paper tag on his blanket. They usually contained information on the injuries from the doctors who treated them on the front. Her suspicions were confirmed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does it say?” Cassandra asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was mustard gas. And…it says ‘probable permanent blindness.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blindness. Harry could be blind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath and picked up his folded uniform with trembling hands to set it on the chair, “I need to wash him now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karen reached down to brush a couple curls back from his forehead. She looked so heartbroken. What was she thinking right now with her son in this state? “I’ll help you with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie nodded and they cleaned him together. There was a lot of blood and they had to cut the clothes that he came in to properly wash him. His skin was bright red in most places and there were yellow blisters already showing on his neck and hands. Cassandra stood to the side with a hand covering her mouth.</span>
</p><p><span>Allie didn’t let herself feel;</span> <span>she couldn’t or she would break into pieces. This was simply another patient. Another officer. This wasn’t the boy with the special grins and the charming words. This wasn’t the boy who taught her how to dance or who was her first kiss. </span></p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath and cut the bandages around his eyes so she could clean them. She couldn’t even recognize him. His eyes were swollen shut, with blisters around the edges. There was some tearing around the corners and she cleaned them carefully. She gently lifted his head to replace the bandages and put them around his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She straightened and cleaned her hands on her uniform, “I’ll be right back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She walked straight out of the hospital and vomited right on the street. She felt someone pat her back gently and she heard Cassandra whispering in her ear, “It’s alright. Let it all out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t even register when she started crying. All she knew was that the world went blurry and she couldn’t breathe from the sobs that had replaced her heaving.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rested her head on Cassandra’s shoulders as she cried. She didn’t understand how everything could’ve gone so wrong? Harry might never see again. Luke was still missing. They were both supposed to be healthy and well and Harry was supposed to enjoy her birthday with her and they would dance and celebrate and now everything was so utterly </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra brushed away some strands of hair that had fallen out of her nurse’s cap, “We should get you home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie shook her head and wiped her mouth with the edge of her sleeve, “I have to go back.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Allie, you couldn’t possibly—”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have to,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Allie pleaded with her. Something in her voice must have convinced her because Cassandra nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you must.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes and took three deep breaths. She could do this. She had to do this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’m ready.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Allie stayed until Karen kicked her out of the hospital and Cassandra dragged her with her. She had worked all day since she came in the morning and hadn’t stopped until late at night. She had a day off the next day, so she had wanted to work as much as she could. She’d tried to convince them she was fine but Karen had told her “You won’t be any good to anyone if you drop to the floor from exhaustion” and Allie had to give in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elizabeth was visiting Harry the next day, as was James, Amanda and Cassandra. Allie wanted to go as well, but Karen warned her that if she stepped in the hospital during her day off she wouldn’t be allowed in ever again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam and Becca kept her company. She knew Sam also wanted to see him, but he had insisted that he was fine with staying with her. They sat in one of the benches out in the field. All of them reading their own respective books. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie couldn’t focus on what was on the page and at some point she gave up all pretense and set her book down to stare out in the field. She kept replaying her last encounter with Harry over and over in her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This isn’t a goodbye. This isn’t the last of us. I just know it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He should’ve known better than to make promises in the midst of war and she should’ve known not to believe him. But she did. And now he was lying unconscious in a hospital bed and she didn’t know if he would ever </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard yelling in the distance and for a couple moments, she thought it was her imagination. But then she saw Elizabeth running towards them and yelling her name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie stood up and yelled back, “What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then she realized where Elizabeth was running from and she was hit with a wave of fear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elizabeth slowed down and her chest raised up and down in pants, “It’s Harry. He’s awake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie let out the breath she was holding and looked down at Sam to catch Becca interpreting for him. His head snapped up towards Allie and she saw he shared her relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed her hand and they ran together to follow Elizabeth down to the hospital. Becca jogged considerably slower behind (she was still pregnant after all). Allie clutched Sam’s hand tightly with one hand and held her dress up with the other. She grinned even though her lungs protested at the exertion. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He was awake.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time they reached the hospital, several curls had fallen out from the perfectly placed pins in her hair. Her cheeks felt warm and she could barely catch her breath. She saw her family gathered around a bed and quickly made her way to greet them. She stopped at the foot of his bed and the first thing she noticed was the bandages were off and the swelling had gone down. The blisters around his eyes were still bad but she could see his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grinned and spoke between heavy breaths, “Hi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes flitted around the room and Allie froze at the unfocused glance that never landed on her, “Allie? Is that you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He couldn’t see her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She met Karen’s eyes and the woman gave her a sad smile and a quick nod. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie had seen cases of mustard blindness before. Some wore off up to fourteen days. Some didn’t. Allie couldn’t think of what would happen if it didn’t. Harry would be the exception. He always was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She forced a smile back on her face even though he couldn’t see and moved to sit on his bed and grab his hand, “Yes, it’s me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grinned and clung to her hand tightly, “Oh, thank Lord,” his smile wavered, “I wish I could see you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie had been trained not to give her patients false hope. But this was Harry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will,” she said firmly, “The blindness usually wears off after a couple days.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded but she could tell he didn’t believe her. His eyes were focused on a spot above her shoulder and Allie bit her lip to hold back a scream. She always loved the way he looked at her. And now that might be lost forever. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It wasn’t permanently lost yet. There was still hope.  And maybe she was a fool for clinging to that hope so tightly but it was the one thing keeping her sane at the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry let go of her hand to sign and speak, “Is Sam here?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tension swept over the room as they all came to the same realization. Sam was deaf. Harry was blind. They couldn’t directly communicate with each other anymore. Sam looked like he’d received a punch to the gut.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra was the one who broke the silence, “He’s here. So is Becca.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded, “Okay, good. I’m glad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dr. Clarkson interrupted them with a huff, “It is too crowded in here. All of you who don’t work here and aren’t on duty,” He added with a glare at Allie, “Please vacate the room. The man needs rest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all protested but eventually made their way out. Allie was about to move when he clung to her hand tighter, “Actually, could you stay? I wanted a moment alone with Allie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She realized he was sort of announcing it, as if he wasn’t sure who could hear him. Allie shared a glance with Sam and settled back in her spot, “Of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She waited until everyone else had left and then told him they were alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gave a sigh of relief and reached up with the hand not in hers as if searching for her face. She quickly reached up and guided his hand towards her cheek. His thumb brushed her cheekbone and she closed her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They breathed each other in for a couple of moments before he spoke in a low voice, “I’m sorry about ruining your birthday.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh God, don’t even think about that now,” she shook her head lightly, “It doesn’t matter. You’re here and alive. That’s all I care about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath and his eyes swept all over her face. He didn’t seem to know where to focus them, “I want you to be honest with me, Allie. Don’t lie or give me false hope. I want the truth. Do you think I will see again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie hesitated. She had condemned him earlier today for giving her a false promise, and now she couldn’t bring herself to not do the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> False hopes. False promises. They were such dangerous little things. But they were also sometimes the only thing stopping a person from collapsing into despair. And the worry on Harry’s face told her he would simply break down if she was honest with him. Maybe she also needed the false hope for herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>14 days. They would know for sure in 14 days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 3</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Karen and Allie had finally managed to convince Dr. Clarkson to let Harry stay at Downton for the rest of his treatment. He was relatively stable, and now all that needed to be done was the usual demands of a convalescent home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was excited to have him back home. She helped him up the entrance along with Karen and Elizabeth. The rest of the family was nowhere to be seen. Harry had insisted they shouldn't make a big fuss about his homecoming. Now, she could tell why he had been so adamant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was bizarre having to guide him up to the room he frequented since childhood. Harry kept a mask in place through it all. The only sign of frustration was a slight furrow of his brow when he tripped on a step.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had always been a confident man. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling to be so…dependent on others. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they arrived at his room, she walked over to the windows and opened the curtains to let the light in. Not that it mattered much to him, but it gave her some comfort to know that at least the room would be more lively.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned back to him and saw that he was tracing his bedpost with trembling fingers. Allie walked over and reached for his fingers almost on instinct. She had to distract him from this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could read you something if you'd like? Maybe go on for a walk after you've had some rest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She realized how limited their activities were now. There wasn't much he could do, and there was </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>he could do without assistance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face went pale and he pulled his hands from hers to take a seat on his bed, "I think I want to be alone for a little while."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie shared a look with Karen who looked as concerned as she felt. Harry didn't look anywhere near alright. She could tell there was something horrid going on his mind and she wished he would tell her so she could help.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karen cleared her throat, "Harry…you can't exactly be alone now. If something happens there needs to be someone around to aid you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll yell if I have to," he snapped, "Now leave me be."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Harry–" Allie started.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Please," </span>
  </em>
  <span>he pleaded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie bit her lip. This seemed dangerous. She didn't want to leave him when he obviously seemed disturbed. But Karen set a hand on her wrist and gave her a look that convinced her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright," Allie conceded, "But we'll come check in on you in an hour.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn't respond. He just lay back on the bed, shoes and all, with his eyes closed. She looked at him for a long time. She watched his breath grow shaky and his fists clench. Her eyes didn't leave him until Karen shut the door behind them.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Helena read over Luke's letters again. She had memorized every word. The corners of the paper were all wrinkled and yellowed. Her candle was running low and she had to bring the letter really close to be able to make the words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My dearest Helena,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I miss you so terribly. Out here isn't what I thought it would be like. I can't describe it…it's simply different. I think about you almost every moment of the day. I think our wedding should be something simple. Maybe we could even get married in the St. Michael and Angels Church. I know that's where all the ladies and lords of Downton get married, but I reckon if we ask nicely they would let us get married there too. It's such a beautiful little place. We could move out of Downton after our wedding, into a nice little cottage where we could raise our children. I know it seems like a mad dream, but I have to cling to these here. I love you more than anything, and I know the Lord will see that. I'll see you soon, my love.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours truly, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Luke</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Helena bit her lip hard to stop the tears. She couldn't dare ruin the precious paper with the droplets. It didn't seem real that he was missing. It wasn't possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena's faith in the Lord had always been unwavering. She believed with all her might that there was a higher power looking over them. She believed that power to be good and just. She believed that the Lord made things happen for a reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she didn't understand this. She didn't understand why Luke's disappearance was necessary. It didn't seem fair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let out a cry when one of the corners of the paper caught fire from being too close to the candle. She stamped it out with her sleeve but it was too late. The fire had eaten up a good chunk of the letter. Luke's name had been burned off the page. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena's breath grew heavy and she tossed the paper across her room. He was gone. She didn't know if he was alive or dead, he was simply </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One hand reached up to brush the cross around her neck as she burst into sobs. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lord, please spare him. I don't understand the meaning of any of this. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She thought wildly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bring him back to me. Just…bring him back to me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena never thought she would know what love was in her life. But now she knew what it felt to love and be loved in return. She understood it's power. And now it had been taken from her. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>None of this is fair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 6</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>In the three days Harry had been back to Downton, he had yet to leave the bed. It was horrifying. He simply laid there with his eyes fixed on the ceiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It worried Allie to no end. She would sit on the chair by his bed and watch him. He would flinch every once in a while, his eyes glazed with memories. She would try talking to him and he wouldn't respond. He wouldn't even acknowledge her presence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was on her usual spot, reading </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wuthering Heights</span>
  </em>
  <span> out loud and waiting for a response when he suddenly started shaking. It wasn't like a seizure, it was simply a strong trembling that coursed through his body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie jumped to her feet and saw that sweat started trickling down his forehead. His eyes were closed and he was groaning slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Harry. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Harry</span>
  </em>
  <span>." She set a hand on his arm but he didn't seem to have felt it. His eyes were squeezed shut and his face twitched.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She forsaked all propriety and lay in bed next to him. She turned his trembling face towards her and brushed his cheek lightly as she shushed him. She'd seen Shell Shock before in her patients. It was like they were trapped in the battle field, reliving their worst moments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt tears come to her eyes as his face contorted in anguish. She wished she could soothe the horrors of his mind. She wished she could take his pain for herself. She wished she could bring her Harry back, not this frightened and scarred man that lay before her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She did the only thing in her power. She brought his face against her chest and started singing a lullaby. She brushed his hair as he weeped against her. She heard him mutter names of men she never knew. She heard him whisper commands she didn't understand. She ignored all of that and kept singing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lullaby was an old American one that she couldn't remember the name of. Her mother used to sing it to her when she was little.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Hush, little baby, don't say a word."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Duck," he whispered against her, "Duck now!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie squeezed her eyes shut and continued, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"We have to keep going."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"And if that mockingbird don't sing–"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"There's no way but forward. We have to go."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"–Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Holbrook. We need to find Holbrook.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie's voice cracked when she realized who he was talking about. He was reliving the moment they lost Luke. He never told her details of what happened, only that he had turned in the midst of the battlefield and found Luke nowhere to be seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie took a shuddering breath and her fingers curled into his hair, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"And if that diamond ring turns brass."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have to save him. I told her I would try."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silent tears streamed down her cheeks. At this point she didn't know if the singing was for him or for her</span>
  <em>
    <span>, “</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass."</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She kept singing even when his trembles against her stopped. She kept singing even after his breath had deepened and he'd fallen asleep. She kept singing even when her voice had turned hoarse. She kept going and going in an attempt to soothe the rampant thoughts of her own mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She only stopped when she herself drifted to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 10</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie had slept in Harry's room ever since that night. Her family didn't mention it. Allie didn't know if it's because they had no idea or if it's because they knew that it helped both of them. It wasn't like they'd done anything inappropriate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would simply lay beside him and comfort him when he screamed from his nightmares. He had</span>
  <em>
    <span> so many</span>
  </em>
  <span> nightmares. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She barely slept anymore. She mostly lay awake and stared at him in his sleep. While he slept, she could pretend things were normal. She could pretend that they'd gotten married like she'd always dreamed. That when he woke up he would </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> her and give her her favorite grin. She could pretend they would have a future that didn't include these demons she was sure would haunt them forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been ten days since his injury. The time for his blindness to fade was wearing out. She felt like every day that went by was bringing her closer and closer to a bleak reality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry hadn't spoken a word unless it was cries or words she couldn't comprehend. He hadn't left his bed in over a week. He had fallen down a deep hole and Allie had no idea how to get him out of it. How could she help him when she was barely keeping her head above water?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hadn't gone to work in over a week. How could she when Harry needed her so desperately? Karen seemed to understand and no one bothered her about it. Allie didn't know if that was worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was watching him in bed again from one of the chairs. He lay facing her with his eyes open. If she squinted she could pretend his eyes were focused on her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Allie."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She jumped at the hand on her shoulder. She hadn't even heard Cassandra come in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hello."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra glanced between her and Harry in concern, "When's the last time you were both out of this room?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie brushed hair out of her forehead and shrugged, "I'm not sure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra nodded once, "Alright. Well let's get you outside for a picnic. It's a beautiful day."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She moved to get Harry's clothes but Harry didn't move a muscle. It's like he hadn't even heard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie sighed and sat beside him on the bed, "Harry. Come on. You have to get up now." She reached over and set her hand on his wrist. He didn't even blink and for a moment she thought he had become completely unresponsive, but then his fingers tightened around her wrist. His thumb brushed her skin softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears came to her eyes in an instant. This was the most of a reaction she'd gotten out of him in days. It was enough to push her through the struggle of getting him out of bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the end, they didn't bother changing him. It was too hard and Cassandra eventually gave up. He walked with ease, clinging to their arms for support. His face was completely blank.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat on the field all day. Cassandra brought blankets and a picnic basket filled with food. Harry didn't touch a thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra read </span>
  <em>
    <span>Frankenstein</span>
  </em>
  <span> out loud. It had been one of Harry's favorites when he was younger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie brought her legs to her chest and rested her cheek on her knees as Cassandra read. She watched Harry all throughout. She saw whispers of emotions, nothing too strong. The most she could note was the clench of his jaw when Cassandra read </span>
  <em>
    <span>"There is love in me the likes of which you've never seen. There is rage in me the likes of which should never escape. If I am not satisfied in the one, I will indulge the other.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie could see the battle in Harry's mind between the love and the rage. It terrified her that at the moment it seemed like rage was winning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 11</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena was late. She was usually never late but lately her mind had been in a disarray. She rushed into Lady Allie's room, the last one she had to get to. It was simply the usual, changing the sheets and making sure everything was all set. She didn't know why she even bothered. Lady Allie hadn't slept here in days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She almost dropped the clean sheets she was holding when she saw someone in the room. Lady Allie looked up at her and Helena's blood froze. The lady looked unrecognizable. There were dark circles under her eyes and her cheekbones jutted out more than usual. Her hair was loose around her shoulders for the first time since she was a child. Nowadays, she refused to let Helena get her all done up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked…empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena was sure she herself didn't look any better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Pardon me, m'lady. I didn't know you'd be here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was ready to leave when Lady Allie shook her head, "Nonsense. It's alright, I just came to pick up something but I'll leave you to it soon enough."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena bowed her head and stood there as Lady Allie picked up a small ornate box with care. Her face grew sad for a moment but then Helena blinked and it was gone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lady Allie turned to her and bit her lip, "How are you, Helena? With everything that's been going on with Harry I haven't been able to check on you as much as I'd like."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena was slightly surprised by the fact that Lady Allie wanted to check on </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>cared</span>
  </em>
  <span> for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm fine, m'lady."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lady Allie looked like she didn't believe her for a second. She sighed and traced her vanity, "Ironic, isn't it? They say that the men are the one who are torn apart by war but they conveniently leave out the women that are left to pick up the pieces."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena's grip on the sheets tightened. The way she was speaking, it's like she thought their situations were the same. They </span>
  <em>
    <span>weren't. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Luke was gone. Nowhere to be found. Helena had no idea if he was alive or dead and she was unsure if she would ever know. Mr. Bingham was here and alive. The situations weren't the same at all and it made her blood burn by her implication that they were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was about to do something completely stupid and snap at her when Lady Allie looked up to meet her eyes. The rage in her evaporated in an instant. Lady Allie's eyes were just filled with so much sorrow and despair. Maybe their situations weren't the same, but that didn't mean that they didn't share a similar anguish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena sighed, "I guess that's true, m'lady. But strong women always pass the hardest tests, no matter what the Lord throws their way."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes…" Lady Allie looked down at the box in her hands, "This whole situation has me wondering just how strong of a woman am I?" She sniffed and wiped her face with the back of her hand, "Lately it feels like the answer is '</span>
  <em>
    <span>not enough'."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena shook her head and took a tentative step towards her, "You're wrong, m'lady. You're the strongest woman I know. You protected Elle and defied your family countless times. That courage doesn't simply disappear."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lady Allie smiled, "Thank you, Helena. I'm so thankful to have had you with me all these years. I pray that things work out for you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena gave her a shaky smile, "You as well, m'lady."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lady Allie cleared her throat and wiped her face, "I've kept you for too long. I'll let you get back to it. Good day, Helena."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good day, m'lady.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 13</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie felt that time had turned into sand slowly slipping through her fingers. No matter how much she tried to hold to the sand, it was futile. Time was running out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lay besides Harry like she had done so many times in the past couple days. His eyes were closed and if it weren’t for his shallow breaths she would think he was sleeping. The only light came from the moon that shone through the window. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thirteen days. It had been </span>
  <em>
    <span>thirteen days. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And still nothing had changed. Harry still couldn’t see and his mind was getting more and more broken by the hour. Her desperation grew with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who would she be when the man she loved was wrecked completely?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She needed to hold on to these moments where she could stare at him. She had a feeling that these small luxuries she had found for herself with him were temporary. Everything had changed and everything </span>
  <em>
    <span>kept</span>
  </em>
  <span> changing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes fluttered open. He was staring right at her and yet, his eyes were somewhat glazed. A reminder of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost but not quite.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Allie?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need you to promise me something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought. “What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He licked his lips and took a deep breath before speaking. “If my sight doesn’t return...I need you to move on with your life. Leave me and never look back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie wished he could see the glare she was giving him. He couldn’t believe she would do that? Leave him? She could never. He was everything to her. He was her past and her present, and how could he ask to not be part of her future?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t promise you that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to,” He whispered insistently, “I won’t let you waste your life to take care of me. I could never ask that of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to. I’ll take care of you anyways.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Allie. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>The vagueness in his stare that had been so common the past days was gone. “If nothing changes…I’ll have nothing to offer you. I couldn’t bear holding you back even for a second. The fact that you’ve been here all this time is more than enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wanted to protest. She wanted to tell him that just his presence was enough for her. She wanted to tell him she’d be by his side through anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the pleading in his eyes held her back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so did the fear. The fear of the unknown and the darkness that consumed him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was about to give in when a quote from the book she had read over and over in her boredom the past couple days came to her mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t abandon him. He held pieces of her she could never get back. If they parted it would feel like losing a limb. He had been there through her childhood, through her teenage years, and through this horrible tragedy of a war. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie reached up and traced the scarring around his eyes. Harry was still the most handsome boy she had ever seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We still have time, Harry. It’s too soon to speak like this. We’ll have to wait and see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bit his lip like he wanted to fight her on it, but she was as stubborn as him and there would be no use. He sighed and nodded slightly before closing his eyes once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie inched forward to reach his lips. The kiss they shared was soft and slow, riddled with unspoken pain. It made her heart ache until it became so unbearable that she pulled away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to sleep, Harry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 14</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie woke from the sun piercing through her eyelids. She blinked awake and rubbed her eyes from the rush of light. She yawned and turned to face Harry sleeping next to her. It took her a couple seconds before she processed what today was.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 14. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She could hear her instructor’s voice ring through her head. ‘Patients suffering from mustard gas injuries may experience blindness up to fourteen days.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She needed to know. She nudged him awake softly, laying back down to stroke his cheek until he woke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry groaned in protest but eventually his eyes fluttered open. For a moment, Allie swore he could see her. But then his gaze landed on her nose instead of her eyes and something inside of Allie broke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t see. He still couldn’t see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know what she expected. These things didn’t work like magic. It’s not like just because it usually was fourteen days that in the fourteenth day he would suddenly be able to see again. She rationally knew all of that. Yet, she felt the little bit of hope inside of her shrivel up and die. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She cleared her throat and was slightly thankful he couldn’t see her tears. He would break completely if she knew she had given up hope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was going to get some tea,” She whispered. Her voice was surprisingly steady, “Do you want some?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head and mumbled something before closing his eyes and going back to sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie rolled so she laid on her back. It had been fourteen days and Harry still couldn’t see. Harry was blind. He wouldn’t see her or anything else ever again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her breaths turned shaky and she spared Harry a wary glance. She couldn’t do this here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She almost ran out of his room. She needed to find someone who understood. Someone who wouldn’t make her explain why she was falling into despair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> False hopes. False promises. They were temporary things to prevent someone from breaking completely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The timer on her false hope had given out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finally reached the room she was looking for and knocked on the door desperately. She didn’t know what hour it was. It was probably still desperately early. The maids didn’t even seem to have woken yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door burst open and Karen stared at her in alarm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie cocked her head and took a shaky breath, “It’s been fourteen days and he still can’t see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karen’s face fell. She was a nurse; she understood what this meant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie burst into sobs and Karen took her into her arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know what most worried her: Harry’s blindness or his case of Shell Shock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie cried for the loss of the man she once loved dearly. She cried for the lively young boy who would spin her around the ballroom and whisper crude jokes into her ear so she’d snort in laughter. She cried because she finally admitted to herself that the Harry Bingham she knew and loved was as good as dead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karen understood this too. She brushed Allie’s hair and shushed her softly. She spoke no words of comfort, for they both knew that nothing could hide the hopelessness of the situation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie wanted to scream. She wanted to curse the Lord for doing this to all of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Allie kept thinking to herself. It was a foolish attempt to start grieving the boy she loved. It was futile. She knew she would love Harry Bingham, whoever he was, even if his body lay 6 feet underground.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Sam didn’t understand why but he knew Allie was avoiding Harry. She had been glued to his side since he had returned and yet today she was nowhere to be found.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam knew he was not one to judge. He still hadn’t written to Grizz since his wedding with Becca. What would he say? How could he possibly explain? He didn’t expect Grizz to understand. He had barely gotten </span>
  <em>
    <span>Allie</span>
  </em>
  <span> to understand and she was his cousin. How could he explain to his lover that marrying someone else was the right thing to do? Sam was a writer yet he couldn’t muster the right words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he took the cowards way out and didn’t write at all. He knew it was selfish especially considering Grizz was still out in the front, fighting for his life. But he didn’t know what else to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He found Becca in the Library helping some of the officers. Downton was still a convalescent home and now that Allie had fallen out of her duty, they all had to pick up some of the slack to make up for it. No one complained because this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Harry</span>
  </em>
  <span>. This was their boy she was taking care of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put his hand on her shoulder to catch her attention. She looked up at him but no smile graced her features. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you come with me to Harry’s room? Allie’s gone and I don’t think we should leave him alone,” He sighed before continuing, “I need someone to interpret.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca nodded, “Just give me one moment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam stood to the side as she finished tending to the officer. She wasn’t properly showing yet, but he knew that time would come sooner than later. He had to find some way to tell his family. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wiped her hands on the front of her skirt and turned to him. They walked up to Harry’s room arm in arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam took a moment to steel himself outside his door. This was one of his closest friends. He had been a constant in Sam’s life since childhood and now they couldn’t even communicate directly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He glanced at Becca and nodded. He trusted Becca to interpret correctly and this would have to do. He didn’t have any other choice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam walked in to find the room surprisingly bright. The curtains were open and sunlight filled the small space. Harry was in his bed with his back to them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam walked over to the other side so he could face him and sat on the bed. Harry was staring off into nowhere and his fists were clenched. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t take his eyes off his friend as he signed, “Hello, Harry. It’s Sam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see Becca’s lips moving but Harry didn’t respond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam continued, “I know this is less than ideal but if there’s someone who understands what you’re going through it’s me. You can talk to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s lips started moving and Sam’s eyes snapped to Becca for the interpretation. He hadn’t expected Harry to respond so soon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca looked disheartened as she signed, “This is different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam looked at Harry again. The vague expression in his face hadn’t changed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe. But the outcome is more or less the same. It’s a disability. Something about our body that makes us lose one of the senses. But we adapt and we learn. It’s human nature. In time, you will adapt and learn too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched Harry eagerly for some sort of reaction but he didn’t move. Sam reached forward to grab one of his clenched fists and Harry flinched slightly before relaxing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam spoke out loud as best he could, “ Don’t lose hope for a good life, Harry. It might not seem possible to you right now but it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s hand flexed slightly under Sam’s grip. Sam didn’t need Becca’s interpretation when Harry’s lips finally moved, “I don’t deserve to adapt.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam inched back and grabbed some of the paper he’d stuffed into his pockets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“These are poems I wrote,” He signed, “I or Becca can read them out loud to you if you want. I wrote some of these in the darkest of times. I hope they bring you some comfort. They certainly did for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t respond and Sam bit his lip in frustration. He wanted to shake him until he got his friend back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he couldn’t spend much time here. Becca had to go back to her work and Sam had to eventually talk to Allie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. He looked to Becca who gave him an apologetic smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked to Harry and signed, “Goodbye, Harry. We’ll come back soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took half an hour for Sam to find Allie. He should’ve known she would’ve been here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam leaned against the doorframe of the greenhouse and watched silently as Allie grazed her fingers against the empty shelves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie looked over her shoulder to him and he knew that he must’ve made some noise coming in. She looked like a ghost. She gave him a small smile of acknowledgment that looked unnatural with her hollow eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I talked to Harry,” he signed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise, “Did he talk back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam shrugged and walked further into the greenhouse, “As best he could.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie pursed her lips and nodded. Her eyes swept the dirty roof and the windows and her shoulders sagged. The greenhouse had been mostly fixed, but with the past couple years of war the restoration had to be abandoned. It had mostly stayed here collecting dust.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she faced Sam again her eyes had turned glassy, “What’s the point in finishing this if he’s never going to see it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam opened his mouth but nothing came out. His hands lay still by his sides. He wished he had all her answers but he didn’t. He was simply a writer, a poet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and gave her the best he could muster, “Maybe there is no point. Maybe you just finish this for yourself. He’d want you to finish it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gave a sardonic laugh, “Stop talking about him like he’s dead. He’s…” her hands waved around the air as she searched for the words, “–here but he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I can’t say which one is worse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam stepped forward to wrap her in his arms. Allie shook against him as she cried. He rubbed her back and buried his face into her loose curls. He desperately needed her comfort as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He only took it for a couple more seconds because they had no time for such things. They had weeped enough. Sam pulled apart and rested his hands on her shoulders. He spoke out loud, “You need to be brave and help him. Whatever despair and hopelessness you’re feeling, he’s feeling worse. We need to be there for him no matter what we’re feeling inside.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie blinked at him for a couple seconds and then nodded, “You’re right, of course. I need to do this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wiped her tears and stalked out of the greenhouse without another word.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Allie took a deep breath and marched into Harry’s room. She needed to be strong. She needed to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>better</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She was a nurse and she wouldn’t let herself fail at her job just because this was Harry she was looking after.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked like he still hadn’t moved from when she last left him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Harry,” She reached over and grabbed his arm and then wrapped an arm around his back to help him sit up, “We’re going for a walk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head and tried to snake out of her grasp to fall back on to his bed, “Let me be, Allie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’ll be good for you, come on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to stop this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie reached for him again, “It’s just a walk, Harry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not talking about the walk,” His voice was stronger than it had been the past couple weeks and that alone made Allie stop her efforts. “I’m talking about everything. I don’t want you taking care of me anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie’s eyes widened and she shook her head, “You don’t mean that.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do,” he insisted, “I told you last night. </span>
  <span>I won’t let you waste your life like this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not wasting my life. Let me remind you that I’m a nurse and this is what I do for a living.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. You save lives for a living. You don’t babysit crippled officers.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t call yourself that,” She snapped. She cleared her throat and tried to lighten the mood, “And actually being a nurse is much like being a nanny. Except your patients can speak and often nag when you forget to bring them food.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t seem moved. “Don’t joke, Allie. This isn’t funny. This is your life we’re talking about.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My</span>
  </em>
  <span> life?” Now, she was truly angry. She straightened to rest her hands on her hips, “What about your life? Do you expect me to completely abandon you to waste away in your room? Do you think I could ever do that to you?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. You forget that I know you very well and I know that if I didn’t push you away you would spend the rest of your life by my bedside when you should be out dancing and enjoying the things life can give you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care!” She yelled. She sat on the bed and reached for his face, turning him towards her. “Can’t you see that I don’t care for any of those things? I would give up anything if it meant that we got to be together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s face grew sad and his eyes were trained right on hers. For a moment she thought he could actually see her. “Really?” he whispered, “You don’t care that if we get married I wouldn’t see your wedding dress? That if we had children I would never have any idea what they looked like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hesitated. She wanted those things with him so badly. But she wanted him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> them happening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s face it.” He continued. His face grew hard again and she saw his mask slipping back into place. “I’m trapped in this darkness forever. And all I will ever see again are these images stuck in my head. All I can see is the ground exploding in front of me, chunks of men I used to call friends fall beside me, gas that comes out of nowhere. That’s all I will </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry–”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He removed her hands from his face and settled back into his bed, “Leave me be, Allie. If you’re smart, which I know you are, you won’t ever step foot in this room again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie stared at him for a long moment and shook her head, “I could never abandon you. If you know me so well you would know that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anger flashed through his face, “How more clear can I make it that I don’t want anything from you anymore? Can’t you see that I’m…I’m incapable of loving you anymore?” The anger disappeared as quickly as it came. It’s like his body was unable of holding on to emotions for more than a couple seconds. He spoke with the most tired voice she had ever heard, “Just go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” She stood up to leave when all her sadness was overcome with a blinding rage. She was strong and she would not be pushed away from her duties like this. “You don’t want me to stay as a loved one, that’s alright. We can be nothing to each other. But I am still a nurse and you are my patient and I will take care of you because that is my </span>
  <em>
    <span>job</span>
  </em>
  <span>. There’s nothing personal about it anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For once, Allie was glad he couldn’t see. For he would see all the tears she was hiding as she forced him to take a walk with her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 20</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra was worried. No, not worried. She was </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrified</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was planning on giving Gordie his answer and returning to London to live with him when the war was over, which should be happening very soon. But how could she leave Downton when her family was in such a state? Harry was unresponsive and Allie was in shambles. Her parents had no idea how to deal with it all so they were doing nothing. Sam had just gotten married but there was something off about the whole thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her family needed her. So she would stay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie had spent the past weeks taking care of Harry non-stop and lately it seemed to have gotten worse. Cassandra didn’t know the last time her sister had slept. It’s like she’d forced herself to become a mindless machine that had only one purpose, which was taking care of Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra had finally convinced her to take one day off, telling her that she would take over the duty of taking care of Harry for the day. Allie relented after much debate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She worried her lip as she watched him lay in bed. All this time cooped up could not be good for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She made her decision and helped him get dressed. She took him to sit on the grounds again. Will helped her pack a basket with foods which she knew he wouldn’t touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She brought </span>
  <em>
    <span>Frankenstein</span>
  </em>
  <span> again but she also took some of the papers by Harry’s bedside. She had given them a quick peek in his room and they looked like some of Sam’s poems. She knew that he had stopped by earlier in the day and she shoved the papers into her pockets without much thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She draped a blanket over Harry’s shoulder as a gust of wind swept by. September had finally arrived and any leftover warmth from the Summer was gone now. Dark clouds covered most of the sunlight and Cassandra was worried that rain would start pouring down soon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra watched him for a moment. The red scars around his eyes were in stark contrast with the newfound paleness of his face. His eyes remained empty. It wasn’t even the fact that he was blind that was so disturbing. It was the emptiness. It was the haunted look that told her that his mind was somewhere far away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking at him now, she couldn’t even see the man that she had once thought was too lively and crass for her taste. Lord, their engagement felt like a lifetime ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra reached into her pockets for the paper and unfolded them carefully. She read the title out loud, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Silver of Hope. S. Eliot.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Silver of hope. Only Sam would be ingenious enough to play on the expression sliver of hope like this, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Cassandra thought to herself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She looked up at Harry, “Sam, gave this to you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He only shrugged in response. Cassandra supposed that was a yes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you heard it, yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” He spoke in a voice barely above a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to read it to you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra straightened out the paper a bit before reading it loud.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Silver of Hope</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>All I knew my whole life were golden halls full of emptiness </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gold is thick and it has bruised me </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My skin has hardened </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My eyes have looked too long at the brilliance of those halls so now I only see shades of gold</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am longing for grey clouds and timid songs</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I‘m only ever yearning to hear the beat of my heart again</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe all I need is a dash of silver, a dash of hope</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I won’t find it in void halls filled only with thick golden air</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The place to look for is myself</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe I am the silver of hope I so desperately need</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can be</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She stared at the paper for a couple more seconds even after the last words left her lips. It was beautiful. It was so hopeful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was so entranced in the words that she didn’t even notice Harry had started crying until he let out a loud sob. Her head snapped up to look at him. Wet tears streamed down his cheeks as he tried pressing his palms against his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She quickly wrapped an arm around him and brought him into her as he cried. She shushed him as his body shook.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how to find the silver,” He whispered into her ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra brushed her hand up and down his back as she searched for a response, “No one knows. I reckon you simply must keep trying until you eventually stumble upon it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let him cry on her shoulder until his body stilled. He pulled apart from her to wipe his eyes as he stared at the sky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The clouds above them parted and a sunlight streamed in all of a sudden, showering them with golden light. Harry flinched and looked down at his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra’s eyes widened slightly. Did he just–</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you read me </span>
  <em>
    <span>Frankenstein</span>
  </em>
  <span> again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra hesitated. He flinched at the light. She saw that. Could it mean…but no. If something had changed in his eyesight he would surely tell them. Right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She cleared her throat and opened the play to the very start.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Day 25</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie kept going. She had to keep going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finally let Helena start putting her hair up again, but only because it was starting to get in the way of her work. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Harry protested every second she spent looking after him. She didn’t care. She would bear through it and tell herself that she was doing her job. Sometimes she would snap and tell him to shut up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had come up with a routine. She had found in her time working at the hospital that routines helped a lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would wake him up around nine. She would open the curtains and help him get dressed for the day. They would go for a walk around the castle before luncheon, and then after he ate she would read him a book for a couple hours. They would take a walk in the grounds before the sun went down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie walked into his room and let her eyes adjust to the darkness for a couple moments before getting to work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened the curtains to let the light flood in and turned around just in time to catch Harry flinching and curling into himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She froze. He flinched. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>flinched</span>
  </em>
  <span> at the light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry,” She ran over to him and moved his arm until he spurred awake, “Harry. Open your eyes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” He murmured with his eyes still shut.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You flinched at the light,” She said in disbelief, “Open your eyes and tell me what you see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes snapped open as her words sank in, “What do I…see?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” She whispered. This couldn’t be real. Maybe she had imagined it. She was letting herself hope in vain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see…” He spoke slowly. His eyes were circling around her hair, “I see lights and shadows.” He gave a small laugh in disbelief, “I can see your shadow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie laughed and covered her mouth, “Oh my Lord, don’t you see what this means? Your sight is improving.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His lips quirked up slightly, “My sight is improving?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Harry,” She reached to cup his cheek, “This is hope.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled. It was small and contained and far from his usual blinding grins, but it was enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to get Dr. Clarkson.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was about to press a kiss to his lips when she remembered herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Can’t you see that I’m…I’m incapable of loving you anymore?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She settled for squeezing his hand once before pulling away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She ran through the corridors and down the stairs. She needed to get her father. He would call the doctor and they would say what all of this means. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened the door to the library without bothering to knock. Her father was in there with Pfeiffer, Mrs. Williams and Helena.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry can see light,” she spat out as she caught her breath, “His eyes are getting better. He may see again. We need to call the doctor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t react the way she expected them to. They all just stared at her like she was crazy and it finally occurred to Allie that she might’ve interrupted something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father was the one who broke the silence, “I finally managed to find out what happened to Luke. He’s…he’s dead.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie only stared in response. Harry might see again but Luke was…dead. Her mind had been so filled with worry over Harry that she’d completely forgotten about him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt horribly selfish at Helena’s wet eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena was rubbing the ring on her finger viciously before she cleared her throat, “If you’ll excuse me, m’lord.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Of course,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bowed her head and left the room without another word. Allie almost followed her, but the maid looked like she wanted to be alone.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Helena ran. She ran and ran and ran until her feet couldn’t take it anymore. She collapsed on the ground. She was far away from everyone as she pressed her forehead into the cold dirt of the field.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke was dead. But he didn’t just die. He was shot for cowardice. His lordship had told her that this was something they would keep between them. No one would know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> knew. After all that talk about going to war and doing his duty, Luke had bailed at the last minute. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Her Luke</span>
  </em>
  <span> had been killed for being afraid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She got up on her knees to yell at the skies, “I don’t understand why you did this? What was the purpose of any of this? He was just a boy. He was afraid like any human would be. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>boy–”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She collapsed into tears again. Her Lord was just and she knew that He always did things for a reason. But this felt so pointless. How could He be so cruel? How could He take Luke from her in such a horrible way? What kind of God was He if He did things like this for no reason?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena’s faith in the Lord had never wavered since she was a child. She tried her hardest not to sin. She went to Church every Sunday. But now…she simply didn’t understand. If the Lord was good and merciful why would he let this war happen?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena reached for the cross around her neck and tugged hard. The chain snapped easily. She stared at the cross on her hand and whispered out loud, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me. And I will hear you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeremiah 29:11 to 13. It was one of her favorite bible verses. It always made her feel a little better but it wasn’t helping now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t hear the Lord speaking to her. She couldn’t feel His presence like she usually did. She felt alone. So alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fear was making her bones tremble. What now? What would she do now that she had lost her beloved?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a shaky breath and looked up at the grey skies, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me. And I will hear you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She repeated the verse over and over again until she finally felt it. A gust of wind blew hair out of her hairdo and she was overcome with a feeling of reassurance. He could hear her. He was still here.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t bring Luke back. She couldn’t fix any of this. The only thing she knew she could control was herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena let herself take a couple more breaths before forcing herself to her feet. She would pass this test, even if it was the hardest thing the Lord had ever thrown at her. She would push through.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em><span>Day</span></em> <em><span>31</span></em></p><p>
  <span>Harry’s sight was improving day by day. Dr. Clarkson had said they would simply have to wait and see how much of it would return. He said his sight might return only somewhat or it might return in full. Only time would tell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was simply relieved. This was new hope. And she was clinging to it as tightly as she could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s mood improved slightly. He talked more. He complained less when she took him on walks. But sometimes his body would still shake with fear and he’d call the names of men she’d never heard of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had a surprise for him that would hopefully help things. She’d asked Sam for help and he’d brought Becca and Elle along as well. With all the extra hands they managed to finish much sooner than she expected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she was out on her daily walk with Harry, she took a slight detour. Thankfully, he didn’t notice. His eyes were getting strained from all the lights so now they tied a black piece of cloth around them for most of the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t take the smile off her face as she led him to the door of the greenhouse, “I have a surprise for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no. Should I be worried?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiled even wider. She had missed his teasing so much, “Maybe. Do you trust me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With my life,” he answered immediately. He sounded so serious that it threw her off for a couple moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She unlooped his arm from her and took his hands, “Watch your step.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She brought him right in the middle of the greenhouse and walked around him to untie his blindfold, “Me, Sam, Becca and Elle all worked on this for a couple days.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard him breathe in sharply and grinned. It was her idea. They had cleaned all the glass panels of the roof and window and then placed all different colors of cloth over them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The effect was mesmerizing. It was a kaleidoscope of colors and lights. Harry lifted his hand and watched as the colors danced around his fingertips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled wider than she’d seen in months and moved his fingers back and forth, “It’s like…like a rainbow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been waiting for a sunny day to show it to you. What do you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t answer. He simply let his fingers catch the colors, “I didn’t think I’d ever see colour again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie bowed her head. She honestly didn’t think he would either. But his sight was improving faster than she could’ve ever hoped for. It’s like all her prayers had been answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she looked up, Harry’s eyes were on her. She froze under his unfaltering gaze. His eyes weren’t unfocused or glazed. No…he could finally </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> her and oh, how she missed it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed in the greenhouse until his eyes eventually tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a good day, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>bright</span>
  </em>
  <span> day. A rare thing in the past couple years and she held on to that feeling of peace and happiness for as long as she could.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>November </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The war was coming to an end. Cassandra was sure that it would be over in a matter of weeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And as soon as the war ended, she would go back to London and marry Gordie as she’d promised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She only needed to tell her parents first. A prospect she was not looking forward to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She decided on telling her mother first. Maybe she would even be able to convince her to help her talk her father into it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was with her mother in the sectioned off part of the Library. The one where they could rest without any soldiers around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra stared at her mother over her book for a couple moments before setting it down, “Mama?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amanda didn’t look up from her book, “Yes, dear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to say that when the war ends I’ll be returning to London.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amanda scoffed and flipped a page, “If you insist. I don’t understand why you’re so caught up in getting yourself into trouble over there. It’s been so nice having you here with us these past couple months.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Allie needed me so I stayed. But Harry’s getting better by the day and I must return to my life,” she took a deep breath to brace herself, “I must return to London, Mama, because the man I love resides there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now this made Amanda look up from her book, “Pardon me? You have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>beau</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Cassandra? Why haven’t you told me this before?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra forced herself to maintain eye contact. She would not falter for even a moment, “Because I didn’t think it was of interest before what with everything going on. But now…Mama, I intend on marrying him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amanda’s eyebrows lifted slightly and she inched closer, “Well who is it, dear? It’s not fair to keep me in suspense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a doctor,” Cassandra said bluntly, “I worked with him in the clinic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amanda visibly paled, “A </span>
  <em>
    <span>doctor? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You mean to marry into the </span>
  <em>
    <span>middle class?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra raised her chin in defiance. Her mother’s tone was sparking something dark and angry in her, “Yes. And don’t even start telling me it’s not respectable. Not when Gordie risked his life every day to save our boys in the front. Not after you’ve let Allie become a nurse and work for herself. The war is changing things, Mama, and I don’t want to move backwards,” she leaned to grab her mother’s hand, “I want to move forward with Gordie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mother was still staring at her wide-eyed. Cassandra desperately searched her face for any sort of emotion she could name but she was coming up blank. Amanda’s expression was unreadable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Cassandra felt her head being squeezed and Amanda’s lips lifted slightly, “I can’t say this is the life I imagined for you, but if you love him…then you should marry him. The war has left us with few good things and we should cherish them as much as we can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra gave her a watery grin, “Oh, Mama!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pulled Amanda into a hug and tucked her head into her mother’s shoulder. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>“Helena? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Helena!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She snapped her gaze from the piano to look around for who had called her. She was in the Servant’s Hall all alone but for Elle who had taken a seat next to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle was looking at her with an emotion Helena had seen very often the past couple months: worry with a mix of pity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything you wanted?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle bit her lip and shrugged lightly, “I just wanted to check in on you. How are you feeling?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena gave an ugly, ironic snort of laughter, “How do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’m feeling?” Elle looked down in embarrassment and Helena sighed, “I’m sorry. That was rude. I’m just…I’m thinking about that time you played the piano and Luke insisted on teaching me how to dance. That feels like a lifetime ago.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle nodded, “That’s because it was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena looked down at her hands for a couple moments, “We were so young and so innocent. Do you ever wish we could go back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a moment of silence as Elle considered the question, “No. I don’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena stared up at her in question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The time when I was young and innocent was a time when I let Lord Campbell take advantage of me. I was naïve and defenseless…I don’t want to feel like that ever again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena bit her lip and reached over to grab Elle’s hand. Elle didn’t say anything, but her thumb came up to brush the back of Helena’s hand lightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stared at each other for several moments and Helena felt like the jagged pieces of her heart started to smooth over ever so slightly. She might’ve lost Luke, but Elle had always been there. She didn’t want to ever lose her too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They jumped apart when the bell sounded and Helena saw it was Lady Allie’s room that had rung for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle was carefully avoiding her eyes, “Right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena stood up and let her hand rest on Elle’s shoulder for a moment, “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle looked up to smile at her softly, “Anytime.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>November 11th</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It was finally here. The armistice was signed and a ceasefire would be called. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all stood there in the Great Hall as the clock chimed eleven. The eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had one arm looped through Elizabeth’s. He wore no blindfold today and all the scars around his eyes seemed to be more prominent. Allie stood at his other side in her nurse’s uniform and her eyes were glazed as the importance of the moment swept through her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra stood with her mother. Her face was as stoic as ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All the soldiers stood as well. Even some with horrible injuries insisted on standing. They all wanted to stand in silence to respect the fallen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam clung to Becca’s hand tightly. Her pregnant belly was really showing now and could be seen through her dress. That baby in there would soon be his. They were his family now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam’s mind wandered towards Grizz. He’d received another letter a couple weeks back, saying that he planned on returning to Downton as soon as he could after the war ended. Sam desperately hoped he hadn’t been killed in the last hours like some unlucky ones. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know how he would explain this all to Grizz when the moment finally came to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But this wasn’t the moment for such thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now was the moment to respect everyone that had given their lives and their wellbeing for this long war. It was in honor of that sacrifice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam thought of all his friends that had fallen. He thought of Luke. He thought of Elizabeth’s beau. And then he thought of his brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Campbell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t think he would ever truly know where his feelings resided when it came to his brother. Campbell was a monster. A horrible person that caused so much harm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he was also his brother. He had defended him against bullies when he was a child and had run around with him in the gardens of his parent’s estate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The good memories with Campbell were rare, but they were there. And Sam couldn’t simply ignore them just because it would complicate things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Life was messy. Nothing was ever truly black and white, and anything regarding Campbell was purely grey. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment of silence ended and James officially announced the ceasefire and the end of the war.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was over. This state of misery they’d found themselves in the past couple years was over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But as he watched Harry rub his eyes lightly and Helena stare down at the floor as if she hadn’t heard the announcement, Sam had a feeling that this experience would never truly leave them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were broken by the war and now they would spend the rest of their lives picking up the pieces.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Cassandra left for London on the first train available. Allie was one of the few who woke up to wish her farewell and she made her promise to invite her to the wedding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both sisters cried a bit. Even after so many goodbyes it never got any easier when they parted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie stood out there in the cold air for a while, watching the spot where the motor had disappeared with her sister on it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything was changing again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like just when she’d found her footing, the ground beneath her would start to shake once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With one last sigh, she started to make her way inside when she caught sight of something in the distance. She frowned and stopped in her tracks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only when she recognized him did she start to grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz was back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rushed out to meet him and ignored all propriety to pull him into a tight hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He responded quickly and hugged her back tightly, “I’ve missed you, m’lady.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She laughed against his shoulder, “Me too, Grizz.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he set her down again and they pulled apart he searched her eyes and cleared his throat, “Is Lord Sam here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then it all came rushing to her and her grin faltered for a moment. Becca and the baby. Sam still hadn’t told him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She quickly recovered and nodded, “Yes, he should be awake by now. Let’s go inside.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She ignored how inappropriate it was to lead him through the Great Hall when he should’ve used the servant’s entrance. He’s not technically working for them anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ran into Sam as he made his way down the stairs. Sam froze when he saw who Allie was with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” Sam spoke softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz’s lips quirked up slightly, “Hello, m’lord. It’s good to see you again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The air was heavy with tension and Allie was about to excuse herself to leave them alone when another figure came to the picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca’s belly was rounder than ever and Allie could feel Grizz tense in alarm beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why, hello Grizz!” Becca said kindly, “We didn’t expect you back so soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca looped her arm through Sam’s and Grizz gulped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I came as soon as I could, m’lady. After visiting my family, of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Becca nodded, “Well, I’m sure my husband will be glad to have you back in his service once more. He never stops talking about how no one will ever replace you completely.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz’s face blanched at the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>husband</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He still managed to smile at her, “That’s very kind of you, m’lady.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m positively starving so I’m going to head down for breakfast,” Becca pressed a kiss to Sam’s cheek and continued without him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie saw her opening and quickly took it, “I’ll join you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca remained oblivious to the meaningful stare between Sam and Grizz as both girls left them be.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>None of them spoke as Sam led them back to his room. Grizz stared resolutely at the floor as he trailed after him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only when Sam closed the door behind him did he speak, “When did this happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“August.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz rubbed his face and turned his back to Sam. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Maybe he was foolish to have never seen this coming, especially in a society that would never accept them as lovers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he never expected Sam to marry so soon. And Becca was pregnant which meant they’d…no, Grizz couldn’t bring himself to accept it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is she the reason why you stopped answering my letters?” Grizz asked with his back still to Sam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I should’ve told you,” Sam spoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, had Grizz missed that voice. He’d dreamed about it and had wondered when the next time he’d hear it would be. He never imagined this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So while I was out in the front, wishing I was here with you…you were </span>
  <em>
    <span>with her.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not like that.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what is it like, Sam?” Grizz turned to snap at him. Sam flinched slightly at the raised voice but Grizz kept going, “She’s pregnant! And you never even thought to tell me. What am I to you then? Nothing? A fling?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam shook his head adamantly,. “No, of course not. I love you, Grizz–”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what is it? I don’t understand because it seems like she thinks you’re some sort of happy couple. Perfect little ‘husband and wife.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz was so angry that he didn’t even bother to sign as he rambled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re talking too fast. I can’t read your lips.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m talking too fast? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Grizz slowed down and signed purposefully, “Does she know about us? Does she know who you are?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam stared at him with glassy eyes for a couple moments before shaking his head, “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz gave a sarcastic laugh and ignored how his vision was going blurry, “So what are we going to do, Sam? Are you going to keep lying to her? Are you going to sneak off to my room in the middle of the night even though you share one with her? We just went through a horrible, gut-wrenching war so </span>
  <em>
    <span>how do you want to live?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam sniffed and looked around the room as if he could find the answer to the question on the walls, “I don’t know. I vowed to be there for her, Grizz.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz shook his head and rubbed his face. With one last sigh, he turned back to Sam with a hard gaze, “I’ll get my stuff ready in my old, m’lord, and I’ll be ready to dress you before luncheon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed like those were the worst words Grizz could’ve ever spoken because Sam’s face contorted in pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz ignored his own anguish at seeing him like this, and brushed past him to go through the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He needed to report to Pfeiffer and get his life back together. The letters from Sam weighed heavy on his pack as he followed the familiar way down the servant passages.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>December</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It was weird having the house empty again. All the soldiers that filled the halls were sent back home or sent to other convalescent homes and Downton was a residence home once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie felt herself feeling useless again as she was no longer a nurse and Harry no longer needed as much assistance. His sight had returned almost in full. He still had trouble seeing things from a distance but that was easily fixed with a pair of bifocals. Allie thought it rather suited this new and mature Harry. His mood was also improving daily but he still shook with nightmares or stared off with a glazed look too often for comfort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was heartbroken when she found out Cassandra wouldn’t be returning for Christmas. She had just married Gordie and said she was now trying to enjoy her new married life. Their wedding had been small but luckily, Allie had been able to attend. Her sister had looked more beautiful and happy than she had ever seen before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were all together at the library exchanging gifts and wishing each other a Merry Christmas. Sam had bought a gramophone so soft melodies played in the background. It felt so happy and normal that it made Allie a little uncomfortable. Christmas hasn’t felt like this in a very long time and she wasn’t used to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had a couple letters on her lap and she sorted through them absentmindedly as everyone around her chatted. She stopped when she caught the name of one of them. Lord Brandon Eggles. My lord, she had not thought about him in years. What on earth was he writing her for?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was broken from her thoughts when Sam sat down next to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not much but I hope you like it,” he signed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened the packaging and saw that it was a copy of a poem by Charlotte Bronte in a pretty frame.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Evening Solace</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The human heart has hidden treasures,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In secret kept, in silence sealed;</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Whose charms were broken if revealed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And days may pass in gay confusion,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And nights in rosy riot fly,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>While, lost in Fame’s or Wealth’s illusion,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The memory of the Past may die.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But, there are hours of lonely musing,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Such as in evening silence come,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When, soft as birds their pinions closing,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The heart’s best feelings gather home.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then in our souls there seems to languish</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A tender grief that is not woe;</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Now cause but some mild tears to flow.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And feelings, once as strong as passions,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Float softly backa faded dream;</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Our own sharp griefs and wild sensations,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The tale of others’ sufferings seem.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh ! when the heart is freshly bleeding,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How longs it for that time to be,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When, through the mist of years receding,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Its woes but live in reverie!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And it can dwell on moonlight glimmer,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On evening shade and loneliness;</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And, while the sky grows dim and dimmer,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feel no untold and strange distress</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Only a deeper impulse given</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>By lonely hour and darkened room,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To solemn thoughts that soar to heaven,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Seeking a life and world to come.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Allie finished the poem with a watery smile and pulled him into a hug, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She’d already given him his gift (a new leather bound notebook with his initials engraved so he didn’t have to keep writing his poems on loose paper when he was far from his typewriter) so she lowered her voice and asked him, “How are things with Grizz?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam’s face deflated slightly, “He still won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie tugged her ear in thought, “Maybe you should try talking to Becca. Make sure nothing remains unspoken between you two before you try and mend things with Grizz.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Sam shook his head, “I couldn’t. She wouldn’t understand. She’d think I’m an abomination for this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you should give her more credit,” she reached for his hand, “People can surprise you if you give them a chance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t respond but she could tell by his expression that he was considering it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie walked over to the window and took a seat near there so she could watch the snow fall outside. It was so white and serene. She became so entranced that she didn’t even notice everyone else had left when Harry cleared his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked up to see him offer his hand. A Tchaikovsky track piece played softly in the background. From the Nutcracker she reckoned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry raised his eyebrow in question. They were the only ones left in the library.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took his hand with a smile and he pulled her closer with the hand entwined in hers. The other hand came to rest on her hip as they started to sway together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wanted to be closer to him but she didn’t want to break their eye contact. After so long of laying beside him wishing he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>see her</span>
  </em>
  <span> again, she didn’t want to miss a single moment of his stare. The frames of his glasses covered most of the scars around his eyes and she felt herself hating that slightly. The scars were a testament of what he’d survived, of his strength.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His lips lifted slightly, “Remember the first time we danced together?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, she remembered. The memory of him teaching her the steps out in the dark night was clear in her brain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she felt like having a bit of fun with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The first time?” Her hand came up from his shoulder to curl around his neck, “No, I don’t think I remember.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” He pulled her closer almost subconsciously, “It was your birthday and you were petrified about dancing in a room full of people because you’d skipped all your dance classes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shook her head with a smirk, “That doesn’t sound like me at all. ”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the spark in his eyes she thought maybe he knew she was pretending and was just musing her for the fun of it, “Well, anyway, I taught you some basic steps and you almost broke my foot because of how dreadful you were.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I was not dreadful!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grinned and she knew he had tricked her. She felt her cheeks heat up but even then she did not break his gaze. She didn’t think she could ever look away from him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The song was coming to a climax in the background and Harry’s eyes darkened, “I was a child. But even then, I loved you. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie couldn’t take it anymore. She leaned in to kiss him. Her hand on the back of his neck reached up into his hair. They had stopped swaying to press closer together instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She loved him so much and being in his arms felt like the most natural thing in the world. Maybe now she could finally have him. Maybe now everything would finally be alright between them again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then Harry pulled away as if he’d been burned. He took several steps back, away from </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie stared at him, all flushed and dazed. Static played in the background as the needle had reached the end of the record.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shook his head and lifted his glasses to rub his eyes, “I can’t do this.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Allie felt like her heart had been broken so many times the past couple years that she would be immune to this sort of pain. But she still felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I- I don’t understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I could do this. I thought I could love you after everything, but I can’t.” He wasn’t even looking at her. “We’ve been through too much. I might be able to see again but I can’t… I’m still broken, Allie. You deserve a man that’s whole.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie’s lip wobbled as she gaped at him. He couldn’t be doing this. Not now that everything was so much better. Not now that the war was over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me…</span>
  <em>
    <span>again.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She shook her head in disbelief, “How many times are we going to do this, Harry? How many times are you going to fool me into believing we might have a future only to decide that you’re not ‘worthy of me’?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wiped away the tears before they could stream down her cheeks, “You know what? </span>
  <span>I’m done with…whatever this is. </span>
  <span>Not because you declared it, but because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> done with being messed with. I couldn’t care less about your blindness or your Shell Shock but I cannot stand this cowardice. Because that’s what you’re being: a </span>
  <em>
    <span>coward! </span>
  </em>
  <span>You’re too afraid of giving us a chance and letting yourself be happy.” She stopped her rant in deep pants and not even then, did he look at her. “It isn’t fair to me to keep waiting for you to be brave, Harry. After everything, I’m too tired to keep doing it. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>goodbye</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Harry. For good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned away before giving him a chance to respond and practically ran to her room. She collapsed on her bed in tears and let herself sob for the final loss of the one she loved the most. She had meant what she said. She needed to move on from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When her cries had silenced and the pain in her had been replaced by a dark void, she decided to open up her christmas letters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last one she opened was from Brandon Eggles. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Lady Allie,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know it must seem unusual to hear from me after all these years, but after the war I promised myself I would regain contact with those I missed. And you, my lady, are surely an unforgettable face in the crowd of aristocrats. I wish you a Happy Christmas, and I hope we will see each other soon.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours truly,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Viscount Brandon Eggles</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He was a Viscount now…that must mean that his father had passed. Allie read the letters two more times before she decided she would reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was time to move on.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>January</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca and Sam were looking at estates for them to move in. With the war, a lot of families had to sell and move to smaller estates which now meant that there was an array of options for them to search.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were looking at one of Sam’s favorite–it was the closest to Downton. It wasn’t as big as the others which meant they wouldn’t need such a big staff and Becca was enchanted. She looked around the Great Hall with a careful eye. “It’s a beautiful house. But it needs some renovation if we’re to live here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam nodded in agreement. The framework was beautiful but it did feel rather…stuffy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked at Becca up and down warily. He had been looking for an opportunity to talk to her about Grizz for a while now, and this felt like the best chance he’d get. They were alone, away from any sort of civilization which meant that if she got angry and decided to scream and throw stuff there would be no one around to witness. </span>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Becca…there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took her hand and led her to take a seat on one of the couches. Her gaze turned a bit worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Becca, you know you’re my best friend in the world and I love you so much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiled softly but she still looked wary, “I love you too.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I know this marriage started off on weird terms. But you’re still my best friend and I want to be completely honest with you,” he took a deep breath to brace himself before he finally said, “I’m in love with another.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca’s brows lifted slightly but before she could reply he continued, “And he’s a man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam couldn’t look her in the eyes and stared resolutely at his hands. He was sure she would start yelling now and he was almost glad he wouldn’t be able to hear her curses. A small hand lifted his chin up and he forced himself to look at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her face was…kind and understanding as she signed, “I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He balked, “You know?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shrugged, “I’ve always known there was something </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span> about you. I knew you would never be able to love me </span>
  <em>
    <span>that way.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I finally figured it out when I read one of your poems.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam didn’t know how to feel about that. His poems had always been him baring his soul on to paper, but he never expected someone to decipher his feelings from it. But maybe that was only because Becca was his best friend and she knew him better than most.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca smiled, “It’s alright, you know. This marriage was rushed, yes, but I think it can be healthier than most. Our vows may not be a promise of romantic love, but they are a promise of companionship. And that’s more than a lot more marriages have to offer. So if you’re asking me for permission to take on lovers, I’m saying you don’t need to ask. All I want is for you to be happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled back at her, “I feel honored to call such a generous woman my wife.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Becca reached for his hand and squeezed tight. She quickly let go to sign, “I feel the same.” She patted his cheek once before continuing, “Let’s see the rest of the house, shall we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked around the estate arm in arm, and Sam felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt lighter than he’d ever felt before.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Grizz wasn’t as understanding, “So that’s it? You’re going to spend the rest of your life living a lie?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam shook his head, “It’s not a lie. We both understand what this marriage means.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But who am I in all of this? The secret you have to hide in the disguise of a valet? Something you can just toss aside when you get bored?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Sam spoke out loud in protest. He walked closer to cup Grizz’s cheek, “In another time maybe you and I would be able to get married and share our love with the world. But now, that isn’t possible. What I’m asking is if you’d be my lover? If you would spend the rest of your life by my side, as the owner of my heart?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz stared down at him with a look of indecision. For a moment Sam thought he would kiss him and this awful tension between these past couple of months would be gone for good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then Grizz mouthed clearly, “What about the child? What will you tell them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam hesitated. He had thought a lot about that and he had yet to think of a solution. “I don’t know. Maybe the truth, eventually. But what that child will always know is that they’re in a house where they are loved and cared for and will never be hated for being different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz was silent for a couple more moments as he considered it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I have some time to think on it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam nodded quickly, “Of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grizz leaned forward to kiss Sam’s forehead gently and then left the room without another word.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>February</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>After many letters exchanged, Viscount Brandon Eggles had come to visit Downton. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was excited at the prospect. It had been a while since she’d had the experience of being courted and her mother made sure to make a big fuss out of everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything seemed to be going very smoothly except for Harry’s silence and Granny’s knowing stares. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Allie ignored all of it. This was good. Brandon was filthy rich and if she married him she’d live a plentiful life until the ends of her days. That’s what marriage was after all: an economic proposition. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Love was for the fools and the poor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the end of his visit, he and Allie went for a walk through the gardens. Brandon hadn’t come out of the war unscathed, he had a bullet go through his left leg, and now he walked with a cane. They kept to a slow pace so as not to tire him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena stayed a couple feet back so they wouldn’t remain unchaperoned. How ironic that she spent so much time with Harry alone when she was desperately in love with him but now that she was only getting acquainted with this man, suddenly it was improper to be unsupervised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s your sister? Have you heard from her lately?” Brandon asked politely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I have,” she answered, “She called the other day and she seems to be doing great. Apparently she’s considering running for MP. It was about time, really.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brandon sniffed, “Women shouldn’t get involved in matters such as politics. It’s too messy for proper ladies to worry about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie was about to snap back when she bit her tongue. It wouldn’t do any good to fight with a potential suitor. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> this. She needed to move on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So she changed the subject, “How did you like your stay at Downton?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it was very pleasant,” he didn’t seem to have noticed the mental battle that had just gone on in Allie’s brain, “Thank you for having me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He trailed to a stop and came to face her, “My lady, I think you know what I’m about to ask you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie’s insides froze. It was happening already. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s too soon, </span>
  </em>
  <span>she thought desperately. She swallowed her nerves. “Yes, I do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gave her a smile. Not a grin, but a small contained smile that sparked nothing in her, “I would get down on one knee if I could. But all I wanted to say is this. If you marry me you will always be cared for. Anything your heart desires will be yours. I have no intention in letting you be unhappy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gave him a small smile. This was what she wanted…</span>
  <em>
    <span>right?</span>
  </em>
  <span> If she said no, what would happen to her? Would anyone else be willing to wed her? Most of the suitors her age had fallen to the war and her options dwindled by the day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t think she could ever love anyone the way she loved Harry Bingham. But she could never have him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So maybe she should marry for position instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. My answer is yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>March</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca went into labor early in the morning. Allie insisted on staying with her until Dr. Clarkson arrived and she felt the nurse within her come alive for the first time in months. Oh, how she missed it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When things started to get ugly and painful was when Becca kicked Allie out. Something about not wanting Allie to see her like this and Elle took over as her ‘nurse’ instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie waited in the library with the rest of her family. Sam had insisted on staying with Becca even though it was considered unusual for the husband to be there through labor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie bit the tip of her thumb as she started to recount all the statistics she’d heard about miscarriages or women dying at birth. That couldn’t be Becca but what if something went wrong? She wanted to be there to help. She hated feeling useless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She broke from her reverie as someone took her hand. She turned to find Harry had sat next to her. He looked just as worried as she did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hadn’t properly spoken since the incident at Christmas. But this was no time to worry about personal feelings. They held hands and sat together to bask in their worry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both ignored the shiny engagement ring on her finger.   </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>“It’s a girl!” Elle yelled, rushing into Helena’s room, “Lady Becca had a baby girl!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena straightened, “Oh, that’s wonderful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle rushed forward to bring her into a hug and Helena buried her head into her shoulder with a grin. Her fingers curled into the back of her dress as she held her tightly to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they pulled apart, their noses brushed for a moment and before Helena could think any better of it, she closed the gap to kiss Elle on the lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt so warm from Elle’s lips that she forgot herself for a couple moments. But reality came crashing down on her and she pulled apart quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena covered her mouth and her eyes widened in horror at what she’d done. She’d kissed another girl. It was not only against the law but the bible strictly forbade it. And what about Luke? What would he say if he were alive to see this? </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What had she done?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” She turned her back to Elle, not wanting to see her friend’s expression as she lost her forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then she felt someone push her hands away from her face and lift her chin. There was a determined resolution in Elle’s eyes that calmed the raging storm inside her. She had always had that power; Elle always filled Helena with a tranquility she had never felt before. It was a type of feeling that only came from someone who was your absolute friend. Someone who had seen the darkest and still loved you anyways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elle traced Helena’s cheek with her finger and Helena’s eyes fluttered at the tenderness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Elle leaned forward to capture Helena’s lips ever so slowly, all thoughts of why this was wrong had completely left Helena’s mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tilted her head to deepen the kiss and her hands came up to get caught in Elle’s carefully pinned hair. Elle didn’t seem to be complaining as Helena messed up her updo to scrape her nails against her scalp lightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They pulled apart to grin at each other for a couple moments before rejoining in a much more passionate and intense kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Helena carefully led them to her bed and they collapsed into a heap together. She had never gotten to be intimate with Luke and now that she had Elle in her grasp, all warm and bright, she would surely not make that same mistake again.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Allie was invited to go into Becca’s room after being told that everything went perfectly and she felt a little bit nervous. She walked slowly and warily and only after a deep breath did she look up to stare at the small bundle in Becca’s arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her breath hitched at the baby girl in Becca’s arms. She had been cleaned and had her eyes closed in a deep slumber. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie walked up closer to her almost in a trance. Her vision became blurry as she stared down at her, “She’s beautiful, Becca.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Becca whispered back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you decided on a name?” Allie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Becca looked up to share a glance with Sam before answering, “Her name is Eden.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie smiled even wider, “Eden. I like that. A perfect name for a perfect little girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to hold her?” Becca asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, Allie was plagued with a horrible image of her dropping the baby. She almost laughed at the thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and Becca carefully placed her in the arms. Eden didn’t even stir.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca smiled at the two of them and signed, “We wanted you to be the godmother.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie looked up from the baby and her eyes widened, “Me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam nodded with a lazy smile, “Yes, you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allie teared up once again and looked down at Eden. She looked so peaceful. It filled Allie with so much hope. This was what all that horror of life is for. It’s all for giving people new beginnings and a chance for happiness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Staring down at baby Eden made Allie feel like for the first time since the war, that maybe it would all be alright.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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